Howie Discusses Suicide

Hey blog readers, it’s Howie Defranco and this blog is going to be talking about suicide. I was gonna start this blog off talking about different feelings that can lead to suicidal thought, and what causes those feelings. When you look at it all though it all boils down to the fact you see no other way, then to release yourself from this life. Speaking from experience it felt like I was drowning, and there was a force that every time I tried to pull myself away from it, it pulled me deeper down into an abyss. Mine stemmed from feelings of loneliness, isolation and rejection, I’m not going to retell that story it’s all in my blog about depression. At the point where I was about to do it though, the reason I didn’t was because, my phone went off and it just kept ringing in the background.

Before I continue with the story though, let’s just talk about some of the causes for that feeling that leads a person to consider suicide. Firstly it can be caused by a few different medical reasons including mental disorders, including but not limited to, depression, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia and anxiety. Any psychological trauma can bring those thoughts out, whether those be from abuse, or PTSD. Of course a number of causes are also from the societal front, isolation, bullying, genetics, only being a few among them. No matter what though that feeling of being unable to escape, not able to cope is there and is overwhelming.

Personally at this point in my life, I have found one reason and only one reason where I can see suicide as an answer. As I’ve come to see there is always another way, another road, another choice to take. If though you have a disease, an ailment that would end your life painfully, or worse have your mind degrade and you wish to end it rain her than suffer through that. That I can understand, but when you’re not at that point then you can always find a way to fix your life, it takes time sometimes and sometimes it just takes a moment to think of a reason that you need to be around the next day, and the next day and the day after that.

The phone just kept ringing and ringing, that night I had no idea who it was at that moment. When it started ringing though, I froze I couldn’t go through with it. I started remembering a scene from Lethal Weapon when Riggs holds his gun up to his head, with his special hollow bullet that go clean straight through. How he doesn’t pull the trigger, how when his partner confronts him about whether he’s suicidal or not he says every day I find another reason not to pull the trigger. To me that first day was the phone ringing it was just a friend wanting to see if I was doing ok, but I took it as a sign. Every day for a while after I’d look for a reason not to put that razor against my wrists and pull my arteries out and live for the next day.

Since that day I’ve had 2 friends in my life who committed suicide, one of whom I didn’t find out about for a few months and still don’t know her story. The other was very saddening, I will not even give her a fake name out of respect, we had all left for summer vacation at the end of grade 11, assuming we’d see each other in September. When September came round though she was nowhere to be seen, she was still registered though and they’d call her name out in class. After a few weeks the police found a body matching her description, none of us were expecting that. I tried to go to her funeral but sadly was given the wrong address and since I was bussing spent the day lost in Surrey. A day later though.. Actually wait, you need to know all this was going on at the same time of the whole Amanda Todd thing. Someone I knew about a day later was saying how weak she was, and making fun of her for committing suicide, saying that he gets bullied every day you don’t see him posting it all over the Internet and killing himself and so on. I looked him dead in the eye and said, would you also say it was weak of my 2 friends to commit suicide? How about the fact I have more than thought about it? Are we weak for it? He stopped talking after that.

I’ve become very respectful of life since then I think it’s incredibly precious, and that everyone deserves a chance at it. No one is weak for committing suicide or thinking about it. If you do feel that way though, talk to people, talk to your loved ones don’t look yourself up in those feelings. Always look for a reason to live the next day.

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