Hey blog readers, it’s me Howie Defranco and today we’re gonna be discussing grieving the loss of a loved one. Well not so much a discussion as its one sided with me on the keyboard and you doing the reading. I guess the best thing to start out saying is that everyone deals with with the loss in different ways, not in the sense that they don’t encounter each stage of grief. Instead it’s more like you don’t go stage one, two, three, four and five, you go stage one, two, one, three, two, four, one… Etc as it has no limit to how long grief can go on for.
Now I have not experienced the loss of a loved one personally since I was a child at least not anyone I was close to. Therefore I’m unable to really speak from a personal standpoint about what it’s like to lose someone you love to death. In spite of that though I’ve lost people in my life and seen others lose people in their lives go through different stages and cycles of grief over the loss of someone they love. It’s painful and although the stages usually can bounce around and people need time to get past it, people can get lost in.
In the same way, the fallen loved one is lost the one still alive can become a shell of the person they were or who they want to be. It starts because people have trouble letting go of the past, when they put on obstacle in the way of letting go. Overworking, drug and alcohol abuse, compulsive behaviour, avoiding emotion and minimizing feelings are ways people avoid and obstruct themselves from moving on from the pain and learning to accept their life moves on. It’s as simple as breathing to not even notice that you’re doing it, that you’re holding on to the pain of your loved ones memory.
Earlier I mentioned the stages of grief, they’re are five of them and everyone deals with them in their own time and way. Denial and shock are supposed to be the first stage in which you don’t accept the fact that they’re gone, you just don’t believe it which is a good thing as it can diminish the impact of the loss on you. Bargaining trying to figure out a way, a way you could have helped them something better you could have done, how you could of treated them better. It helps to bargain as you come to better terms with what happened. Depression is the worst of the stages although it’s only natural, if it persists too much can cause a lot of stress on your mental (feelings of isolation and loneliness) and physical health (with loss of sleep and appetite). Anger is the stage that causes you to feel like your loved one abandoned you even though you know it wasn’t their fault and can cause you to just be angry at the world.
The fifth stage is acceptance the stage every one needs to reach but get trapped in the mentioned stages. The best ways to help yourself or someone you know with dealing with these stages is to give them a way to express yourself or confide in someone you trust. Allow yourself to just have sometime, to draw, to write, to create, something that opens your feelings and let’s out your emotions for you and others to see. As well you could talk to a close friend, they’ll help you more than you think, find a support group that has people going through the same emotions or better talk to a therapist if you wish. That’s what they’re there for, me personally I have a fear of speaking to professionals just cause I always have a fear of what there thinking. How they’re reacting to what I’m saying, if they’re judging me, or fitting me for a straight jacket in their head. So I don’t see them but it’s what they were trained to do and it’s an option for those of you who liked to talk.
Speaking of acceptance I mentioned earlier when I was kid was the last time I lost a loved one it was my great grandpa. I was four years old, and he died peacefully in his own home in the kitchen, my great grandma found him in the morning. My great grandpa is the reason I wasn’t given up for adoption when I was kid, I was an accident and my mom, and her parents wanted to give me up. Mind you my mom wasn’t set on the idea but my great grandpa basically put his foot done, said I’m family and I belonged with them and that he and my great grandma would help my mom anyway they could. I loved him, even though he was tough sometimes. To be fair i hear they were times I was a little monster but the worst thing I ever did was I tried to climb up this old ladder. It was outside my grandpa was doing something on the roof and I tried climbing the ladder, he comes over picks me up and spanks me. I deserved it and when he died, my mom brought me to a therapist so I could process it properly. He asked me to draw a picture and I drew my great grandpa climbing a ladder up to heaven. That was my acceptance in my mind.
There’s not really much else to say I think but that if you feel the loss of someone you love is the end of your life. Then talk to someone, I’m not saying your wrong because it’s your choice if you want your life to end or to wallow in self pity. Just take some time talk to someone, express yourself, find something that gives your life meaning again.
“Stages of Grief: How to Cope With Grief and Loss.” WebMD. WebMD, n.d. Web. 04 Sept. 2015.