“Everybody feels these moments of sadness and moments of loss and sometimes I think everybody can relate to sitting alone and feeling like crap and a friend of yours comes up and starts like, you know, ‘come on, feel happy,’ and you don’t want that. Sometimes it’s alright to let yourself live in a moment and let yourself be upset about something and so that you can show yourself that regardless of how low you feel, you can always rise out of it, but not in that moment. And so the song ends with the lyric, ‘I believe we all fall down’ but I don’t say ‘but we get back up’. It’s just, sometimes you fall down and sometimes you feel low and that’s okay.” – Andy Biersack
(in reference to the song Lost It All https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8IE6HfvtX5g )
Talking about my experience with depression is hard. Ive been staring at this blank page for hours not sure where to start or what to say. I can say that it’s not something that is easy to talk about. I can’t really explain how it all started or what triggered it, because I don’t really know myself. All I know is that I was never really happy. If I was, it would maybe be a day or an hour and then I would just hit rock bottom again. It wasn’t that I was ungrateful, it’s just that it seems like I didn’t know how to be happy. It wasn’t a familiar feeling. Still today I’m not really sure if I will find true happiness one day. If I’ll actually wake up in the morning be happy about my job, not fight with my mom, not just sit and just feel sad or always be angry. Some days I worry that I’m going to lose my job because every day I become more and more aggressive. This filter that I once had doesn’t exist anymore. I see my manager’s reaction to what I say sometimes and I can tell she’s not too happy about it. I know if I keep this up, I won’t have a job soon.
Happiness is hard for me to find.I’ll be somewhere with a friend or family, and yet in the back of my mind, I just miss someone, or just want to sit at home and not do anything. I’ll be sad about something that happened years ago or I’ll just get irritated. My mom would bug me a bit and I would snap back even though I know shes joking, I just can’t control myself. Every time I move I keep telling myself, this time I’ll be happy! This time, my depression will go away. But the next day, sadness and anger comes back.
I didn’t really think much about the fact that I have depression until I looked up the symptoms of depression. Theres days that I hear my alarm go off and I just roll over and try to ignore it- but unfortunately, I need to pay my bills, rent, food, etc… motivation is something that I lack big time! It’s something I struggle with. Im passionate about a lot of things but it hard for me to reach my goals, it’s a constant battle with myself. There’s days I wake up and just start crying, not wanting to get up, tired of hurting, tired of struggling. When I looked up on google the symptoms of depression this is what I found:
What Are Symptoms of Depression?
- Difficulty concentrating, remembering details, and making decisions
- Fatigue and decreased energy
- Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, and/or helplessness
- Feelings of hopelessness and/or pessimism
- Insomnia, early-morning wakefulness, or excessive sleeping
- Irritability, restlessness
- Loss of interest in activities or hobbies once pleasurable, including sex ( Depending on person )
- Overeating or appetite loss
- Persistent aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems that do not ease even with treatment, etc…
- Persistent sad, anxious, or “empty” feelings
- Thoughts of suicide, suicide attempts
When I read the symptoms it definitely helped me understand why I was/am being the way I was/am. Ive heard that you can take medication and I’ve tried it, but it didn’t really work for me. Ive had therapy, it made me feel better for that one hour. I told myself that one day ill be able to walk out of there with a smile and be “fixed”. Unfortunately, that wasn’t the case. Ive had therapy for 3 years and I don’t regret it. My therapist was great, taught me things about life, and made me understand things that I didn’t know before. Helped me be wiser. When I told people I was in therapy they would look at me like I’m crazy or like I’m mental. I had to tell my friends that I had therapy because I kept telling them that I had a doctor’s appointment every 2 weeks and they thought it was weird until I told them that I wasn’t actually going to see a doctor.
“Here is the tragedy: when you are the victim of depression, not only do you feel utterly helpless and abandoned by the world, you also know that very few people can understand, or even begin to believe, that life can be this painful.” – Giles Andreae
One of the feeling I hate is feeling helpless. You see a friend or family member hurting and you feel bad, you want to take their pain away but at the same time you feel awkward because you’re not sure what to do. That’s when the feeling of being helpless comes in. I can sit here and be someone’s therapist – give advice cause in that moment I’m not thinking about me, Im thinking about someone else’s issues. Sometimes I think that I’m not worth it. When I’m in a relationship I tell myself “why is he even with me? Im broken, I’m depressed and lost.” Even my friends, I wonder why they are even my friends. All I do is either talk about my problems or I shut them out. I feel like I shouldn’t be talking about my problems because I feel like I’m a burden or sometimes I feel like they will judge me even though they don’t. It can be really frustrating.
Some days I go without eating or I’ll over eat… but then when I look in the mirror I keep seeing that I’ve gained weight and I tell myself that I’m ugly. Some days I’ll get irritated about little things or everything and it just cuts my appetite. Food is not the only reason why I’ve gained weight, it’s also because of how stressed and depressed I’ve been. Every night I try to go for walks, try to just forget everything by listening to music when it’s late and quiet out. I don’t really do it to get in shape. I do it because I need to get away from everything.
Sleep is my only safe haven. It’s the only place where 80% of the time I can have dreams and be happy without anyone telling me what to do or judge me. A place where I don’t have to worry about work, people, money, my depression, thinking about self-harm, all that goes away and that’s why I like to sleep. I love to sleep. Most of the time I can sleep for more than 12 hours and yet I still want to sleep. Even though I like sleeping, sometimes I hate it. When nightmares come around it’s a painful time, I can’t wake up from it until it’s done. Whatever feeling I have, injury or etc., I feel the pain when I wake up. For example if I get stabbed in my nightmare, when I wake up I will feel the pain exactly where I got stabbed. Waking up is a relief at that point except for the pain. However, when I have dreams waking up is painful because it reminds me of that everything was just a dream. Sometimes the hardest thing is to wake up after a nightmare and feel like you’re also living a nightmare. Some days I can’t sleep or I don’t want to sleep. Too many things are on my mind or I’m scared of what the night holds for me. I’ll go to bed crying not sure why, just this heavy feeling in my chest.
“There are many who don’t wish to sleep for fear of nightmares. Sadly, there are many who don’t wish to wake for the same fear.”
― Richelle E. Goodrich, Dandelions: The Disappearance of Annabelle Fancher
Over the years, I lost interest in all the things I was passionate about. Still today even though I love music, acting and writing, I seem to have loss interest, motivation for. When I was a kid, that’s all I cared about. Told myself I would be in the showbiz but today I’m 24 and Im just working in a store full time and trying to finish college. Don’t get me wrong, it’s still something I want to do – sing, act, write, but I struggle with getting out of bed. I don’t sing, play piano, write poetry, or act anymore. For someone who struggles with depression it’s really hard. We often get told that we’re lazy, we don’t care enough, that we expect people to just hand it out to us and honestly, hearing that frustrates us.
I’d love to be able to say it gets better, but unfortunately it doesn’t happen for everyone.X Some people never truly get over depression. I, myself am still struggling with depression but it doesn’t mean you will never feel that moment of happiness. It doesn’t mean that no one will get over depression- some people overcome it and others keep fighting. Depression doesn’t make you crazy, worthless or unloved; it makes you resilient. If you need help or support, don’t be afraid to ask for it.
Stay strong. Stay you. Stay beautiful. Keep fighting.
Ivybelle – XOX –