Howie Defranco, Memories and Opening Scars 

Hey blog readers it’s Howie Defranco here and I want to talk about scars and memories a bit, we all have both those things. Let me state that again we all have memories and scars, which in a lot of ways are the most painful things there are. People say they fade or can be forgotten but they’re still there and they have no problem causing you pain when they are brought back up. Scars reopened are worse then most wounds. It’s sad that our own minds, can bring up such painful things, things we want to leave in the past and when we forget we tell ourselves we’re better but something, a song, a book, a name, a place, a day can just bring it all back on you. Partly because when remembering some things you don’t just remember them, you relive them like they were yesterday and scars associated with said memory are opened.  
    Oddly enough my trigger was a friend, I hadn’t seen since high school she’s been having a rough time lately and asked if she could talk to me about them saying she just remembered me as an understanding person and that I wouldn’t judge her. This was it the beginning of October when I was doing really well with everything I felt good about my life and myself, I thought I had moved on from things I’ve talked about before. During our conversation she started asking me things though about people I wanted to leave in my past, which I answered. She talked a lot about 2 people in particular I did not want to hear about quite a bit, who have been in my blogs before. I thought I was okay but I started to remember things, first the good, the memories of my happy moments with those people in my past. Those good memories slowly started to sting though to think about, which only lead to me remembering the bad.  
I cried that night after she went home, and it’s because I wasn’t just remembering it all I was reliving it all. The heartache, the betrayal, the loneliness, and I still am right now. These open scars have giving me many close to sleepless nights the last month, and I’m one of those people when I can’t sleep I roll around a million times and I don’t turn on my electronics. For all I want to do is sleep and it escapes me and the next day I’m tired and annoyed. Then this past week I broke down, I can’t help remembering it’s the last time I spoke to the first person I thought I was in love with, though it was unrequited I once considered it my greatest failure, more recently my greatest mistake. As well an event is coming up this next weekend I look forward to every year and I’m honestly scared I will see if not one every one of the people I want to leave in my past, knowing my luck I will and on the days I’m going to be alone at the event.
I haven’t really told anyone I let this all hit me so hard because I’m ashamed that memories are what the problem is. I know the people in my life aren’t the ones who made these memories and that the person those people hurt is a much better person and even back then I was not what they thought of me, I was not a loser, a bad friend, a weak person. I can’t help feeling scared though, scared that these people I love and care about in my life right now will see what the ones who hurt me did. That I’m not worth they’re time and their compassion and their respect.  
The mind betrays you to your memories for they can be cruel friends. Yes memories are our friends, in years late in life, moments when we’re alone, when we want to remember our best moments memories are our greatest friends. When they are corrupted by the scars we have received though they feel like our greatest enemies, our demons. Just because something can be forgotten does not mean it cannot be remembered again. It just takes a trigger to remind you of something painful and doesn’t help if you still are afraid of the past.

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