Fear of relationships Pt.2

It’s been 3 years since then, I thought that by now I would have healed and I would be able to get in a relationship no problem. Unfortunately that isn’t the case. Today, I am 25, single, living on my own and still no relationship.

When I came back to Vancouver, my ex was the last one to know. My best friend and I would take pictures together, hang out and post it on social media but without the location. For a few weeks he didn’t catch on I was back. He asked me a couple times if they were old picture or if I was back and I would just ignore his messages. Eventually, I figured me and my ex needed to talk so I told him I’ve been back for weeks and he got really mad at me. I didn’t feel bad about it and I felt like I didn’t owe him anything. I didn’t have to tell him anything but I did it because I wanted to move on with my life by talking to him face to face.

When my best friend and I went to go talk to him, it made me realize that I really did make the right decision by leaving him. He was still acting like a little boy and being selfish. He didn’t see the mistakes he made and the hurtful things he has said. He believed that I was at fault. I knew at that moment I didn’t need him in my life.

A year past when I saw him next. We are working on being friends and I get to see my Nephew more often. Him giving me my space was the best thing he could do. I had to think about where I was going in my life and who was I going to be as a person- was I going to hold grudges for the rest of my life or was I going to live my life in happiness? I admit, I feel better now that I’m not holding a grudges. It doesn’t mean though that I have forgotten or forgiven what happened, it just means that I’m not going to hate him for the rest of my life.

Hating on my Ex-Fiancé and holding on to my other Ex was killing me inside. I was holding on to things that are never going to come back or be like it used to be. I had to learn to let go of someone I loved and someone I resented. I had to learn that everything happens for a reason and not everything will go my way. What happened in my past has made me stronger and wiser.

Honestly, I’m not sure how I will react if I ever see ex again. I know there’s still a part of me that breaks when I hear his name, when I hear about his family. I still wonder if he thinks of me, wonders what I’m doing with my life or even if I’m happy.

I still wonder “what if”. I still carry a picture of him with me. Sometimes I think I torture myself by doing so. I do wish him happiness. I wish him the best of luck and I hope his wife gives him everything he needs and wants. I hope he lives in a beautiful house and has a job he loves. However at the end of day, I miss him.

Another reason why I fear relationships… Many men and women have sexually abused me. All these people would blame me and makes me feel so tiny, like I was nothing! They would say that I’m fat, ugly and that I pretty much deserved it. How does someone trust anyone if everyone they trusted betrayed them? I cannot say that I trust people because I don’t entirely. However, one day i hope that i will be able to do so.

Ivy belle: Fear of relationships Pt.1

Fear of relationships

 

“It’s okay to be scared. Being scared means you’re about to do something really, really brave.” – Mandy Hale

Have you ever stopped yourself from being in a relationship because you’re too scared to get hurt or be in one? I have.

The last time I was in a relationship was when I was 19 and left him when I was 22. I was engaged to this guy and we lived together even though he put me through a lot. From cheating, to lying & even using me, I stayed with him because I thought that I was just being a bad girlfriend and I was overreacting. When you’re in a relationship with someone who blames you for everything and tells you it’s your fault- you start to believe it. That relationship was my first serious relationship and I think that’s why I kept forgiving him because I also thought that this is the only relationship I will ever have and that no one else will love me but him.

I remember being vulnerable, angry, anxiety, hurt and I felt betrayed 90% of our relationship. He would be with another woman but lie to me, and even if he wasn’t I got so paranoid that I couldn’t sleep at night until he would show up. When I would ask him where he’s been, he would get very defensive. I didn’t know at the time that lies could really destroy a person. I took him back at least 8 times but every time I told myself “ this time is it! Me and him are over for good.” However, I would always take him back even when I knew it was bad news. I stayed with him until I literally hated him. I couldn’t stand having him around anymore. I didn’t want to be intimate, I wanted him to go sleep over at his friends, I would get upset for no reason and I was angry all the time.

Instead of leaving him and saving myself the pain I stayed with him to the point that I hated him more than my dad. Later on, when we broke off the engagement and everything I told myself I wouldn’t get into another relationship but then my ex’s sister introduced me to someone else. He was a nice guy and with time I fell hard for him. He would always try to surprise me but little did I know, my ex knew him too and he didn’t like him- apparently he’s a “goof” whatever that means. My ex did everything in his power to make sure that we broke up. One say my ex called me and told me I had to chose to break up with my boyfriend or having no where to live. I remember being hurt, torn and I told him that I wasn’t going to break up with my boyfriend for him.

One night my ex called me really angry and told me we needed to talk face to face. When I showed up we got into a heated argument about my boyfriend and he kept asking me if I broke up with my boyfriend, I told him no. At this point it was 2 am and I was ready to walk out the door until he wouldn’t let me leave because it was late. Eventually I gave in and he told me we would watch a movie together until we fell asleep. At that moment I knew all this was wrong and I just wanted to sit in a corner and cry. When we were watching a moving my ex put his hands on me and I kept telling him no to take his hands off me. I thought he would of understood but next thing I know I was pinned to his bed and he forced me to have sex with him. I felt disgusted even though I kept telling him that this is a bad idea that we shouldn’t do this. It was too late. The next morning he left for work and I hurried to get all my stuff together to leave but his roommate told me that I shouldn’t of slept with him that I would hurt my ex’s feelings. I tried to explain to him that I tried to tell him no but he kept blaming me. When I got back to my ex sister’s place (where I lived) and I tried to avoided talking about the night before.

When I got home I was trying to get a hold of my boyfriend but I wasn’t able to get a hold of him. My ex’s sister confronted me about what happened last night because apparently my ex called her. I tried to explain the situation but she sided with him by saying that he didn’t point a gun to my head and I could of left at any point, I was hurt. I texted my ex telling him that that night wasn’t supposed to happened that he pressured me into sleeping with him but he said that I could of walked away. In that moment I was so confused if it was rape or if it was actual sex. My ex threatened to tell my boyfriend that I cheated on him and that I liked it and etc.. After 3 days I finally got a message from my boyfriend asking me what the hell happened and explained that he got a message from my ex and he was really mad. I explained that I didn’t want to sleep with him but he pressured me but my boyfriend only saw it as cheating not rape. At the moment, he broke up with me and I was devastated.

I didn’t really have anyone to talk to because I wasn’t on good terms with any of my friends and I didn’t want to have this talk with my mom. I had so many plans with my boyfriend: we were suppose to move in together, build a family and get married but that night of the break up he got back with his ex girlfriend and got engaged. Now he’s happily married and has 4 kids. Still today I miss him. I wish we could talk things through and be friends but I know that’s not possible. I keep telling myself that I might actually have had a good life right now and be happy.

After all the heartache I moved back to Quebec with my family to get my life back together. I told myself that I would be doing a job that I love, that I could heal my heart again, and take care of my family- but that wasn’t the case for most part. My ex-fiancé was always trying to get a hold of me-texting, snap chatting, Facebook, etc. I kept telling him to leave me alone but he wouldn’t. It took me a long time for me to be able to supress my anger and bitterness. I stayed single even though my friends and family tried to hook me up with people. I’ve had people ask me for one night stands but I’ve turned them all down because I don’t personally think that sleeping with someone while I’m healing will help me at all or just sleeping with someone for the pleasure of it.

To be continued….

Stay Strong. Stay Beautiful. Keep fighting -Ivybelle- Xx

 

 

Ivybelle On The Fear Of Intimacy

The Fear Of Intimacy

 “Aphenphosmphobia. The fear of intimacy phobia is known by several other names such as  Aphenphosmphobia (which is the fear of being touched) as well as Philophobia
(which is the fear of love).” – www.fearof.net/fear-of-intimacyphobia-aphenphosmphobia/

Intimacy means being vulnerable and that’s something that I’ve been struggling with for years. Growing up being sexually abused, bullied, and feeling like I’m not good enough or pretty; I think it has a lot to do with fearing intimacy. A lot of people knew I was vulnerable as a kid and they took that for granted by doing what they pleased with me.

Standing there and letting someone else put their hands on me or take off my clothes off is something that scares me a lot, I become very vulnerable. Knowing that the man standing in front of me and seeing every part of me is very hard. How do I know if they like what they see? How do I know that they aren’t using me? How do I know if I can please them?

When they lay their hands on my leg, on my arms or grab my hand and give me a back massage all I can feel is my heart pounding, my stomach is in knots and my legs start bouncing and hands shaking. All I want to do is cry and scream and for them to go away. There’s nothing wrong with the men who I try to date or who try to get intimate with me, there’s just an issue with me that I need to fix. Often I feel the pressure that I need to sleep with them to sleep with them but most of the time I’ll walk away or wont bother going on dates or get into relationships.

A few months after my dad sexually abused me, I moved with my mom and she could tell I needed help. Sometimes my mom would put her hands on my knees and I would start shaking and bouncing my leg. I knew that she wouldn’t sexually abuse me but there’s another part of me that wasn’t sure anymore. I would get very uncomfortable when someone would hug me or touch me…I really hope that one day I can face my fear.

Here are some things that might help understand the fear a bit…

(This may or may not be accurate for everyone)

What causes the fear of intimacy

  • Being sexually abused as a child
  • An abusive Childhood
  • Alcoholism
  • Self-esteem problems
  • Body image issues
  • Performance Anxiety
  • Previous Abusive Relationship
  • Betrayal

How to know if someone fears intimacy

  • They avoid any physical contact
  • They become very distant
  • They struggle expressing their feelings
  • They blush a lot when talking about anything intimate
  • They may be a bit shaky. Eg Hands shaking, bouncing their legs, etc.

How to Heal from it

  • Therapy
  • Taking time to fully trust someone
  • Try to find closure with the source of the problem

Please remember that even though you may be struggling with the fear of intimacy, it doesn’t mean that you’re not normal and there’s nothing to be ashamed of. If you need help please do not be afraid to communicate it with your partner or get some therapy. One day you will be able to trust and be able to be intimate with someone.
Don’t give up. Have faith.

Stay Strong. Stay Beautiful. Keep Fighting.
~Ivybelle~ Xx

Ivybelle: Sexual Harassment Facts

“Unwelcome conduct of a sexual nature that detrimentally affects the work environment or leads to adverse job related consequences for the victims of the harassment. By requiring an employee, male or female, to contend with unwelcome sexual actions or explicit sexual demands, sexual harassment in the workplace attacks the dignity and self respect of the victim both as an employee and as a human being.” – The Canadian legal definition of Sexual Harassment
Some examples of sexual harassment are:

  • Asking for sex in exchange for a benefit or a favour
  • Repeatedly asking for dates, and not taking “no” for an answer
  • Demanding hugs
  • Making unnecessary physical contact, including unwanted touching
  • Using rude or insulting language or making comments toward women
    (or men, depending on the circumstances)
  • Calling people sex-specific derogatory names
  • Making sex-related comments about a person’s physical characteristics
    or actions
  • Saying or doing something because you think a person does not conform
    to sex-role stereotypes
  • Posting or sharing pornography, sexual pictures or cartoons, sexually
    explicit graffiti, or other sexual images (including online)
  • Making sexual jokes
  • Bragging about sexual prowess.

 

Employers that do not take steps to prevent sexual harassment can face major costs in decreased productivity, low morale, increased absenteeism and health care costs, and potential legal expenses. Under the Ontario Human Rights Code, sexual harassment is “engaging in a course of vexatious comment or conduct that is known or ought to be known to be unwelcome.” In some cases, one incident could be serious enough to be sexual harassment. Both women and men may experience sexual harassment in employment, but women tend to be more vulnerable to it because they often hold lower paying, lower-authority and lower-status jobs compared to men. At the same time, even women in positions of authority may experience sexual harassment.

-http://www.ohrc.on.ca/en/sexual-harassment-employment-fact-sheet

 

What to do when being sexually harassed? 

Informal Options:

Ask them politely but firmly to stop and let them know that it’s making you uncomfortable/that what they say isn’t right.

  1. Make a report to within your firm about this person’s behaviour.
  2. Contact Equity Ombudsperson to get help and see what your options are.
  3. Consider mediation.Formal Options:
  1. Make a formal complaint to the Law Society.
  2. Make a human rights complaint and/or a civil action.

As a boss it is important to make sure that the work environment is harassment-free and making sure that your employees feel safe. For more information on the steps and laws on Sexual Harassment please feel free to check at the bottom of the page for the link.

Facts:

  • The last reported sexual harassment statistics in Canada showed that young women are the most likely to be sexually harassed with 10% of women 18 to 24 years of age having experienced sexual harassment in the workplace within the previous 12 months.
  • Single women are more likely to be sexually harassed than married women. The statistics show that single women between the ages of 25 to 45 experienced sexual harassment at the same rate as young women aged 18 to 24 years.
  • Of the reported cases of workplace sexual harassment 55% were perpetrated by co-workers. The percentage of sexual harassment cases involving a supervisor or manager was 39%. Sexual harassment by a client or customer was 13%.
  • 7% of male workers in the US reported being sexually harassed at work. (2008 telephone poll by Louis Harris and Associates)
  • 94% of workers who are treated uncivilly say they have attempted to get even with their tormentors. (Christine Pearson and Christine Porath)

-Ivybelle- Stay strong. Stay Beautiful. Stay you.

Sources:

Facts:

7 Statistics on Workplace Harassment

http://www.canadianlabourrelations.com/sexual-harassment-in-the-workplace.html

Laws in BC about sexual harassment:

http://www.worksafebc.com/contact_us/bid_opportunities/Assets/PDF/harassment_policy.pdf

Quote:

http://www.canadianlabourrelations.com/definition-of-sexual-harassment.html

 

 

Ivybelle on Bullying

“Things will get easier, people’s minds will change, and you should be alive to see It.”
-Ellen DeGeneres

“You’re fat. You’re ugly. You’re stupid. Your mom doesn’t love you. Who would like you? You’re fat and ugly! You’re worthless. Nobody will care if you die.”
Those are a few of what I was told ever since I was a kid.

I remember being in first grade and a classmate (a boy) didn’t like me very much. I never knew why but he always picked on me. I remember one day trying to look at a book that I wasn’t supposed to touch and he punched me in the chest. I also remember crying in pain and the teacher not doing much about it but he kept yelling at me. Most of the class didn’t like me to be honest. I only had 1 friend in my class but most of the girls would steal my things and the boys were always making fun of what I was eating and throwing my things. They would throw my backpack, my notebooks, my jacket, etc. At some point my backpack fell apart. When I was young, I was very shy and reserved so I didn’t really communicate with people. ASL was my first language then English and French but because my mom is deaf, she couldn’t help me pronounce words properly. For the longest time people used to make fun of me because of my accent and not knowing the difference between some words; e.g. “Fork” and “Fort”.

When I was in grade 4 I was the new girl. I moved from Ontario to Quebec at this point and I didn’t know anyone. I was the girl with the deaf mom again and I was the one who didn’t wear clothing with brands. I remember one guy and his best friend were the school meanies. They bullied a lot of people at school and ¾ of the students were scared of them. One day I played basketball and the ball ended up rolling beside him and I tried to get the ball but he kept kicking it away. I got annoyed and told him to stop it but he got pissed off and started pushing me and at some point I fell to the ground. Him and his friends started laughing at me. He called me every name in the book. “ Ugly, fat, dumb, stupid, trash, loser” among other things that is not PG rated.

I stayed at that school for 3 years. I kept telling my mom that I was getting bullied and she would tell me to tell the teachers, but they never really did anything. I was scared of going to that school. When I was 10 years old a few girls and I were talking (I thought we were friends), they were telling me how my friends are pretending to be my friends- that they told them. I argued with them for a good 30 minutes about how they are lying but I was still really hurt and I felt really alone. That’s when one of the girls said that if I was to die no one would care. I told her that she was lying but she was so convincing. After arguing for a while, she started a petition called “Who wants Ivybelle to kill herself?” Every time someone wanted me dead she would add a mark on the sheet. She came back with 4 sheets filled. I told the girl that I would commit suicide and wont show up the next morning. The next morning I didn’t show up and my mom didn’t know. However, The teacher caught her and she got in trouble. She talked to her dad and she was grounded.

In high school I bullied too. From being thrown basketballs at, to turning people against me, to telling classes my deepest secrets, to getting abused, etc. The first 4 years were hard. I didn’t fit in anywhere, I was depressed, my mom moved to BC and I stayed behind. I was sexually abused, being bullied and I was struggling in school. I started self-harming, drinking and smoking. I was being discriminated by my dad for being hearing and not deaf and on top of that he and my half-sister were bullying me. The bullying didn’t really stop until I moved to BC and went to a good high school where there was no tolerance for bullying.

Bullying is really hard to go through and see someone go through. Over the years it seems to be getting worse every year. It’s gotten so bad that 12-year-old kids are turning to serious physical abuse and even murder. When I hear/see things like that on the news, my heart breaks and I worry so much about what the future holds. Some of these situations happen at school and some out of school.. If you know anyone that is getting bullied here are some steps to help.
10 Steps to Stop and Prevent Bullying:
Credit: http://www.nea.org/home/51629.htm
Whether you are a parent, an educator, or a concerned friend of the family, there are ten steps you can take to stop and prevent bullying:
1. Pay attention. There are many warning signs that may point to a bullying problem, such as unexplained injuries, lost or destroyed personal items, changes in eating habits, and avoidance of school or other social situations. However, every student may not exhibit warning signs, or may go to great lengths to hide it. This is where paying attention is most valuable. Engage students on a
daily basis and ask open-ended questions that encourage conversation.

2. Don’t ignore it. Never assume that a situation is harmless teasing. Different students have different levels of coping; what may be considered teasing to one may be humiliating and devastating to another. Whenever a student feels threatened in any way, take it seriously, and assure the student that you are there for them and will help.

3. When you see something — do something. Intervene as soon as you even think there may be a problem between students. Don’t brush it off, as “kids are just being kids They’ll get over it.” Some never do, and it affects them for a lifetime. All questionable behaviour should be addressed immediately to keep a situation from escalating. Summon other adults if you deem the situation may get out of hand. Be sure to always refer to your school’s anti-bullying policy.

4. Remain calm. When you intervene, refuse to argue with either student. Model the respectful behaviour you expect from the students. First make sure everyone is safe and that no one needs immediate medical attention. Reassure the students involved, as well as the bystanders. Explain to them what needs to happen next — bystanders go on to their expected destination while the students involved should be taken separately to a safe place.

5. Deal with students individually. Don’t attempt to sort out the facts while everyone is present, don’t allow the students involved to talk with one another, and don’t ask bystanders to tell what they saw in front of others. Instead, talk with the individuals involved — including bystanders — on a one-on-one basis. This way, everyone will be able to tell their side of the story without worrying about what others may think or say.

6. Don’t make the students involved apologize and/or shake hands on the spot. Label the behaviour as bullying. Explain that you take this type of behaviour very seriously and that you plan to get to the bottom of it before you determine what should be done next and any resulting consequences based on your school’s anti-bullying policy. This empowers the bullied child — and the bystanders — to feel that someone will finally listen to their concerns and be fair about outcomes.

7. Hold bystanders accountable. Bystanders provide bullies an audience, and often actually encourage bullying. Explain that this type of behaviour is wrong, will not be tolerated, and that they also have a right and a responsibility to stop bullying. Identify yourself as a caring adult that they can always approach if they are being bullied and/or see or suspect bullying.

8. Listen and don’t pre-judge. It is very possible that the person you suspect to be the bully may actually be a bullied student retaliating or a “bully’s” cry for help. It may also be the result of an undiagnosed medical, emotional or psychological issue. Rather than make any assumptions, listen to each child with an open mind.

9. Get appropriate professional help. Be careful not to give any advice beyond your level of expertise. Rather than make any assumptions, if you deem there are any underlying and/or unsolved issues, refer the student to a nurse, counsellor, school psychologist, social worker, or other appropriate professional.

10. Become trained to handle bullying situations. If you work with students in any capacity, it is important to learn the proper ways to address bullying. Visit http://www.nea.org/bullyfree for information and resources. You can also take the pledge to stop bullying, as well as learn how to create a Bully Free program in your school and/or community.

If you are a victim of bullying, please talk to someone. I know it might be scary right now, but please hold on and don’t be afraid to ask for help. It’s not your fault.

Stay Strong. Stay Beautiful. Stay You.
Keep Fighting.
-Ivybelle-Xx

Ivybelle Talks about The Difference Between Tattoo’s And Self-Harm

 

“In case you didn’t know, dead people don’t bleed. If you can bleed-see it, feel it-then you know you’re alive. It’s irrefutable, undeniable proof. Sometimes I just need a little reminder.”  Amy Efaw, After

 

When I was younger I used to self-harm and I was addicted to it. I did it for many reason; to feel something when I was numb, to focus my pain on physical instead of emotional/mental, etc. I didn’t care if I lived or died and it became an addiction. It’s still something I struggle with- it’s a daily battle with myself. No, I don’t self-harm anymore and I’m proud of myself. I just keep trying to stay positive.
“I am a canvas of my experiences, my story is etched in lines and shading, and you can read it on my arms, my legs, my shoulders, and my stomach.” – Kat Von D
Ever since I was 11 years old I’ve wanted to get a tattoo. At 17 years old my dad paid for my very first tattoo, I was sooo happy. The first tattoo I got was a Treble Clef to symbolize my passion for music. Music has always been a huge part of my life and I’ve always wanted to be a musician. At 17 years old self-harming got worse and I was struggling. I wanted to be a musician but my dad wouldn’t allow me. I would listen to music all the time until my dad snapped at me because I was too obsessed with music, that’s all I ever did. Even though my dad didn’t want to help me with music, I was happy to get my tattoo because it was a reminder of who I am, who I was, who I will be and what I love.

The second tattoo I got was the words “Stay Strong” on my wrists to remind me to stay strong in hard moments. It’s also been a strong reminder to not self-harm.
I started to self-harm when I was 15,I would find different ways to harm myself… I had a lot of things going on and I didn’t know how to cope. After 3 years of therapy, I told myself I would get a tattoo and that was the tattoo I got. Originally I wanted something with “ stay strong” but I didn’t know what until I saw Demi Lovato with the tattoo on her wrists and I thought, “ wow! I want that!” and I did. A lot of people have asked me why I got that tattoo, to some people I tell the story but some are not aware.

The third tattoo that I have is a quote saying, “We accept the love we think we deserve”. I didn’t come up with that quote, I found it on Pintrest but I thought that it’s so true. I think everyone can relate to the idea of thinking that we either don’t deserve someone that treats us like a Queen/King. I got this because I, myself struggle with the idea of accepting the love I truly deserve. I always thought that I could only get a guy that thinks so little of me and takes me for granted. I never thought that I could get someone that treats me with respect, that doesn’t cheat, that loves me for me, that takes me out, etc.. Every morning I look in the mirror and say out loud the quote that I now have tattooed on me and it reminds me that I deserve someone loving and caring.

“My body is my journal, and my tattoos are my story.”

                                                                  — Johnny Depp

 

Some people that know about my past have all asked me the same question. “Isn’t self-harming and getting tattoos the same thing?” “ You used to self-harm so really you’re just finding an excuse to harm yourself again”.
No, I am not doing it to self-harm. When I get a tattoo it has to have a meaning or a story to tell. However, when the urges do come back getting a tattoo seems like a good idea to me. Yes in a way I’m replacing one pain by another but at least instead of having scars I’m getting a tattoo that portraits a beautiful memory/reminder, every tattoo has a story. I can understand why people ask me those questions it can be confusing especially when they know my past.

I will admit, when I get my tattoos I love the feeling of getting them. There’s a part of me that feels relief and feels good when I feel the pain. However, there’s another part of me that is scared that I will fall back into that habit- that’s scared of facing my past again. I guess in a way I’m replacing one pain with another.
No, I do not get a tattoo to self-harm, I get a tattoo because I want one and/or I have a story to add. Yes I’m turning a battle scar into a beautiful picture.

If you do plan on getting tattoos please make sure you get one for the right reasons…

-Ivybelle-
Stay Strong. Stay beautiful. Stay you.
Keep fighting.
xx

Ivybelle: Safer Sex

Today in 2016 it’s so easy to get sex, whither it’s a friend or a girlfriend/boyfriend, a stranger, etc. However, how safe are we being when it comes to having sex? How many people out there use protection? How many people have gotten diseases or pregnant?

At 13-14 years old girls/boys are already having sex either from pressure or they are just sexually active at such a young age. A lot of these Teens look up to these celebrities/role models and want to be everything they are; dress up like them, talk like them etc. Whither it’s on TV, Magazines, radio, Sex is selling and people want it.
I know a lot of people as they got older they didn’t like using protection but they ended up pregnant (not that they regret it or anything) but wasn’t expected. I heard some people have got diseases from not having protection or not getting checked by a doctor.

It’s very important to remember;

  • Make sure its consensual
  • Make sure to use protection
  • (If you feel irritated, uncomfortable or sore it’s important to say something)

When you don’t use protection you can get HIV, Aids, STD’s, chlamydia, genital herpes, genital warts, hepatitis B, and syphilis. It’s very important to do checks up at either a walk in clinic or family doctor to make sure that you are okay. If you can’t use specific condoms, talk to your doctor about other options for you and your partner. If you do catch something please don’t be ashamed of talking to someone about it, it’s important to get help…

When I was young I didn’t really think about sex or boys. After I turned 12 boys started catching my attention but I was never the one to send pictures or run after boys. I was very shy and awkward. I didn’t sleep with anyone until after I was legal of age and I was very proud of myself for doing so. When I was in a serious relationship, me and my partner made sure that we were protected to make sure I wouldn’t get pregnant and we wouldn’t catch anything. Even though we were together for over 4 years, we didn’t want to risk it yet. And still today I think it’s very important for me and whoever I have that relationship with, to make sure to be protected.

I find it interesting how quickly kids want to grow up nowadays. They dress up like they are 18 and have that intimacy at young age already or sending naked  pictures like it’s not a big deal. What happened to just playing in the park and going to the movie theater and etc.? I mean, I can’t blame the kids at all, and I’m not judging but even myself I’m trying to understand. Kids don’t want to use protection but then one of them leaves because they have a kid or they got something. No matter what, it’s important to stick together. A person’s life can change in a split second by not protecting themselves. They can lose their job, their home, their partner, anything really. Please think twice and protect yourselves.

Ivybelle-
Stay Strong. Stay Beautiful. Stay You.

Ivybelle’s Life Goals

Life Goals

You know, I had to think about these life goals for a while because I wasn’t sure myself what I wanted out of life. However, after a lot of thinking I figured it out.

Here are some of my life goals;

• Become a musician: I know this might sound like a weird life goal but it’s something that I’ve been wanting since I was a kid. It’s something that I have to work really hard on. I know a lot of kids want to be a rock star when they get older, but today I’m an adult and I still have that goal. I’m working on taking some singing classes, guitar classes and saving up enough money so I can focus on my big goal in life.

• Help TIME get bigger: I really do want this organization to get bigger. Down the road I would love to say that I help people in any way possible and be able to go around to schools, work areas and etc., and keep building awareness. I would love to build shelters and travel the word and see what I can do to help. There is so much I want to do with this organization and I know it’s going to take a lot of work, especially financially.

• Be Happy: Happiness is something that I’ve been struggling for years to find. I really hope that one day I can learn to manage my depression and anxiety better so that I can be happy. It’s hard to either be worried about everything or not care at all and always being sad or angry. I do hope that one day I can find peace with myself, manage better and be happy. It’s something that I have to work hard for everyday whether it’s talking to a friend/family, going for walks, focusing on music or focusing on TIME.

• Being more patient: Patience is something I really need to work on; whether it’s with others or myself. Often, I get very impatient when I can’t get something right the first time or just in general. I lose patience when I have to wait after someone or etc. I think with by learning to slow down and accepting that everyone learns differently, with time I will be able to be patient. Growing up with a mother, who wasn’t very patient either, did not help.

• Inspire people: Ever since I was a kid, I would turn on TV and watch programs about kids who are in need and it would break my heart. I always knew I wanted to help the ones in need, whether it’s with self-harm, addiction, poverty, being homeless, mental health, etc. I’ve always hoped that my life story could inspire people to get help or inspire someone to help someone they know. One day I would love for someone to tell me “ hey, you inspire me to be a better person” or “ what you are doing is so inspiring to me”. Maybe it’s selfish for me to say, but knowing that I am doing something right makes me want to work harder. It makes me feel good to know that I CAN help someone.
-Ivybelle-

Stay Strong. Stay Beautiful. Keep Fighting.

Ivybelle, While I was away

Why was I away.Hello everyone, sorry I was gone for so long.

A lot of things have been happening lately and I’m going to try my best to explain it all.

A few months ago I fell in a big hole. I was really depressed and I felt very overwhelmed. I wasn’t talking to anyone and it was really hard just to get up in the morning. I didn’t want to deal with anyone or socialize.

At the end of November I got bad news about a man who I considered a father and he passed away. I hadn’t seen him in months and one day right after work I got a call saying that he was in the hospital. I was heart-broken and texted my best friend right away. A couple weeks went by and he passed away the day after I visited him.

I didn’t cry, I wasn’t angry, I wasn’t happy, I just didn’t completely understand what was going on.

In the middle of December I found out an old friend/ex boyfriend of mine passed away from a shooting. He was brought to the hospital and didn’t make it. I haven’t seen him in years but I promised myself I would visit him one day to talk and hang out but I haven’t gotten that chance. He was only 26 years old, had a whole life ahead of him and one situation turned wrong and that was the end of it.

Everything took a toll and I’m still trying to understand “why”.

I cried, I was angry, I blamed myself and felt guilt but today I got back on my feet and I have the motivation to write again.

I was able to talk to a dear friend, and when I was ready, explain why I left the way I did. I’m sorry I was away for so long, but I needed a break to get myself together.

Stay Strong, Stay Beautiful, Stay Positive.

-Ivybelle-

Ivybelle take on grieving a love one

“The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not ‘get over’ the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same nor would you want to.” ― Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

Everyone loses someone at some point and everyone grieves at some point. We’re often told to get over it or that eventually we will but it’s not that easy.  As for those who are suffering, grieving takes time. We need to go through all the stages of grieving; SHOCK & DENIAL, PAIN & GUILT, ANGER & BARGAINING, “DEPRESSION”, REFLECTION, LONELINESS, THE UPWARD TURN, RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH, ACCEPTANCE & HOPE. I’m not saying that everyone deals with it the same way everyone has a different way to cope.

I could give you a list of all the people my mom and I have lost, but it would never end. It’s really hard to see my mom grieving for that list. She tends to shut me out, sometimes she’ll lock herself in her room and cry.  Although she tries to hide it, I can hear it and it hurts me because I cant make her feel any better, I can’t bring back a loved one. I think I get that from my mom, I try to shut everyone out and cry myself to sleep.

It usually takes me a while before it hits me that I’ve lost someone. Sometimes it can take days, sometimes it takes weeks but when it sinks the pain kicks in. I feel like my lungs are giving out on me, my head starts spinning and my throat hurts from trying not to cry. Sometimes, I feel like I’m going to be sick. I’ve lost a lot of people especially family. My family is getting smaller and somehow my family is becoming more distant with one another, it hurts to see that.

When I lost my Great Grand Mother, my whole family fell apart. I moved out here to BC to live with my mom and a year after that is when she passed away. I got the news from my mom when she received it in an email from her brother. At first she thought it was a misunderstanding but then she realized that it wasn’t. She tried so hard not to cry, but for me it hadn’t sunk in yet. She broke down crying in front of her computer and I didn’t know how to react or what to do. When she calmed down she told me that she felt guilty. She felt guilty because she promised her that she would go visit her before she left us, and unfortunately she couldn’t afford to go see her. She felt that she failed as a grand daughter. That’s when it hit me… She’s gone…

I tried telling my mom that it’s not her fault, that there’s nothing she could have done. That life throws us curve balls and we try to make the best of it. We found out a month later when her funeral was, but my mom still couldn’t afford to go back east to attend. She cried for hours and told me “ I didn’t even get the chance to say goodbye. I should’ve started saving money years ago.”  My great grand mother was like a mom to my mother. She took care of her growing up when her mom was too busy working.

My mom went through all of the stages of grieving before accepting that her grandma is in a better place. Today she still hurts a bit, but she accepts it. Me on the other hand, took a bit longer to accept it. I knew for a couple years before her passing she wasn’t going to be around much longer. She was getting thinner and she was barely eating. I cried a lot before her passing because I knew I wasn’t going to have her around much longer. When she did pass away, in that moment it was unexpected. She was the one to make sure the family was close and taught us what we know today. She taught us the importance of family values.  It wasn’t until last year that I finally learned to let go.

If I had the chance to talk to her again I would ask her if she’s happy. Tell her that I miss her, that I think about her all the time and that I love her. That my mom wants her to know that she’s sorry for not being there for her. I wish I could tell her how much my life has changed and I’m doing things that I love. I would ask her for life advice and tell her we’re okay.  Grieving is a long process, but it takes time to heal. There’s no time or magical way of making it all go away. Take time to heal and don’t be afraid to ask for help. Remember that it’s not your fault and tell yourself that now, they are in a happier place and they are looking over you.
Breathe. You’ll be okay.

Stay strong, Stay beautiful, Stay you.
-Ivybelle- xox

IvyBelle Talks Depression

“Everybody feels these moments of sadness and moments of loss and sometimes I think everybody can relate to sitting alone and feeling like crap and a friend of yours comes up and starts like, you know, ‘come on, feel happy,’ and you don’t want that. Sometimes it’s alright to let yourself live in a moment and let yourself be upset about something and so that you can show yourself that regardless of how low you feel, you can always rise out of it, but not in that moment. And so the song ends with the lyric, ‘I believe we all fall down’ but I don’t say ‘but we get back up’. It’s just, sometimes you fall down and sometimes you feel low and that’s okay.”    – Andy Biersack
(in reference to the song Lost It All https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8IE6HfvtX5g )

Talking about my experience with depression is hard. Ive been staring at this blank page for hours not sure where to start or what to say. I can say that it’s not something that is easy to talk about. I can’t really explain how it all started or what triggered it, because I don’t really know myself. All I know is that I was never really happy. If I was, it would maybe be a day or an hour and then I would just hit rock bottom again. It wasn’t that I was ungrateful, it’s just that it seems like I didn’t know how to be happy. It wasn’t a familiar feeling. Still today I’m not really sure if I will find true happiness one day. If I’ll actually wake up in the morning be happy about my job, not fight with my mom, not just sit and just feel sad or always be angry. Some days I worry that I’m going to lose my job because every day I become more and more aggressive. This filter that I once had doesn’t exist anymore. I see my manager’s reaction to what I say sometimes and I can tell she’s not too happy about it. I know if I keep this up, I won’t have a job soon.

Happiness is hard for me to find.I’ll be somewhere with a friend or family, and yet in the back of my mind, I just miss someone, or just want to sit at home and not do anything. I’ll be sad about something that happened years ago or I’ll just get irritated. My mom would bug me a bit and I would snap back even though I know shes joking, I just can’t control myself. Every time I move I keep telling myself, this time I’ll be happy! This time, my depression will go away. But the next day, sadness and anger comes back.

I didn’t really think much about the fact that I have depression until I looked up the symptoms of depression.  Theres days that I hear my alarm go off and I just roll over and try to ignore it-  but unfortunately, I need to pay my bills, rent, food, etc…  motivation is something that I lack big time! It’s something I struggle with. Im passionate about a lot of things but it hard for me to reach my goals, it’s a constant battle with myself. There’s days I wake up and just start crying, not wanting to get up, tired of hurting, tired of struggling. When I looked up on google the symptoms of depression this is what I found:

What Are Symptoms of Depression?

According to the National Institute of Mental Health, symptoms of depression may include the following:

  • Difficulty concentrating, remembering details, and making decisions
  • Fatigue and decreased energy
  • Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, and/or helplessness
  • Feelings of hopelessness and/or pessimism
  • Insomnia, early-morning wakefulness, or excessive sleeping
  • Irritability, restlessness
  • Loss of interest in activities or hobbies once pleasurable, including sex ( Depending on person )
  • Overeating or appetite loss
  • Persistent aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems that do not ease even with treatment, etc…
  • Persistent sad, anxious, or “empty” feelings
  • Thoughts of suicide, suicide attempts

Source:   http://www.webmd.com/depression/guide/detecting-depression

When I read the symptoms it definitely helped me understand why I was/am being the way I was/am. Ive heard that you can take medication and I’ve tried it, but it didn’t really work for me. Ive had therapy, it made me feel better for that one hour. I told myself that one day ill be able to walk out of there with a smile and be “fixed”. Unfortunately, that wasn’t the case. Ive had therapy for 3 years and I don’t regret it. My therapist was great, taught me things about life, and made me understand things that I didn’t know before. Helped me be wiser. When I told people I was in therapy they would look at me like I’m crazy or like I’m mental. I had to tell my friends that I had therapy because I kept telling them that I had a doctor’s appointment every 2 weeks and they thought it was weird until I told them that I wasn’t actually going to see a doctor.

“Here is the tragedy: when you are the victim of depression, not only do you feel utterly helpless and abandoned by the world, you also know that very few people can understand, or even begin to believe, that life can be this painful.” – Giles Andreae

One of the feeling I hate is feeling helpless. You see a friend or family member hurting and you feel bad, you want to take their pain away but at the same time you feel awkward because you’re not sure what to do. That’s when the feeling of being helpless comes in. I can sit here and be someone’s therapist – give advice cause in that moment I’m not thinking about me, Im thinking about someone else’s issues. Sometimes I think that I’m not worth it. When I’m in a relationship I tell myself “why is he even with me? Im broken, I’m depressed and lost.” Even my friends, I wonder why they are even my friends. All I do is either talk about my problems or I shut them out. I feel like I shouldn’t be talking about my problems because I feel like I’m a burden or sometimes I feel like they will judge me even though they don’t. It can be really frustrating.

Some days I go without eating or I’ll over eat… but then when I look in the mirror I keep seeing that I’ve gained weight and I tell myself that I’m ugly. Some days I’ll get irritated about little things or everything and it just cuts my appetite. Food is not the only reason why I’ve gained weight, it’s also because of how stressed and depressed I’ve been. Every night I try to go for walks, try to just forget everything by listening to music when it’s late and quiet out. I don’t really do it to get in shape. I do it because I need to get away from everything.

Sleep is my only safe haven. It’s the only place where 80% of the time I can have dreams and be happy without anyone telling me what to do or judge me. A place where I don’t have to worry about work, people, money, my depression, thinking about self-harm, all that goes away and that’s why I like to sleep. I love to sleep. Most of the time I can sleep for more than 12 hours and yet I still want to sleep. Even though I like sleeping, sometimes I hate it. When nightmares come around it’s a painful time, I can’t wake up from it until it’s done. Whatever feeling I have, injury or etc., I feel the pain when I wake up. For example if I get stabbed in my nightmare, when I wake up I will feel the pain exactly where I got stabbed. Waking up is a relief at that point except for the pain. However, when I have dreams waking up is painful because it reminds me of that everything was just a dream. Sometimes the hardest thing is to wake up after a nightmare and feel like you’re also living a nightmare. Some days I can’t sleep or I don’t want to sleep. Too many things are on my mind or I’m scared of what the night holds for me. I’ll go to bed crying not sure why, just this heavy feeling in my chest.

“There are many who don’t wish to sleep for fear of nightmares. Sadly, there are many who don’t wish to wake for the same fear.”

― Richelle E. Goodrich, Dandelions: The Disappearance of Annabelle Fancher

Over the years, I lost interest in all the things I was passionate about. Still today even though I love music, acting and writing, I seem to have loss interest, motivation for. When I was a kid, that’s all I cared about. Told myself I would be in the showbiz but today I’m 24 and Im just working in a store full time and trying to finish college. Don’t get me wrong, it’s still something I want to do – sing, act, write, but I struggle with getting out of bed. I don’t sing, play piano, write poetry, or act anymore. For someone who struggles with depression it’s really hard. We often get told that we’re lazy, we don’t care enough, that we expect people to just hand it out to us and honestly, hearing that frustrates us.

I’d love to be able to say it gets better, but unfortunately it doesn’t happen for everyone.X Some people never truly get over depression. I, myself am still struggling with depression but it doesn’t mean you will never feel that moment of happiness. It doesn’t mean that no one will get over depression- some people overcome it and others keep fighting. Depression doesn’t make you crazy, worthless or unloved; it makes you resilient. If you need help or support, don’t be afraid to ask for it.

Stay strong. Stay you. Stay beautiful. Keep fighting.
Ivybelle – XOX –

IvyBelle LGBTQIA

Bisexual has been around for years yet people act like it’s a new thing. Like it’s a sin, but let me tell you something…

Hi. I’m Ivybelle and I’m Bisexual.

When I was a kid, I would look at women just like I would look at men. I never saw or thought that there was a difference. I thought that it was a normal thing to think that a woman is pretty or thinking that I wanted to kiss them- that it was a girl thing that all women/girls think like that. But over the years I realized that it wasn’t. People would look at me weird like I was an alien or something. But to some guys, it was exciting.

The first thing I would get asked is “ What about a threesome?” or “ Does that mean you have threesomes?”. The answer to that is no! No girl ever wants to hear that her man wants her and another girl. It makes us feel like we aren’t good enough. Being Bisexual does not mean they want threesomes. It just means they like women as much as men.

Another question I get is “ How did you know?” . Well I didn’t know at first. As a kid I thought it was normal. I’ve never heard of “Bisexual”. I didn’t hear about it until I was 16. It was quite late but I didn’t know there was a specific term for liking both sexes.

I only came out to my parents when I was 23. I remember being nervous and a million questions were crossing my mind. One of them being “what if they reject me!?”. That’s the question that most of us ask ourselves. My mom accepted it, my dad not so much. Most of my friends knew way before my mom knew.

My dad was bi-curious when he was a teenager. He’ll deny it to anyone but he admitted to me way before everything went south. He found out I’m bisexual though my half-sister. My step-mom told me what happened and this is what apparently happened… When my Half-Sister told my dad that I’m bisexual, he denied me as his child. He was disappointed and said he was ashamed of me. I thought it was a bit hypocritical. How can someone who was bi-curious/bisexual judge their child who is bisexual.

I sort of came out of my mom while we were having a discussion about my dad’s past experience with men and women. I told her that I kind of like women. I wasn’t ready to fully admit it yet. Today, my mom knows. I came out 100%, it didn’t bother her at all. She said that she loves me for who I am no matter what. It was a relief to know.

Today, it doesn’t really matter to me if people know about my sexuality. I am me! And I love who I am and that’s all that matters.

Always love yourself and be you. No one can change you or tell you who to be. Whether you are gay, lesbian,bisexual, transgender, etc.. your sexuality doesn’t define you. Remember that you are beautiful and loved. It might be hard right now, but it will get better. It really does. Im not just saying that to make you smile, im saying that because its true. Be strong and don’t change. At the end of the day, who you like, marry, sleep with doesn’t concern anyone else.Be happy. Do what makes you happy.

Stay Strong. Be happy. Stay beautiful.

-Ivybelle- xox

What is Love to Ivybelle

That feeling that you get when you see that one person that makes your life beautiful. The way that person smiles, laughs, the way he/she walks, the way he/she smiles, acts. The way you notice their eye color, hair color. How the only thing that matters is what they say and how even though their joke isn’t funny, you can’t help but smile and laugh.

The way you get a weird feeling in your tummy, you get butterflies and you feel like you’re going to be sick. How your hand gets sweaty and get too nervous to speak. How you always think of that person and can never get enough of being around them. How you cant explain why you love that person or how to explain the feeling of love. How you will always text, call or protect them. Making sure they r okay. And even though his or her heart belongs to someone else, you’ll still stand by his or her side and cant stop that feeling.

When people tell you she/ he’s no good but you see what they don’t see. When you still have those feelings even though that person hurts you or you’re hurting inside.

How you see a future with them, something simple or something big.

Maybe it’s the way he/she hugs you and u feel at home.

The way he/she cares about you. The way he/she takes time to see you even of its just to chill and talk.

How you would give up everything, your dreams, and your place just to make him/her happy.

What is love?
It’s a question that we often ask ourselves. We wonder what is right or wrong in a relationship or what we say. But what if there isn’t any “rules” or wrong way to love someone?

Weather its a crush, or boyfriend/girlfriend or husband/wife.

We live in a world now where when something broken we just throw it away for something that wont last or isn’t worth it. We break hearts because we are confused by the rules that are created and by letting the world inter our hearts and problems.

We give and we break. But we ignore our feelings because were scared of being rejected. Either were too fat, too skinny, nerdy, too tall or too short, Too smart or too pretty or fake and ignorante.

We want to love, but do we really know what love is??
Well that’s my thought on love…

Take chances. Fall in love, do crazy things.
Be you.

-Ivybelle – Xx

Ivybelle Opinion Piece on Self Harm

Self-Harm is a very touchy subject to a lot of people. It has been around for years and yet people don’t really understand why people do it or don’t really understand that there is more than one type of self-harm. There’s mutilation, burning, too much food or not enough, there’s drugs/alcohol, there’s lack of sleep or too much, and many more. A person doesn’t always realize what they do to themselves. People who starve themselves or have lack of sleep don’t realize that they are harming themselves because they think it’s a normal thing and that it doesn’t hurt their body.

The first thing people thing a person will think when mentioning “Self-Harm” is cutting or burning themselves. Self-Harm can not only be caused by a mental issue but also from bullying, harassment, Abuse, etc.. It can really push someone into harming themselves. Self-Harm is something that I know very well. I myself have struggled with it for years, mine was a combined of different harms including; mutilation, lack of sleep, lack of food and at some point I wanted to turn to burning myself. Not a lot of people knew because I didn’t want anyone to know. I was scared that they would tell my mom or they would make fun of me or send me into a hospital.

The first time I ever tried self-harm I was 10. When I was 10 years old, I got bullied really badly. I got called every name in the book, physically abused, people made fun of me because my mom was deaf and a girl started a petition of who wanted me dead. Eventually I started starving myself. Not only because I was being called ugly and fat, but because my mom was poor and couldn’t always afford to buy food. I stopped eating and I was afraid to tell anyone about the situations I was going through.

In gym class one day I blacked out and the gym teachers didn’t do anything. I thought to myself maybe no one actually cares about me after all. At that moment I didn’t really want to live anymore. With the years I just got the habit of starving myself without realizing that I was actually self-harming myself. I thought it was normal I didn’t think I was harming myself. When I was younger, sleep was not something that I would allow myself at times. The abuse I went through since I was 5 caused me to be paranoid and cause a serious trauma. I would stay awake for weeks and I would start having physical pain. Like cramps, headaches, my eyes would hurt, I was emotionally drained and eventually it didn’t matter anymore because I allowed my body to suffer because of my fear. With time, I didn’t have to force myself to stay up anymore and I wouldn’t get any physical pain because I got used to it. I didn’t realize the damage I was causing to my body.

In high school I was finally told by an old friend told me that cutting was a way for her to release pain and it felt good. I tried it and that’s what I turned to… I did it for many reasons. One of them was to focus my pain physically and forget the pain emotionally. I hated the feeling of pain. So instead I would focus on the physical pain because it was only temporary. Another reason as well, was because I felt ugly. I was bullied for years and people would always call me ugly, fat, useless, they said that nobody loved me even my mom. Eventually I believe it. Self-Harm was a way for me to express how I felt on the inside to match the outside. Another reason was that I became addicted to the pain. The pain felt good, It made me feel alive again.

When go through a lot of emotional pain and bottle it up, you eventually become numb. It’s like it becomes too much mentally and emotionally and you forget that you are even alive because eventually you don’t feel the pain of cutting or burning or any other type of self-harm. After cutting wasn’t enough for me, I wanted so badly to try burning myself. I came close to doing it until I got caught by a friend and gave me a speech about how self-harm wasn’t the way to deal with situations. At that point, bullying wasn’t the only problem. There was family issues as well. But then I thought to myself maybe I should just stick to cutting along with the other things I was doing to myself. See, even though people tell you to not harm yourself, it’s something that is not easy to stop.

Often you think to yourself that no one understands your pain, that they don’t really care about you, that they say it out of pity or that they would feel responsible if something happened to you. You think that you are alone, that you will never get through your problems that the easiest way to deal with it is self-harm to the point that you kill yourself or even become numb. Sometimes you would like to wear a t-shirt or shorts but you can’t because you don’t want people to judge you on the battle wounds you have or you feel too ugly because of the scars, yet you can’t seem to stop. It’s a way to relief yourself, a “home”, an addiction, your therapy.

A lot of people won’t understand why you do it. And really, it’s not something that’s easy to explain unless you go through it. Often people who self-harm are being called weak, stupid and even “useless”. I’ve heard that one many times,but it’s not. People who self-harm are a lot stronger than people think. They go through a lot and don’t know how to deal with it. It’s so easy to be judged. Not everyone has the courage to take a blade, knife, razor, etc… To their skin without thinking without crying and doing it over and over again.

Often people tells us that we are attention-whores, or we are a sad excuse. Sometimes were are just looking for people to pity us. That would wouldn’t be harming ourselves if we really wanted to end ourselves. However sometimes, people who starve/over eat, use drugs/alcohol, etc… Don’t realize they are harming themselves, so how can they be looking for attention- not everyone has money to get therapy. A lot of doctors would say that you need medication or therapy, but honestly, we don’t need therapy or medication to make us feel crazy. We need someone to give us a hug and tell us we will be okay and that we aren’t crazy. We need a true friend who won’t betray us, and no one wants to be a medication because they just think we are crazy and that medication will make people stop harming themselves.

Self-harm is a very vulnerable thing to admit and to talk about. Schools don’t really talk about it anymore. People choose to close their eyes instead of getting them some help. More and more people are turning to those releases because it’s the only thing that can make them feel free in a way. Today’s society is making us more and more depressed because of the standards or being “beautiful“ or  making us so stressed out that we feel like there is no way out. Today, I still struggling with self-harm. I’ve stopped for a couple years and every day is another day that I am struggling to not get into it again. It’s not easy. When I see a knife, the temptation is there. There’s morning and lunches that I skip eating and there are days that I force myself to stay up. It’s a battle that I keep fighting but I tell myself that I have to stay strong.

So remember people, stay strong. You are beautiful and it does get better. Don’t be afraid to get help. You are not crazy, you are just going through pain that is overwhelming and hard to deal with. You will get through it. Stay strong. Stay Beautiful. – Ivybelle – Xx

Why I chose the Pen Name IvyBelle Teller

Pen Name Blog

 
The story behind my name:
Ivybelle Teller isn’t something that really has a fascinating story behind it, if I’m being honest ha-ha.
Ivybelle Teller came about for 3 reasons.

Ivy:
I’ve always liked the name Ivy, I’m not really sure why but I like that name. I thought it sounded nice. There’s something powerful yet sweet about that name that I just love.

Belle:
Belle was a name that I also love. My #1 Favourite movie is Beauty & The Beast. I love the story behind it and Belle is def. my favourite Princess. She’s very smart, loves books, puts family first, has her own attitude and she’s all about what’s in people’s hearts.

When I figured out that Ivybelle was a name that came together nicely, I picked that name to be my Pen Name.

Teller:
Well, Teller came up randomly. I thought of something that I love and that’s Son’s Of Anarchy. SOA is one of my favourite shows. Teller comes from a character in the show who goes by the name of Jackson (JAX) Teller. He’s a guy with a good heart who knows how to lead his team. And the fact that I kind of have a crush on him and you know, wish I was married to him kind of made me pick that last name. HaHa , I know, total fan girl over here.

So these are my reason why I pick my Pen name as
Ivybelle Teller. After a lot of debating on the last name I finally picked it.

– Ivybelle – Xx