Fear of relationships Pt.2

It’s been 3 years since then, I thought that by now I would have healed and I would be able to get in a relationship no problem. Unfortunately that isn’t the case. Today, I am 25, single, living on my own and still no relationship.

When I came back to Vancouver, my ex was the last one to know. My best friend and I would take pictures together, hang out and post it on social media but without the location. For a few weeks he didn’t catch on I was back. He asked me a couple times if they were old picture or if I was back and I would just ignore his messages. Eventually, I figured me and my ex needed to talk so I told him I’ve been back for weeks and he got really mad at me. I didn’t feel bad about it and I felt like I didn’t owe him anything. I didn’t have to tell him anything but I did it because I wanted to move on with my life by talking to him face to face.

When my best friend and I went to go talk to him, it made me realize that I really did make the right decision by leaving him. He was still acting like a little boy and being selfish. He didn’t see the mistakes he made and the hurtful things he has said. He believed that I was at fault. I knew at that moment I didn’t need him in my life.

A year past when I saw him next. We are working on being friends and I get to see my Nephew more often. Him giving me my space was the best thing he could do. I had to think about where I was going in my life and who was I going to be as a person- was I going to hold grudges for the rest of my life or was I going to live my life in happiness? I admit, I feel better now that I’m not holding a grudges. It doesn’t mean though that I have forgotten or forgiven what happened, it just means that I’m not going to hate him for the rest of my life.

Hating on my Ex-Fiancé and holding on to my other Ex was killing me inside. I was holding on to things that are never going to come back or be like it used to be. I had to learn to let go of someone I loved and someone I resented. I had to learn that everything happens for a reason and not everything will go my way. What happened in my past has made me stronger and wiser.

Honestly, I’m not sure how I will react if I ever see ex again. I know there’s still a part of me that breaks when I hear his name, when I hear about his family. I still wonder if he thinks of me, wonders what I’m doing with my life or even if I’m happy.

I still wonder “what if”. I still carry a picture of him with me. Sometimes I think I torture myself by doing so. I do wish him happiness. I wish him the best of luck and I hope his wife gives him everything he needs and wants. I hope he lives in a beautiful house and has a job he loves. However at the end of day, I miss him.

Another reason why I fear relationships… Many men and women have sexually abused me. All these people would blame me and makes me feel so tiny, like I was nothing! They would say that I’m fat, ugly and that I pretty much deserved it. How does someone trust anyone if everyone they trusted betrayed them? I cannot say that I trust people because I don’t entirely. However, one day i hope that i will be able to do so.

Ivy belle: Fear of relationships Pt.1

Fear of relationships

 

“It’s okay to be scared. Being scared means you’re about to do something really, really brave.” – Mandy Hale

Have you ever stopped yourself from being in a relationship because you’re too scared to get hurt or be in one? I have.

The last time I was in a relationship was when I was 19 and left him when I was 22. I was engaged to this guy and we lived together even though he put me through a lot. From cheating, to lying & even using me, I stayed with him because I thought that I was just being a bad girlfriend and I was overreacting. When you’re in a relationship with someone who blames you for everything and tells you it’s your fault- you start to believe it. That relationship was my first serious relationship and I think that’s why I kept forgiving him because I also thought that this is the only relationship I will ever have and that no one else will love me but him.

I remember being vulnerable, angry, anxiety, hurt and I felt betrayed 90% of our relationship. He would be with another woman but lie to me, and even if he wasn’t I got so paranoid that I couldn’t sleep at night until he would show up. When I would ask him where he’s been, he would get very defensive. I didn’t know at the time that lies could really destroy a person. I took him back at least 8 times but every time I told myself “ this time is it! Me and him are over for good.” However, I would always take him back even when I knew it was bad news. I stayed with him until I literally hated him. I couldn’t stand having him around anymore. I didn’t want to be intimate, I wanted him to go sleep over at his friends, I would get upset for no reason and I was angry all the time.

Instead of leaving him and saving myself the pain I stayed with him to the point that I hated him more than my dad. Later on, when we broke off the engagement and everything I told myself I wouldn’t get into another relationship but then my ex’s sister introduced me to someone else. He was a nice guy and with time I fell hard for him. He would always try to surprise me but little did I know, my ex knew him too and he didn’t like him- apparently he’s a “goof” whatever that means. My ex did everything in his power to make sure that we broke up. One say my ex called me and told me I had to chose to break up with my boyfriend or having no where to live. I remember being hurt, torn and I told him that I wasn’t going to break up with my boyfriend for him.

One night my ex called me really angry and told me we needed to talk face to face. When I showed up we got into a heated argument about my boyfriend and he kept asking me if I broke up with my boyfriend, I told him no. At this point it was 2 am and I was ready to walk out the door until he wouldn’t let me leave because it was late. Eventually I gave in and he told me we would watch a movie together until we fell asleep. At that moment I knew all this was wrong and I just wanted to sit in a corner and cry. When we were watching a moving my ex put his hands on me and I kept telling him no to take his hands off me. I thought he would of understood but next thing I know I was pinned to his bed and he forced me to have sex with him. I felt disgusted even though I kept telling him that this is a bad idea that we shouldn’t do this. It was too late. The next morning he left for work and I hurried to get all my stuff together to leave but his roommate told me that I shouldn’t of slept with him that I would hurt my ex’s feelings. I tried to explain to him that I tried to tell him no but he kept blaming me. When I got back to my ex sister’s place (where I lived) and I tried to avoided talking about the night before.

When I got home I was trying to get a hold of my boyfriend but I wasn’t able to get a hold of him. My ex’s sister confronted me about what happened last night because apparently my ex called her. I tried to explain the situation but she sided with him by saying that he didn’t point a gun to my head and I could of left at any point, I was hurt. I texted my ex telling him that that night wasn’t supposed to happened that he pressured me into sleeping with him but he said that I could of walked away. In that moment I was so confused if it was rape or if it was actual sex. My ex threatened to tell my boyfriend that I cheated on him and that I liked it and etc.. After 3 days I finally got a message from my boyfriend asking me what the hell happened and explained that he got a message from my ex and he was really mad. I explained that I didn’t want to sleep with him but he pressured me but my boyfriend only saw it as cheating not rape. At the moment, he broke up with me and I was devastated.

I didn’t really have anyone to talk to because I wasn’t on good terms with any of my friends and I didn’t want to have this talk with my mom. I had so many plans with my boyfriend: we were suppose to move in together, build a family and get married but that night of the break up he got back with his ex girlfriend and got engaged. Now he’s happily married and has 4 kids. Still today I miss him. I wish we could talk things through and be friends but I know that’s not possible. I keep telling myself that I might actually have had a good life right now and be happy.

After all the heartache I moved back to Quebec with my family to get my life back together. I told myself that I would be doing a job that I love, that I could heal my heart again, and take care of my family- but that wasn’t the case for most part. My ex-fiancé was always trying to get a hold of me-texting, snap chatting, Facebook, etc. I kept telling him to leave me alone but he wouldn’t. It took me a long time for me to be able to supress my anger and bitterness. I stayed single even though my friends and family tried to hook me up with people. I’ve had people ask me for one night stands but I’ve turned them all down because I don’t personally think that sleeping with someone while I’m healing will help me at all or just sleeping with someone for the pleasure of it.

To be continued….

Stay Strong. Stay Beautiful. Keep fighting -Ivybelle- Xx

 

 

Ivybelle: Sexual Harassment Facts

“Unwelcome conduct of a sexual nature that detrimentally affects the work environment or leads to adverse job related consequences for the victims of the harassment. By requiring an employee, male or female, to contend with unwelcome sexual actions or explicit sexual demands, sexual harassment in the workplace attacks the dignity and self respect of the victim both as an employee and as a human being.” – The Canadian legal definition of Sexual Harassment
Some examples of sexual harassment are:

  • Asking for sex in exchange for a benefit or a favour
  • Repeatedly asking for dates, and not taking “no” for an answer
  • Demanding hugs
  • Making unnecessary physical contact, including unwanted touching
  • Using rude or insulting language or making comments toward women
    (or men, depending on the circumstances)
  • Calling people sex-specific derogatory names
  • Making sex-related comments about a person’s physical characteristics
    or actions
  • Saying or doing something because you think a person does not conform
    to sex-role stereotypes
  • Posting or sharing pornography, sexual pictures or cartoons, sexually
    explicit graffiti, or other sexual images (including online)
  • Making sexual jokes
  • Bragging about sexual prowess.

 

Employers that do not take steps to prevent sexual harassment can face major costs in decreased productivity, low morale, increased absenteeism and health care costs, and potential legal expenses. Under the Ontario Human Rights Code, sexual harassment is “engaging in a course of vexatious comment or conduct that is known or ought to be known to be unwelcome.” In some cases, one incident could be serious enough to be sexual harassment. Both women and men may experience sexual harassment in employment, but women tend to be more vulnerable to it because they often hold lower paying, lower-authority and lower-status jobs compared to men. At the same time, even women in positions of authority may experience sexual harassment.

-http://www.ohrc.on.ca/en/sexual-harassment-employment-fact-sheet

 

What to do when being sexually harassed? 

Informal Options:

Ask them politely but firmly to stop and let them know that it’s making you uncomfortable/that what they say isn’t right.

  1. Make a report to within your firm about this person’s behaviour.
  2. Contact Equity Ombudsperson to get help and see what your options are.
  3. Consider mediation.Formal Options:
  1. Make a formal complaint to the Law Society.
  2. Make a human rights complaint and/or a civil action.

As a boss it is important to make sure that the work environment is harassment-free and making sure that your employees feel safe. For more information on the steps and laws on Sexual Harassment please feel free to check at the bottom of the page for the link.

Facts:

  • The last reported sexual harassment statistics in Canada showed that young women are the most likely to be sexually harassed with 10% of women 18 to 24 years of age having experienced sexual harassment in the workplace within the previous 12 months.
  • Single women are more likely to be sexually harassed than married women. The statistics show that single women between the ages of 25 to 45 experienced sexual harassment at the same rate as young women aged 18 to 24 years.
  • Of the reported cases of workplace sexual harassment 55% were perpetrated by co-workers. The percentage of sexual harassment cases involving a supervisor or manager was 39%. Sexual harassment by a client or customer was 13%.
  • 7% of male workers in the US reported being sexually harassed at work. (2008 telephone poll by Louis Harris and Associates)
  • 94% of workers who are treated uncivilly say they have attempted to get even with their tormentors. (Christine Pearson and Christine Porath)

-Ivybelle- Stay strong. Stay Beautiful. Stay you.

Sources:

Facts:

7 Statistics on Workplace Harassment

http://www.canadianlabourrelations.com/sexual-harassment-in-the-workplace.html

Laws in BC about sexual harassment:

http://www.worksafebc.com/contact_us/bid_opportunities/Assets/PDF/harassment_policy.pdf

Quote:

http://www.canadianlabourrelations.com/definition-of-sexual-harassment.html

 

 

Madison on Harassment

Like always here is the definition of Harassment off of Dictionary.com.

Harassment: To disturb persistently; torment, as with trouble or care; bother continually; pester; persecute.

Harassment can go many different ways from discrimination, prejudice, sexism, religious views, to sexual. There are a bunch of different ways I could talk about harassment and all of them lead people to trouble or even charges if you are the harasser. I believe if you’re going through any type of harassment you should speak up and tell someone because no one deserves to be treated that way. There is also a big difference between bugging/ annoyed by a friend, co-worker or stranger and being harassed by one. The biggest difference is if they stop when you ask them to stop, a respectable friend or co-worker nine times out of 10 would stop if you asked. But if it’s to the point where you getting physically or verbally abused and you are afraid to talk to them about it then you may need to talk to someone.

The most common place harassment is seen is in a work place setting, so today I’ll talk a little about workplace harassment. They first type of harassment we are going to talk about is verbal harassment. The most common example of that is using offensive language basted on the gender, like calling a female by the female dog’s name. Or talking down on someone like constantly calling them “stupid” or an “idiot”. In a work place that is highly frowned upon. I also wanted to show a few side effects I found of Verbal abuse/harassment in a work place:

  • Physical change in blood pressure.
  • Loss of desire to pursue once enjoyable activity.
  • Feeling of guilt because they are under the belief that they are causing the bad vide at work.

Another type of harassment is physical. All works places have some sort of rule against physical violence, so that staff can feel safe and you should when you are at work. So physical harassment is when a co-worker uses force against another worker that could or does cause injury. It can also link up with sexual harassment but I do not want to talk too much on that because we will be having a full separate blog on that coming soon. Marie and Lynn will have that out for you in a couple months, so defiantly come check that out when the time comes.

Make sure if you ever have any questions about any type of harassment all ways feel free to ask, or there is also a lot of good information on www2.worksafebc.com that is where I got the information for this blog from. Also a handy tip to keep yourself and your co-worker safe is to write thing down as soon and accrete as you can (time, date, witnesses, and situation in as much detail as you can).it will help cover your butt in the long run, it has for me working as a youth worker.

I have been in a situation were a lot of verbal harassment took place. It was not a fun place to work and I dreaded every shift. I worked there for 2.5 years before leaving, not including the year maternity leave.it accutully go worse after I got pregnant, staff started calling rude names that I will not say on here (but you can use your imagination, I was in fact a teen parent) and I got blamed for thing I could not help.  I was between 5 and 6 months pregnant  when I got a write up for taking to many pee breaks. I remember getting really frustrated at myself because I already had a weak blatter to begin with, but I paid the price for not speaking up for myself or tell anyone because I ended up with a really bad track infection from trying to hold everything in at work. I all so fell off of two ladders while I was pregnant, now that situation was weird cause my supervisor yelled at me till I got up the ladder then yelled at me again for falling off. It was a frustrating part of my life but I got through it. I ended up telling my head boss everything that was going on three weeks before I left that job, I ended up transferring somewhere closer to home. I was happier there I got along with everyone and I stayed there until I enrolled in college.

 

Leave  a comment down below if you have any question, comments. Leave a star if you liked it, I’d love to hear from you guys.

 

“You cannot feel Happiness without pain, you also can’t feel excitement without disappointment.”

~Madison