Trigger warning: talks about sexual assault/rape, with some (as little as possible) detail.
Something I think a lot of us would like a chance to do is say what we want to the person that hurt us. What we’d probably want more, to feel safe while we say what we want. At least for me, I know that’s what I would like. With no way to actually contact him, I am writing a blog post.
This is part of my journey to letting it go so here’s what I would love to tell my rapist. Feel free to comment what you would say to yours below.
It’s been years since that night you took something from me that you had no right in taking. I’d like to say that I am over it and the thought of you doesn’t disgust me or make my blood run cold; however that is false the mere thought makes me sick, angry, devastated, and scared. Not that I really want to tell you that, but it is the truth.
I can still see your face when I close my eyes, remember the smell of your putrid breath, the sickening feeling of your hands, and how you spoke those words to me. I can still remember what you did and the emotions and fears that went through me. These same fears still run through me at the thought of intimacy sometimes. You ruined that for me, at least for now. Hopefully one day I can forget your face and not have your actions at the forefront of my mind when I am with another person.
The moment of dread, fear and knowing of what was going to happen to me is still vivid in my mind. How I feared much worse would happen if I kept fighting, and the way I went numb and stopped fighting; how I felt like I was allowing it to happen. I can pinpoint exactly when it washed over me and I knew I was not going to win this battle. The knowing of no matter what I did it was going to happen and all I can do is minimize the pain and violence that I endure. That moment is what haunts me the most, worse than everything else that happened that night. It’s what keeps me up at night, wondering if that with that action I allowed what happened. Wondering if that would be considered consent, if it made it not rape. Makes me question if I am a victim or if I am to blame. Makes me wonder if I could have stopped you, could I have? If I screamed a little louder/longer, or fought even a little harder.
Is that what you wanted? To emotionally scar someone, to make their life a little harder? To have some fun in the moment and make my life after do a 180°? Because that’s what you did. You visited me nightly, sometimes more than nightly, whenever I closed my eyes. You made me fear sleeping, made it near impossible too. What you did didn’t just happen to me that night, it happened in my dreams nightly for the years to follow. Even though for you it was just that night, with me at least. Almost a decade later now and it’s no longer nightly, only once in a while and for now I’m okay with that. Maybe one day I will be able to never see your face again when I close my eyes.
There is not a mean and nasty word I would not love to call you, or haven’t called you. It’s the least I can do for what you put me through, because what you did to me was more than just rape, it left psychological scars. Your actions tainted my very being and I want it to stop. That is why I am writing this, why I am writing this for you. I want you to know what you did, feel the impact of what you did, and be able to get it off my chest to the person responsible for causing this burden.
I do still question why me, what made you turn around and choose to rape me? We’d known each other for years, since we were little. We were close, and I trusted you. I would’ve thought if I was raped I would have ran to you to make me feel safe, not run from you to feel safer. We were close, we were friends; I guess being close to you made me an easy target, I had put my guard down. That’s why isn’t it? I trusted you enough to let you close to me, to never hurt me, and that made it easier for you.
What you forced upon me left me feeling worthless, dirty, ruined, devastated, and like a toy for others. It took years for me to even begin shaking those beliefs about myself. I hated it, you left me more disgusted with myself then with you. I thought everything valuable about myself hinged on my ‘purity’, and therefore due to you forcibly taking that away from me I was stripped of my value. I have come to terms with what I felt and I now know otherwise. I am just as valuable as I was prior to that night, if not more so because I am stronger than I was that night. I am not dirty nor am I ruined, you took something from me that other than in societies outdated eyes means absolutely nothing in the grand scheme of life. I am no longer devastated, yes it still pains me to think about now but what you did made me a stronger person. I am not a toy for others to do as they please with. I have absolute control on what happens to me, and if I say ‘no’ or anything along those lines I should be respected and the issue is not with me but with them, with you.
Through all of the years after that night I have grown to realise something. I have to thank you for a few things too.
1) I want to thank you for making me stronger, making me more resilient and showing me why barriers within myself can be helpful.
2) Thank you for teaching me that trusting someone fully is not always a good thing. That if I have a doubt about someone, something or a situation to recognize that and proceed accordingly.
3) Thanks for forcing the rose coloured glasses off of me. Not everything is as it seems.
4) You taught me compassion for sexual assault victims as I can understand how their trauma came about. For that I grudgingly thank you.
5) Thank you for giving me one of my strongest passions. Which is to see justice for every victim. For every sick disgrace such as you may feel karma and the law catch up with you. To help others through their issues, something I never reached out for after that night.
6) Thank you for teaching me what true hatred feels like; because, although I can not stand that word, I can safely say I hate you.
If I could turn the clock back all these years I would, I would stop that night from happening and I would stop having anything to do with you. I know I can never forgive you. But I’ve learnt that that night is not my fault, and I forgive myself. I can say I don’t hate you nearly as much as I did that night, but I will never be alright with you. I am stronger, I am happier, and I am moving forward with my life.
For me this as closure, as I have no way to tell him this directly. I have learnt that it’s hard to get closure if you have unsaid feelings and words stuck in you. I hope he reads this one day, however chances are he never will.
I’ll be honest writing this was painstakingly hard, I sobbed a few times and wanted to give up, but I didn’t. But now that it is out I feel ten times better than I had, I feel slightly more at peace with my past. I know I still have a long journey ahead of me, but right this moment I feel as though I just finished climbing the mountain I was sure I’d never reach the top of. I have more mountains and hurdles ahead of me but from here I hope they get easier.
With all that being said I tried to leave out as much detail as I could without losing the integrity of it, sorry if it was too much for anyone. Hopefully it helped someone else too, that even one other person took something from this that will help them.
What would you say to your assailant?
Stay Strong, Stay Beautiful,
Marie Olsson xx
Feel free to contact me if you wish, you can get the information in my about me.