Marie Talks: Domestic Abuse

Disclaimer: None of what I say is definite it varies case to case. I can only speak of my personal experiences.

Domestic Violencealso known as domestic abuse, spousal abuse, intimate partner violence, battering or family violence,  is a pattern of behavior which involves violence or other abuse by one person against another in a domestic setting, such as in marriage or cohabitation.
Domestic Abuse can come in many forms,  the five types are: physical,  emotional,  sexual,  psychological and economic (financial).  It can also include spiritual abuse which is belittling a person’s beliefs.
Domestic abuse can happen to anyone: female, male, young, or old.

Domestic abuse is a scary thought, and it can be down right terrifying to the person living it. It can be draining, traumatizing and seemingly endless.  Many times you are constantly making excuses for your abuser whether to yourself or to others.  Or you believe that they’re just struggling and you can help them,  that you are the only one who can fix them. It can be hard to imagine that you can’t: help this person, get back the person you fell for before the abuse started, make things better and have a healthy and happy relationship.

You try to justify that the abuse only happens when they had a bad day or only once in a while, it’s not that bad – it could be worse. Your partner had a rough day at work, they just failed a test, they got laid off, or it only happens when they’re drunk. It’s a vicious circle of being abused and justifying your partners actions, whether with your reasoning or the reasons they feed you. The excuses, the countless reasons, they all add up until you could probably write a novel with all the justification given for their actions. For every action there’s a reason and whether consciously or subconsciously you give or accept the reason for the action.

You justify their actions believing you deserved it, you brought it upon yourself. They hit you and yell demeaning, hurtful things at you; but that’s ok you didn’t do what they asked of you. You’re forbidden from seeing your friends or family because you don’t tell them everything you do (how can they trust you if you don’t give them a minute by minute run through) or you stay out too long. You hug a friend of an opposite sex, or look or talk to anyone of the opposite sex, that’s punishable, how can you be trusted to be faithful. You dress or act not exactly as they want you to, they don’t like it, you did wrong by them and you deserve what happened. You buy things they see as petty and unnecessary, how can you be trusted to manage your own money.

The first time your partner abused you they apologize and promise they will not do so again, you believe them. You tell your partner that you forgive them, and for a while it may not happen again. But one day they hit you or demean you (use any form of abuse really) again, and you wonder why you believed them the first time that they were truly sorry and that it wouldn’t happen again. Your partner apologizes again, giving another reason for why it happened and maybe they promise again that it was the last time, they care for you and it hurts them just as much as you if not more. Or they tell you that you deserved it for something you did and tell you that they were really angry and you crossed a line. Maybe you forgive them again, holding on to the belief that what they are saying is true. However they don’t stay true to their words it happens again and again. Maybe the abuse is widely spread out a year between the first two, a couple months, a month, weeks or days; but it starts becoming more frequent with even more excuses. The abuse gets worse, you start looking over your shoulder, start isolating yourself and living in fear of your partner. You are probably still holding on to the happy memories, how great they can be, how they used to be; they are still that person just troubled. Maybe you keep forgiving them, maybe you want out. Your partner may threaten you with what they will do if you tell someone, if you try to leave them, if someone finds out.. and that just adds to your fear.

I think it’s important for the victim of domestic abuse to remember the excuses made for their partners actions, the justification either of you give does not make your partners actions alright. That you do not and never did deserve how you were treated, and that it’s not your job to ‘fix’ them. That the abuse you are/were put through is not your fault and there is no reason for you to have been treated like that. That all the apologies and jestures can not make up for your partners actions. Whether you decide to stay or not should not be up to your partner. That you should not put or keep yourself in a situation that is harmful to yourself. That there is always a way out, and there is help. Remember that there is no reason to be ashamed of being abused, that you can reach out to get help to recover.

Stay Strong. Stay Beautiful. Stay Safe.
Marie Olsson xx

RESOURCES:

International Resources
http://www.hotpeachpages.net/a/countries.html
Helpline 24/7 (VictimLink) (BC, Canada)
http://www.domesticviolencebc.ca/dvbc/index.page?
1-800-563-0808
Surrey Woman’s Center: http://www.surreywomenscentre.ca/
(Surrey, BC, Canada)

Sources: http://www.woodbridgedvrt.org/pages/fiveforms.html

Madison’s Story of Domestic Abuse

There can be many ways you can be a victim of domestic abuse. there are physical, sexual, psychological, emotional, economical. I have been through more then I want to admit, I’m also sorry this blog is late everyone. this topic was alot harder to write then the others were. I have been through a couple different types of abuse and I have also been a bystander for some and it’s not something I’m proud of but the fear at the time was alittle over powering.

I’ll start with the deffinition like I always do. I got this definition off of Dictionary.com.

Domestic Violence: Act of violence or abuse against a person living in one’s house hold, especially a member of one’s immediate family.

that may be the definition, but it can also come from a boyfriend/girlfriend.

Physical: In my very first relationship I was physically abused. I was really young at time only 8 years old, it wasn’t really a relationship it was more like a guess what your mine now from my boyfriend, Jack was 16 at that time he was my bestfriend big brother who took me in when I didn’t have anywhere to go. Jack would beat me everynight until I gave into him sexually. Yet he treated me like a princess during the day. If I got hit during the day he would tell me it was because “I missed behaved” or I didn’t follow his rules. I was at the age were i didn’t really understad that it wasn’t ok to be treated that way, and it happend so rarely in public that no one really took notice. I ended up in a vicious cycle that sent me into a deep depression, I ended up moving provinces because of it to get away from him.

Sexual: As I mentioned before I have been sexually assulted and raped by my boyfriend and his friends if I didn’t follow the house rules. I’ve had many boyfriends tell me that because I’m dating them they could do what ever they want and they could do no wrong because they owned me.  That tormented me because I’d feel so used and nothing more then a toy to them. Also I couldn’t leave because where would I go? I was always afriad.

I went through much more but That will be saved for another blog.

My feelings:It took me a long time to recover from some of my past relationships. I had so many trust issues that my boyfriend now is still trying to help me with. I feel bad seeing the fear in his face when I flinch when he gives me a hug or him having to keep reasuring me that he loves me because I sometimes can’t tell the difference. I would do anthing to give my heart and soul to him, and I know it will come in time, but there is always going to be fear until the light breaks through my heart once more. 🙂

Nothing is impossible; the word itself says ‘I’m possible’! By Audrey Hepburn
​~Madison Taylor.

Howie Discusses Domestic Abuse

“There are four lights!”- Jean-Luc Picard

Hey blog readers, it’s me Howie Defranco, firstly I hope you all had a good Halloween, secondly today’s topic is about Domestic abuse.  I’m going to take a minute to discuss the quote at the top, it’s a quote about psychological torture and making someone do what they don’t really want to do (it’s also a really good Star Trek episode).  Anyways the reason why I bring that up is that domestic abuse is both a physical and psychological torture that a person has an incredibly difficult time getting away from.  Now wait a minute here someone might disagree and say domestic violence isn’t the same as torture.  Domestic violence is defined “as a pattern of behavior in any relationship that is used to gain or maintain power and control over an intimate partner. Abuse is physical, sexual, emotional, economic or psychological actions or threats of actions that influence another person.”  In comparison to torture, “action or practice of inflicting severe pain on someone as a punishment or to force them to do or say something, or for the pleasure of the person inflicting the pain.”
The two definitions are actually quite similar, when you think about it which brings us to the fact that it’s horrible.  Take a minute for a second can you even imagine, imagine the person, the person that supposedly loves you hitting you, punishing you, controlling you, disrespecting you.  Picking at every piece of your self esteem to the point were all you can do is cry, living in fear of anyone finding out, because of what the person would do back or worse to them.  Domestic abuse is one of the worst thing a person can commit in this world, because they truly are destroying a person who won’t give up on them. You are acting like a monster, if you are committing this because it’s something no one in this world could look at and see a reasonable reason for it.
An eye for an eye does not apply to this kind of situation, so if your doing it out of spite that’s just shameful, if they hurt you just leave them don’t be petty and become this.  If it’s because it’s how you were raised, it’s what you saw when you were growing up, it comes in anyway from your upbringing then stop it right now, you have no right to be doing and neither did whoever taught you.  For the men that do this specifically think about your mothers when you are hurting the one you love, what would the women who brought you into this world think, without women we would not be here.  In the same vein girls, think about your fathers, who wanted you to be strong, what would they think if you were destroying another person.  Domestic abuse is one of the things in this world that shouldn’t exist at all.  If you’ve experienced it, or are experiencing it don’t stay quiet find a way to get it out, to expose the monster they are to the world.
Bibliography
www.icadvinc.org/what-is-domesticviolence