Madison Looking Through My Eyes

This blog not going to be the same as others, because it’s going to honestly be a little of everything. You will understand in a bit, I do want to warn you that this is going to be a bit touchy and sensitive to some people because I will be talking about an experience I’ve had. Our group did an activity a little while ago that triggered my depression and got this blog on my mind since and I know if I don’t get this out I may not be able to face them. I do not blame them it for triggering me don’t get me wrong there I love everyone in our group, but it’s the thought of feeling broken even though I try not to show it that bothers me the most. It also feels like I’m being untruthful to them not sharing what’s bugging me that also nags at me. So I wanted to get it all off my chest for everyone.Today I wanted to talk about what I’ve been thinking about lately, and it’s been constently in my head. I’ve also tried writing this multiple times in the past few weeks. I wanted to talk about little bits of my past, and how it brought me into the field of work I am in now. For those that don’t know I’m a youth worker and I work with at-risk youth that are homeless. It’s very rewarding job and I love it, I’ve been able to work with some very awesome people and some amazing youth. The most amazing this about my job is watching our youth succeed. I got into the field because I have been faced with homelessness at a young age, and I remember the fear of my next step. I went to a fundraiser last night with my work to open up a second house staging for youth that have aged out of care, and it was an amazing experience. We are hoping to open that up in the next couple years.
But what got me into this field was when I ran away from home when I was younger, I went to stay at a friend’s house. His parents had passed away a couple years before that, so his older brother was taking care of the house. I also had heard he was taking in other young girls on the street who were in similar situations as me. I remember being so happy being allowed to stay there, they had always been like brothers to me and I loved them. To this day I can still remember my first night at that house, as I was laying in my room the walls echoed with the screams of the other girls. The fear that pulsed through my veins when I went to try the door and it was locked from the outside. That night was one of the worst nights of my life, as this man who I saw as a big brother took advantage of me and I learnt that was the payment to staying at his house. As time went on and thing only got worse, I started feeling helpless and isolated. As well the more I fought back the more I got beaten down both verbally and physically.

So when I started working in this field my main goal was to never have another youth go through the same toutures I went through. I also got into this field to show the youth that they have support, someone who will help and listen to and that won’t throw them away after. My love for my work helps drives my passion to help the ones I need. Youth homelessness is something close to my heart and something I really feel strongly about. Growing up I was always told that the youth are our future, so why are we denying them the most basic needs and resources. That to me is one of the most frustrating things is trying to help a youth get towards a goal, then tell them that they are on a waiting list due to an overabundance of others trying to access the same resource. And that is because of the lack of the resources we have for our youth, I believe we need more and that is why our group was started. So that we can help make more resource for our community.

 

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Howie Defranco, Memories and Opening Scars 

Hey blog readers it’s Howie Defranco here and I want to talk about scars and memories a bit, we all have both those things. Let me state that again we all have memories and scars, which in a lot of ways are the most painful things there are. People say they fade or can be forgotten but they’re still there and they have no problem causing you pain when they are brought back up. Scars reopened are worse then most wounds. It’s sad that our own minds, can bring up such painful things, things we want to leave in the past and when we forget we tell ourselves we’re better but something, a song, a book, a name, a place, a day can just bring it all back on you. Partly because when remembering some things you don’t just remember them, you relive them like they were yesterday and scars associated with said memory are opened.  
    Oddly enough my trigger was a friend, I hadn’t seen since high school she’s been having a rough time lately and asked if she could talk to me about them saying she just remembered me as an understanding person and that I wouldn’t judge her. This was it the beginning of October when I was doing really well with everything I felt good about my life and myself, I thought I had moved on from things I’ve talked about before. During our conversation she started asking me things though about people I wanted to leave in my past, which I answered. She talked a lot about 2 people in particular I did not want to hear about quite a bit, who have been in my blogs before. I thought I was okay but I started to remember things, first the good, the memories of my happy moments with those people in my past. Those good memories slowly started to sting though to think about, which only lead to me remembering the bad.  
I cried that night after she went home, and it’s because I wasn’t just remembering it all I was reliving it all. The heartache, the betrayal, the loneliness, and I still am right now. These open scars have giving me many close to sleepless nights the last month, and I’m one of those people when I can’t sleep I roll around a million times and I don’t turn on my electronics. For all I want to do is sleep and it escapes me and the next day I’m tired and annoyed. Then this past week I broke down, I can’t help remembering it’s the last time I spoke to the first person I thought I was in love with, though it was unrequited I once considered it my greatest failure, more recently my greatest mistake. As well an event is coming up this next weekend I look forward to every year and I’m honestly scared I will see if not one every one of the people I want to leave in my past, knowing my luck I will and on the days I’m going to be alone at the event.
I haven’t really told anyone I let this all hit me so hard because I’m ashamed that memories are what the problem is. I know the people in my life aren’t the ones who made these memories and that the person those people hurt is a much better person and even back then I was not what they thought of me, I was not a loser, a bad friend, a weak person. I can’t help feeling scared though, scared that these people I love and care about in my life right now will see what the ones who hurt me did. That I’m not worth they’re time and their compassion and their respect.  
The mind betrays you to your memories for they can be cruel friends. Yes memories are our friends, in years late in life, moments when we’re alone, when we want to remember our best moments memories are our greatest friends. When they are corrupted by the scars we have received though they feel like our greatest enemies, our demons. Just because something can be forgotten does not mean it cannot be remembered again. It just takes a trigger to remind you of something painful and doesn’t help if you still are afraid of the past.

Ivy belle: Fear of relationships Pt.1

Fear of relationships

 

“It’s okay to be scared. Being scared means you’re about to do something really, really brave.” – Mandy Hale

Have you ever stopped yourself from being in a relationship because you’re too scared to get hurt or be in one? I have.

The last time I was in a relationship was when I was 19 and left him when I was 22. I was engaged to this guy and we lived together even though he put me through a lot. From cheating, to lying & even using me, I stayed with him because I thought that I was just being a bad girlfriend and I was overreacting. When you’re in a relationship with someone who blames you for everything and tells you it’s your fault- you start to believe it. That relationship was my first serious relationship and I think that’s why I kept forgiving him because I also thought that this is the only relationship I will ever have and that no one else will love me but him.

I remember being vulnerable, angry, anxiety, hurt and I felt betrayed 90% of our relationship. He would be with another woman but lie to me, and even if he wasn’t I got so paranoid that I couldn’t sleep at night until he would show up. When I would ask him where he’s been, he would get very defensive. I didn’t know at the time that lies could really destroy a person. I took him back at least 8 times but every time I told myself “ this time is it! Me and him are over for good.” However, I would always take him back even when I knew it was bad news. I stayed with him until I literally hated him. I couldn’t stand having him around anymore. I didn’t want to be intimate, I wanted him to go sleep over at his friends, I would get upset for no reason and I was angry all the time.

Instead of leaving him and saving myself the pain I stayed with him to the point that I hated him more than my dad. Later on, when we broke off the engagement and everything I told myself I wouldn’t get into another relationship but then my ex’s sister introduced me to someone else. He was a nice guy and with time I fell hard for him. He would always try to surprise me but little did I know, my ex knew him too and he didn’t like him- apparently he’s a “goof” whatever that means. My ex did everything in his power to make sure that we broke up. One say my ex called me and told me I had to chose to break up with my boyfriend or having no where to live. I remember being hurt, torn and I told him that I wasn’t going to break up with my boyfriend for him.

One night my ex called me really angry and told me we needed to talk face to face. When I showed up we got into a heated argument about my boyfriend and he kept asking me if I broke up with my boyfriend, I told him no. At this point it was 2 am and I was ready to walk out the door until he wouldn’t let me leave because it was late. Eventually I gave in and he told me we would watch a movie together until we fell asleep. At that moment I knew all this was wrong and I just wanted to sit in a corner and cry. When we were watching a moving my ex put his hands on me and I kept telling him no to take his hands off me. I thought he would of understood but next thing I know I was pinned to his bed and he forced me to have sex with him. I felt disgusted even though I kept telling him that this is a bad idea that we shouldn’t do this. It was too late. The next morning he left for work and I hurried to get all my stuff together to leave but his roommate told me that I shouldn’t of slept with him that I would hurt my ex’s feelings. I tried to explain to him that I tried to tell him no but he kept blaming me. When I got back to my ex sister’s place (where I lived) and I tried to avoided talking about the night before.

When I got home I was trying to get a hold of my boyfriend but I wasn’t able to get a hold of him. My ex’s sister confronted me about what happened last night because apparently my ex called her. I tried to explain the situation but she sided with him by saying that he didn’t point a gun to my head and I could of left at any point, I was hurt. I texted my ex telling him that that night wasn’t supposed to happened that he pressured me into sleeping with him but he said that I could of walked away. In that moment I was so confused if it was rape or if it was actual sex. My ex threatened to tell my boyfriend that I cheated on him and that I liked it and etc.. After 3 days I finally got a message from my boyfriend asking me what the hell happened and explained that he got a message from my ex and he was really mad. I explained that I didn’t want to sleep with him but he pressured me but my boyfriend only saw it as cheating not rape. At the moment, he broke up with me and I was devastated.

I didn’t really have anyone to talk to because I wasn’t on good terms with any of my friends and I didn’t want to have this talk with my mom. I had so many plans with my boyfriend: we were suppose to move in together, build a family and get married but that night of the break up he got back with his ex girlfriend and got engaged. Now he’s happily married and has 4 kids. Still today I miss him. I wish we could talk things through and be friends but I know that’s not possible. I keep telling myself that I might actually have had a good life right now and be happy.

After all the heartache I moved back to Quebec with my family to get my life back together. I told myself that I would be doing a job that I love, that I could heal my heart again, and take care of my family- but that wasn’t the case for most part. My ex-fiancé was always trying to get a hold of me-texting, snap chatting, Facebook, etc. I kept telling him to leave me alone but he wouldn’t. It took me a long time for me to be able to supress my anger and bitterness. I stayed single even though my friends and family tried to hook me up with people. I’ve had people ask me for one night stands but I’ve turned them all down because I don’t personally think that sleeping with someone while I’m healing will help me at all or just sleeping with someone for the pleasure of it.

To be continued….

Stay Strong. Stay Beautiful. Keep fighting -Ivybelle- Xx

 

 

Howie: Depression Part 2 (Electric Boogaloo)

Hey blog readers, it’s Howie Defranco here and today’s topic is depression specifically the second part of a blog I wrote last year. This blog has changed drastically from the idea had to write for this a month ago, for the better mind you as the part of depression we’re talking about is the after. If you’ve read my previous one you know I covered both causes and how it feels to be depressed and said that everyone goes through it differently and in different stretches of time. At some point though people need to stop being pulled down and need to stop feeling as though they’re drowning. Sadly that point comes to happen one way or the other, by taking their life or they’re life changing for the better.

You could take your life, you could it’s a quick easy end to your suffering and no one can blame you for doing it. However, you’re robbing the world of your life, your talent whatever it may be and whoever loves you of your love. Yes ladies and gents, your life matters because despite how it may be going right now it’s apart of the story it isn’t the whole story though. You thrived once, laughed once, felt joy, felt love, had hope, one of these things came into your life before and it may be staring you in the face right now. Looking to pull you out, or at the least give you ground to stand on. A person in your position doesn’t have to let it go, they might, or move on sure but if you can be reminded of the pain everyday and still feel good about yourself. You just have to look for that reason to smile. I mentioned that before to that taking it one day at a time was important and looking for your reason to keep going was too.

Once you find that though that bit of faith, you have to use it. Faith and hope and love are powerful emotions that can change you’re views for the better, I told you all in my last blog about that I thought I was starting to get better, I wasn’t I was just holding on to that piece of hope. I hadn’t changed anything in my life hadn’t fixed anything, still was doing things to forget the pain I didn’t want to be doing anymore. Then last month I took a leap of faith in myself, I applied for a new job at this point it was the biggest thing holding me back in my life. I stayed for a long time there because I was comfortable and I think that was a bad idea, I think it was just a reminder of everything that happened the last few years. Not to mention a constant stressor and that every day it chipped away at what little self esteem I had everyday.

So I took a leap of faith to change that get rid of it and I ended up proving to myself that I could do something like that. That I was strong enough to fix my life and pick up the pieces that people had left shattered. It all came from just finding one reason to go on everyday for I guess 5 years now it feels a lot longer.

However the purpose of this blog I need you whoever you are to understand. This is not someone saying hey look things work out, this not someone saying hey look at I fixed things. That is not the point and if that’s what I conveyed I owe you an apology. For the purpose was to say things come in time, pain doesn’t necessarily go away it gets pushed to the side. You can’t push it all at once though, it takes a bit every day. Every day you have to push it a millimetre, a centimetre, a metre, a kilometre away, until it’s far enough away. Far enough that you can remember and feel the pain without feeling the suffering.

Lynn On: Depression and Me

Here’s a little warning before you start getting into this. I’ll be writing on my experience with depression and how I manage. My way may not work for everyone and if it’s extreme enough for suicidal thoughts and tendencies, I suggest going to a medical and/or mental profressional instead.

So I’ve suffered from depression for a long time and still do to this day. I used to take antidepressants for it, almost every dosage doctors could legally give me, but nothing really worked. Nothing really made me “happy” or “stopped the sadness”. I realized later in life that that’s not what the pills are supposed to do anyway and even if they did, a lot of my depression came from my situation at the time so there was really no way of fixing that. Leaving the situation I was in did help, but it was more than that. I still have depression and it’s still affecting me, but I’m trying to figure out a way to manage.

When my depression hits hard, I feel…empty. Like I’m not supposed to exist. Like I should, and I’m going to get stupidly artsy here, melt into the night sky or sink into the sea. Something like that that leads to me vanishing and putting and end to something that’s gone on too long. It’s not a suicidal thought process I don’t think, just a very empty, lonely, and all around sad feeling. It may take a long time to push on sometimes like weeks or months, and I doubt the feeling will ever really go away, but I learned something that helps me feel better about it all.

It’s okay. It’s okay for me to be upset. It’s okay for me to feel down and out and tired of life in general. I know it’s a mental illness but I also know that there’s no real ‘end all’ cure. Like I said, it’ll probably be with me my whole life and in my case it’s not all consumming, so I think I can handle on my own for the most part.

It’s like a really pesky cat in my case. I should know, I own one. Sometimes it’ll do everything in it’s power to get my attention and most of the time I hand it over. I pet it and talk to it as it meows at me, but sorting it out tends to quite it down enough to take it’s attention off me a while. Other times, like now as I’m writing this for example, I have to push it aside to get this done. It’s tried to get my undivided attention, but I put on some chill music while I work. That seems to shut it up for a while and makes it like a cat sleeping on my lap or something akin to that.

After I’m finished this though, I’ll probably keep the music going while thinking on this whole thing on my own. Which is fine since I usually do that anyway, even when I’m out with friends or at meetings. Sometimes, I just need to stop and step away to sort it out. Again, it may take a while and I may not get it all done, but I’ll be good enough to make it the rest of the way. And I think that’s all I need at the end of the day.

Madison’s Struggle with Depression

I suffer from Depression, which is no news flash for anyone who knows me. I struggle every day with it, it is not something that will ever go away. I know that, and I’ve grown to accept it, so in a way I have it under control with just the acceptation. I’ll give you a definition on depression then I’ll get into a little more detail about what brought upon this topic.

Depression: a condition of general emotional dejection and withdrawal; sadness greater and more prolonged than that warranted by any objective reason.

I got this definition from Dictionary.com

I wanted to bring this topic to light because I have been struggling with my emotions lately, and it’s starting to drain me physically as well as emotionally. With people who have depression of any kind go through emotional detachment between them self and others or themselves and object/activity they enjoy. They may even withdraw from people or certain objects due to their emotional detachment. A big one for me is a loss in energy or motivation to do anything. There can be days where I don’t even have the motive to lay in bed, and all I want to do is disappear. Another one that I go through is feeling lost and alone even though I may have 2-200 people around me. Sometimes my emotions will get the best of me and I have thoughts. Thoughts about packing my stuff up and taking a trip no phone, not internet, nothing, and only telling family where I’m going and seeing how many people notice. Though that may be fun and relaxing that’s nothing more than a thought for two reasons. One: because I do not want to put my friends through that, two: I don’t want to know the answer. Depression can send your head through so many situations and put every day fears in you then times them by 10.

There are some pros that my depression has brought into my life. One of the pros in my depression are that I feel it has given me is empathy. I have a great sense of empathy for those around me, and with that it’s given me the strength to help and relate to others who are struggling, and the power to say you are not alone. The second pro is my friends, it’s given me a group of friends to relate to and confide in. And the biggest pro is me, I wouldn’t be me without my depression, nor would I be capable of being who I am at without going through the struggles I have.

What I am about to talk about is going to be a little touchy because it’s going to be of how I feel and act when I’m the middle of my depression, so I advise you to read with caution from here.

I go through what I call episodes where my depression affecting me the most  and then I have my highs which means I’m alright and then my lows where I’m not doing so well. My episodes only typically happen for a week maybe a week and a half at most before I reach out for help. Right now I’m sitting at my 12th week in a very bad low, my worst in a long time. This episode has taken over me emotionally, right now I feel like an empty shell with over bearing emotions that aren’t mine. Because of this it is causing paranoia, fear, desperation, OCD, and anger. I’ve been going through multiple anxiety attacks, yet I got it in my head that I cannot show it, because I’m afraid of being judged and it’s funny because the only one who would judge me is me. I was once told that we are our own worst critics. In many ways that is too true and I am afraid of letting myself down, I have been trying for so many years to prove to everyone around me that I am better then what I am now. I have pushed myself further than I ever thought possible, but not for the right reasons. I shouldn’t have had to prove I was better to anyone else but myself. My depression stems from a lot of my fears, my worries, my lack of self-worth, my lack of self-confidence, etc.… I don’t know how to correct it, but I have learn to live with the fact that I am better then what I think I am. People always tell me it will get better if you talk to someone, but what I don’t understand is how you are supposed to approach someone and go “hey I feel depressed today because I feel unimportant”. One if I say that to someone all there going to say back is that I am important to them, which is nice to hear don’t get me wrong but that not what I need to hear. But at the same time I don’t know what I want to hear. It’s funny cause I just said that my friends are a pro to my depression and in many ways they are, but sometimes I just feel that if I keep them in the dark I give them a better chances to let go of their emotions and help them deal with what their struggling with.

I have always been told I act older for my age when I’m having to deal with situations, yet every other time I act too young for my age and people always seem to wonder why. It’s simple that’s a wall I’ve had up since I was little, you can’t hurt someone who is already insulting themselves it takes the fun out of it. The same way how I always talk myself down, because no I’m not the smartest pea in the pod but you can’t talk me down when I’ve already said it myself. It is not a healthy way to live and I’m trying to break the habit just for the fact that I’m not a dumb women I can be smart if I tried but after being told that so many times it’s hard not to always believe that, but hey I’m still working on it and my boyfriend is calling me out on it. As well as a son that always tells me I’m beautiful, when I’m feeling down.

I apologize, I know it’s not really a blog it’s more just vomit of words and emotion, but to be honest I am feeling a bit better now that it is out. Feel free to leave any comment, concerns, questions anything I’d love to hear from you.

 

~Madison

Howie Defranco Talks Psychopaths

Hey blog readers, it’s me Howie Defranco and today our topic is Psychopaths. Now what is a psychopath well dictionary.com defines it as,
  “a person with a psychopathic personality, which manifests as amoral and antisocial behavior, lack of ability to love or establish meaningful personal relationships, extreme egocentricity, failure tolearn from experience, etc.”
Which is a very distinct definition from the derogatory term we use which is an insane, obsessive possibly violent person. Fairly different aren’t they, when you put it that way, well actually both ways you have an idea of both people in your head.
Person A: a not well adjusted member of society who seems to not want to be around other people, obsesses over themselves and can never learn.
Person B: Someone who is well frightening and unpredictable to you, examples would be a stalker or a psychotic person.
Which by the way is the proper term for person B not psychopath as a psychotic is the one who is dangerous. Psychopaths where as are more of an outsider to society than anything else, I know two in my life who have developed both in two very different ways.
One is a person who in high school was a very obsessive, methodical person, who acted like they had feeling for others. They made though every relationship about them, every plan about them and she did not give others a second thought usually. She acted and still does act like she’s the centre of the universe and she never learns no matter how many people leave her. As well she always believed everyone outside of a small group of people were always out to get her and that it was her against the world.
That’s one way a psychopath can turn out is a person who is stuck as one, I still hear about her every now and then and she hasn’t changed sadly, while my other example has.
In high school he was distant from everyone and more than anything concerned for himself over everyone else. He still doesn’t learn from his mistakes always having chose that his first idea is the best and to stubborn and self absorbed to listen to anyone else. Although nowadays he’s more open with people, he chooses to spend time with them, has a loving relationship and at heart is a good person. At the same time though he has a massive ego still that well is hard to bruise, unfortunately meaning he does not know much about bring humble.
If you identify as a psychopath, #1 don’t take it as an insult, it’s not and anyone who uses it as one is probably unaware of the difference. #2 try, just try every day, find a partner, make some friends, try thinking of others, or being humble. After all were just people

Howie Defranco on Insanity

Albert Einstein once defined insanity, as doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result, therefore sanity would be the opposite. Wouldn’t it? Sanity would be defined by one of the smartest people in our history as trying the same thing over and over again expecting the same result. It could also be doing something different every time expecting different results, which makes true sanity unobtainable. For despite all our differences and all our advancements, we are nothing more than creatures of habit, and we all at one point become complacent with insanity. It’s a weird thought but there’s no better way to talk about insanity then to state right off the bat that we’re all insane.
Hi I’m Howie Defranco and as you can tell I’m starting this blog a bit differently than my normal ones because we’re talking about insanity. There are two types of it in this world the first is above and we’re going to talk more about it and the other being less theoretical insanity more of the needs to talk to someone now before bad things happen. The second one of those is what you would use as a derogatory term for as my favourite definition goes “someone or something that doesn’t make sense to you.” It’s not necessarily crazy or outlandish it’s just not in your wheelhouse and it can lead to people being flamboyant or people turning out like well let’s say Joker (it’s an extreme example but entirely possible). The reason I combine the derogatory term with this definition is because those are the people you’d call insane most of the time.
People who have gained notary as insane like that really need help, whether it be therapy or just someone to talk to before things go bad and they need to open up to. After all insanity is just what can come of a mental disorder, depression, ptsd, schizophrenia to name just a few can lead to people becoming insane. I take you now to 1979 in San Diego where we have one of the most famous school shootings in the world. When a sixteen year old girl killed two people and injured eight more on a Monday morning, Brenda Spencer was tried as an adult for her actions and leading up to that she had been found to have trauma to her brain and it was suggested she had depression. During all of this though she was contacted as she hid in her own home by a reporter who asked her, why she was doing this. Her response was simply I don’t like Mondays. There have been plenty of shootings like this since and people like it need to be given help, so they can become members of society again.
Now let’s jump back to the theoretical insanity, you know the one that says we’re all insane. It’s true though we all are, just look at what we try to do every day. Reach our goals, whatever they may be most people continuously push through to reach a goal by doing the same thing over and over with no change to the results. How about just our interactions with people, most of the time no matter what result we want, we talk to them the same way we normally do and our disappointed when the result doesn’t change. You probably can think of more examples of these instances we are insane but you know what stinks to high heaven the fact there’s nothing we can do.
We’re going to be insane we’re gonna go out there and just try to change how we do things because there’s not much else we con do

Lynn Rascal’s Issues in Her Current Workplace

(plus touching on why mental illness is as important as physical illness)
So I work in the fast food industry and let me tell you, it is chaotic. Large orders, impatient customers, constantly restocking inventory. It’s a lot for me to handle. Luckily I don’t have to work alone often, but when I do and things get hectic, I can literally break down crying. I’m not entirely sure what the cause of it is, be it mental illness or just a weak spine, but I have a hunch it’s the former if not just a mix of both. Anyway, I’m going to explain what exactly happens when I “freak out” at work.

Most of the time it happens when I mess up an order or when something will take a while to be made or something like that. I start to panic, my breathing gets really shallow, and I start to make either whining like noises or sob sounds. Oftentimes, I start to feel like I’m drowning and gasp for air. If it gets worse, I will have actual tears start falling and lose almost all of my focus. The worst that’s happened so far is that I started outright crying, hyperventilating, and almost wound up on the floor (I did actually fall onto the floor once but that due to physical illness and I was promptly sent home). My coworker often has to step in for me when that happens and that just makes me feel even worse about the whole thing.

Now maybe I’m just not cut out for the food business, and trust me I’m looking for a new field like the dickens, but all this has got me thinking. If this doesn’t scream that mental illness should be treated just as importantly as physical illness, I don’t know what does. Like I said though, I might not be mentally ill and should really really really see a professional, but that just proves my point even more. Mentally, I might be right as rain! (though looking at my reactions in actual words I highly doubt it) But if I’m mentally fine, how would someone who was actually mentally ill be on a bad day?

Personally, I feel we should be able to call in when we really aren’t mentally capable of handling work that day. Hell, one of the effects of depression is not even having the physical/mental energy to get out of bed, let alone go into work and get stuff done. Sometimes the effects of mental illness are much more powerful and crippling than that of a physical one and it kinda makes me sad that not a lot of people get that. I wish more people could understand, but I get that it’s kinda hard to explain, let alone have someone wrap their head around. Maybe in the future things will be better…

Anyway, I’ve rambled on and I have to get a few other things done too. Heck I still have to pack my uniform for work tomorrow! Whoops… Again though, I’m still not entirely sure what my issue at work is and should see a professional most definitely, but like I said I work in fast food. I get paid practically peanuts, so that’s probably not happening anytime soon. I wish you all the best of luck in your life and I hope you all wish me the best in my work. Trust me guys, I need it…

Madison Talks Social Anxiety

Social Anxiety

What is social anxiety? I couldn’t find a definition on dictionary.com, so here’s one from https://socialanxietyinstitute.org/what-is-social-anxiety.

 

Social Anxiety: is the fear of interaction with other people that brings on self-consciousness, feelings of being negatively judged and evaluated, and, as a result, leads to avoidance.

 

I struggle with anxiety, but I have gone through social anxiety personally. I have watched my uncle struggle with social anxiety almost my whole life. For him I think it started when I was around ten, meaning that it at least started 12 years ago or earlier. My 2 uncles have always been some of my idols, and they know if they showed something is wrong it would break my heart. My uncle has been doing alright with it though, because my uncle know what works best for him. I’ll talk a little more about symptoms in a later paragraph and I’ll make sure to but links down below to where I got stuff so if any of you want to learn more you can.

First I wanted to talk about what exactly social anxiety is. Social anxiety is the fear of a social interaction with other people, but it also varies between people to person. Some people fear interactions individual people and have a trouble interacting with even one person, and there are some people can’t handle group situations or big gatherings. This fear stems from being scared of being judged and evaluated negatively by other people, leading to feelings of inadequacy, inferiority, embarrassment, humiliation, and depression. Did you know “Millions of people all over the world suffer from this devastating and traumatic condition every day, either from a specific social anxiety or from a more generalized social anxiety.”

Here are some examples of some situations that someone with social anxiety may go some distress in:

• Being introduced to other people

• Being teased or criticized

• Being the center of attention

• Being watched while doing something

• Meeting people in authority (“important people”)

• Most social encounters, especially with strangers

• Going around the room (or table) in a circle and having to say something

• Interpersonal relationships, whether friendships or romantic

Someone with social anxiety also can’t help feeling the distress when the situation hits and even with telling someone everything is ok there is a big difference in “knowing” and “feeling”

 

Some warning signs that someone maybe struggling with social Anxiety are:

• Avoidance of social situations

• Physical symptoms of anxiety,

o including confusion,

o pounding heart

o sweating

o shaking

o muscle tension

o upset stomach

o diarrhea

 

So that’s it for my blog today hoped you all enjoyed and at the bottom are the two sites I promised you guys. Those are the ones I got my info from, so feel free to check them out.

 

https://socialanxietyinstitute.org/what-is-social-anxiety

http://www.webmd.com/anxiety-panic/guide/mental-health-social-anxiety-disorder#1

 

 

“People always ask me, you have so much confidence. Where did that come from?’ it came from me. One day I decided that I was beautiful, and so I carried out my life if I was a beautiful girl… It doesn’t have anything to do with how the world perceive you. That matters is what you see. Your body id you temple, it’s your home, and you must decorate it.”

~Gabourey Sidibe

 

~Madison Taylor

Howie talks about Mental Health

Hey blog readers, it’s me Howie Defranco and today’s topic is mental health, which I find funny as it’s a funny concept to me. For is anyone in this world truly 100% without a doubt mentally healthy from the moment they’re born to the moment they die? I mean the standard for mental health would suggest you’d never be anything but mentally healthy. Maybe that’s just by my standard I don’t know but let’s go to a more specific aspect of mental health, the biological side of it all. I understand this is the point you might want to go to another blog at this point but it’s nice to look at the science-y aspect of life every now and then.
So let’s start with a visualizing type thing, close your eyes and imagine your brain, imagine it like a giant web around you. Now it probably looks like some kinda Internet web type structure with some pulses moving through it. Now imagine that it looks different then what your imagining just change one aspect just a little one, boom your mental state is affected and you are no longer technically mentally healthy. Which you know makes you human most people have had something affect their brain and make them mentally unhealthy but the second you imagined the brain that was different you worried a bit didn’t you.
You were worried about what it would look like and what it means, and if it’s your brain saying this is what’s different about yours. Wouldn’t that be kinda cool your brain itself shows you visually what’s different about you. Now it’s nothing to be anything about its just part of what makes you, who you are, and that’s ok whoever you are. “We all have a spark of madness in us we mustn’t waste it” Robin Williams a great man who battled depression and inspired millions said that. Anyways I guess I strayed a bit away from the science-y side, bottom line though about mental health is just remember it’s a part of you and no one is perfect in the head.

Madison Talking About Eating Disorders

When it comes to eating disorders it’s a hard thing to talk about. It’s very difficult to explain exactly how it feels to experience what it’s like  because it differs from person to person.  Although I will tell you this, I would not want to go back to the way I was back then. When I was 16 I was anorexic, I only ate food when I had to, I would freak out if I went over 110 pounds, and no one questioned it until I really started showing how much I actually had lost. I don’t think l was truly happy with myself, nor did l believe that anyone would like me if I gained any weight.

So today I’m going to go over different Stereotypes as well as the different types of eating disorders.

 

Stereotypes.

  1. Only types of eating disorder are anorexia or Bulimia:

Actually there is multiple different types, but I’ll be only talking about 7 today. The first one is a simple one I think everyone knows a little bit about so I won’t spend too much time on it.

Anorexia Nervosa: Characterized by the clients refusal or inability to maintain a normal body weight, intense fear of gaining weight or becoming fat, significantly disturbed perception of the shape or size of the body, and steadfast inability or refusal to acknowledge the existence or seriousness of the problem.

Bulimia Nervosa: recurrent episode of binge eating followed by inappropriate compensatory behaviors to avoid weight gain such as purging, fasting or excessively exercising.

Binge eating disorder: uncontrolled, excessive intake of any available food and often occurring following stressful events.

This is when someone over eats, without the vomiting. This is another very popular eating disorder but is not typically labeled as an eating disorder. Most people will binge eat after a bad break up or a difficult day at work, something stressful that can trigger it. Some won’t even notice their binge eating. This also happens when people are trying to gain weight but in an unhealthy way. Most people don’t realize that putting that much food in you all at once doesn’t sit well with your digestion, and it’s harder for your body to break down.

Avoidance/restrictive food intake disorder: this eating disorder is more like anorexia but instead of refusing food it’s more of fear. Most people will avoid the food they dislike, for them they have a fear of the texture or of vomiting.

Calorie counting: for this there is a healthy way and an extreme way to count your calories. The unhealthy way is to the point where you will not even go one thing over your limit and ignore any nutrition if it happens to go over. It can also lead to a lot of health issues and make you sick without the proper balance.

Pica: it’s most commonly found in children. This eating disorder is when you eat mainly nonfood items such as dirt or glue and you typically outgrow this eating disorder after a certain age. There are still some people who still struggle with this eating disorder past that point. Don’t get me wrong the stage in life that kids go through eating everything is perfectly normal but at the age of say 20 for example it is not normal to be eating dirt off the side of the road for dinner.

Last one I’m going to be talking about is nocturnal sleep related eating disorder: these are interesting because people who are fully asleep will still eat this also ties into sleep walking as well.  Having it happen on a regular bases can be considered a nocturnal sleep eating disorder. I’m not sure exactly how it works but it does happen.

These are only a few of the eating disorder that are out there if you want to check out more I got my info from dictionary.com and healthyplace.com/eating-disorders/eating-disorders-overview/type-of-eating-disorder-list-of-eating-disorder/ check it out they have a lot of good information on there about the different types, they will also give you better detail on the different topics I’ve talked about as well.

  1. People chose to have an eating disorder to get attention and can snap out of it if they want. 

It’s funny when you hear someone say that, especially when you’re someone who has been through it, because most people don’t even realize they are doing it till someone points it out. I know for a fact I didn’t and after someone pointed it out I honestly tried to hide it after that because I felt so ashamed of my actions and I didn’t know how to stop either. Something like an eating disorder can differ between people and some people can’t even control it without help, and a lot of the time there is no help to be found at that time.

  1. it’s a girl thing. 

It’s definitely not a girl thing. I would say probably 50/50 or 40/60 at minimum. Yes you hear about girls more often but males go through the same situation and same struggle we females do. It’s a normal teenage phase that almost everyone one goes through, because of the stigma the media put out there of what we should look like. I’m sorry but half the models now don’t even look like that, it’s all computerized and Photoshop. No one is perfect and no one should be, imagining the world perfect to me it would get boring because everyone is the same.

  1. Eating disorder are unrelated to other behavioral disorders. 

Actually they can be related to some, as I said earlier one of the eating disorder can be related to sleep walking. other behavioral disorders that related to eating disorder are depression and anxiety. Depression is a very common one because a side effect from depression is lack of appetite or over eating, and that can cause or start the eating disorder habits. That being said not everyone who has an eating disorder has depression and vice versa.

“You can’t feel happiness with out sadness, you also can’t feel excitement without disappointment.”

~Madison Taylor.

Howie on Eating Disorders

Hey blog readers, it’s Howie Defranco and today we will be discussing eating disorders. Let’s start by saying they all include serious disturbance of eating behaviours and weight regulation. There are 3 main types of eating disorders and those are anorexia, bulimia and binge eating disorder all of which are a hindrance on a persons health. Speaking psychological and physically these disorders are huge impacts to a person’s self esteem, confidence and health. In the same breath the eating disorders can be psychologically caused by those exact same things.

Anorexia is among the top psychiatric disorders relating to its mortality rate as it is a disease that makes you so obsessed with your weight you starve yourself. You start out small you don’t eat certain foods or you portion your meals and then it becomes an obsession. You constantly weigh yourself, carefully portion food and cut out certain foods that are helpful in a normal eating cycle.

Symptoms of anorexia include:
Extremely low body weight
Severe food restriction
Relentless pursuit of thinness and unwillingness to maintain a normal or healthy weight
Intense fear of gaining weight
Distorted body image and self-esteem that is heavily influenced by perceptions of body weight and shape, or a denial of the seriousness of low body weight
Lack of menstruation among girls and women.
Thinning of the bones (osteopenia or osteoporosis)
Brittle hair and nails
Dry and yellowish skin
Growth of fine hair all over the body (lanugo)
Mild anemia, muscle wasting, and weakness
Severe constipation
Low blood pressure, or slowed breathing and pulse
Damage to the structure and function of the heart
Brain damage
Multi-organ failure
Drop in internal body temperature, causing a person to feel cold all the time
Lethargy, sluggishness, or feeling tired all the time
Infertility.

Then there’s Bulimia which is a huge obsession over weight where you binge eat uncontrollably and then compensate for it. This compensation can be regurgitating your food, excessively fasting, exercising, taking some laxatives or a combination. Most people who are bulimic are unhappy with their body, but manage to maintain their weight by doing this. It’s incredibly unhealthy as the body is not built to process and expel food at that rate.

Symptoms of bulimia include:
Chronically inflamed and sore throat
Swollen salivary glands in the neck and jaw area
Worn tooth enamel, and increasingly sensitive and decaying teeth as a result of exposure to stomach acid
Acid reflux disorder and other gastrointestinal problems
Intestinal distress and irritation from laxative abuse
Severe dehydration from purging of fluids
Electrolyte imbalance—too low or too high levels of sodium, calcium, potassium, and other minerals that can lead to a heart attack or stroke.

Finally there is binge eating disorder which unlike the previous two does lead to obesity as it does not involve controlling your weight. It does still include the extreme unhappiness with your body, but includes feelings of guilt and shame for eating. It is the uncontrollable urge to eat and eat vast quantities to feel better, which is followed by the above feelings. Usually this disorder not only leads to obesity but also can lead to cardiovascular disease and of course higher blood pressure.

There’s not much I can say personally about this topic, except that you know what how you look like doesn’t define who you are and people no matter their size can be beautiful.

Bibliography
N.p., n.d. Web. <https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/eating-disorders-new-trifold/index.shtml&gt;.

Marie Talks: Anxiety -Calming Techniques

In this blog I will be touching on:

  1. Different Types of Anxiety Disorders
  2. Different Tricks To Help You Calm Down
  3. Grounding Techniques
  4. How To Help Your Friend Calm Down

Anxiety:
noun: a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome.
From a Psychiatry stand point: a nervous disorder characterized by a state of excessive uneasiness and apprehension, typically with compulsive behavior or panic attacks.

There are seven main types of anxiety disorders and they are:

    • Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD)
      • characterized by chronic, persistent anxiety without a specific cause.
      • This may be seen in a variety of ways:
        • Disaster Thinking
          they may convince themselves of worst case scenarios
        • Unyielding Thoughts
          may be unable to turn off minor worries, focusing on them and possibly obsessing over them.
    • Social Phobia
      • Experience profound anxiety at the thought of social interaction.
      • Often overly worried about being judged by others.
      • Avoid situations that may force them out of their social comfort zone.
      • Often overly concerned about how they’ll act in public.
      • May experience worst case scenario thinking towards social situations.
    • Panic Disorder
      • Had more than one panic attack in the past month.
      • Fear having more panic attacks.
      • Change who you are because of your panic attacks.
      • Panic attacks cause you distress regularly.
      • Panic attacks are not caused by any underlying health problems.
    • Agoraphobia
      • Fear of being out in the open or in public.
      • Fear of being in an area with no easy escape.
      • Fear of being in unfamiliar places.
      • Fear of leaving your home.
    • Phobias
      • Experience severe anxiety when faced with a stimulus (the thing that causes fear).
      • Experience severe anxiety when anticipating the possibility of facing the stimulus.
      • The fear is uncontrollable, to the point where it can escalate – possibly into an anxiety attack.
      • Alter life in some way to avoid the stimulus.
    • Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)
      • Reliving the trauma through memories, sensations, nightmares, flashbacks or more.
      • Experience anxiety, emotional numbness, or detachment.
      • Go out of the way to avoid situations that may relate to the event.
      • Are hyper-vigilant, often with an easy startle reflex, the inability to concentrate on tasks, or becoming easily irritable.
    • Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD)
      • You must have either obsessions or compulsions or both.
      • You may or may not realize that your obsessions and compulsions are excessive or unreasonable.
      • Obsessions and compulsions are significantly time-consuming and interfere with your daily routine and social or work functioning.

How do I deal with your anxiety when it gets too much?
I’ll be talking about the different tricks that may help you calm down, things that work for some people. I included just a few that I have found, and used.

Abdominal Breathing Technique
Step 1) place one hand on chest and your other hand on your belly
Step 2) Take a deep breath in through your nose making sure your diaphragm (belly) not your chest inflates.
Step 3) Repeat breaths eight time (or however long it takes to calm yourself down)

Progressive Relaxation
Step 1) Close your eyes
Step 2) Focus on tensing your toes and feet and inhaling for a count of five  then exhale through mouth and release the tension at the same time.
Step 3) Repeat step 2 for your knees, thighs, rear, stomach, chest, hands, arms, neck, face and eyes.

“Going Crazy”
If you are struggling with relaxation techniques due to your anxiety causing too much pent up energy, sometimes it can help to let out the energy and anxiety in a more unorthodox way. For this one you may want to be in a quiet and private place to avoid the worries about being embarrassed.
Step 1) Let everything out. Run in circles, flail your arms, throw a tantrum and scream.. The list is endless do anything that lets it out, this also includes: laughing hysterically, jumping on your bed and throwing your pillow.Whatever you wan to do, do it, let go of you sense of what is ridiculous.
Step 2) Do this until you feel as though you’ve let it all out. Then you keep going, do this until you have let go of so much pent up anxiety, stress and frustrations that you are left feeling drained and satisfied. Let it out for 5 to 10 minutes straight.

Other ways:

Grounding Techniques
For these make sure your eyes are open and lights are on, as these exercises are meant to bring you out of your fears/traumatic memories, etc. and back into the present.

5-4-3-2-1
Step 1) Think of 5 things you can see. (or say it out loud if it helps more)
Step 2) Think of 4 things you can hear.
Step 3) Think of 3 things you can touch, and physically touch them.
Step 4) Think of 2 things you can smell or like the smell of.
Step 5) Take 1 slow, deep breath. (Or as I have learnt prior, name 1 good thing about yourself)

Categories
Play the categories game with yourself. Choose a category (eg. types of dogs) and list any you can think of (eg. Rottweiler, Husky, Chihuahua, Yorkshire Terrier)

Safety Statement
‘My name is _________; I am safe right now. I am in the present, not the past.
I am located in _____________ the date is _____________.’

Take a Shower
Jump in a hot (as hot as you are comfortable with) shower, not because you’re dirty but to release the tension in your body and relax.

Find more here:

How Can I help my friend calm down if they’re feeling anxious?
While going to college we were taught a few tricks on how to calm someone down. I found one fairly helpful but can cause the anxiety to worsen for some. This is particularly helpful when someone is having difficulty focusing on one thought or one thing.

We learnt it as the 5-4-3-2-1 exercise however it may have other names.

As the person to help another through this it is important for you to speak in a calm, friendly, and quiet voice. As well as to focus solely on them and remember to ask them periodically through the exercise how they are feeling.

Step 1) Have them sit (preferably if possible), and ask them if they want to close their eyes, but if closing their eyes causes them more anxiety or don’t want to assure them keeping their eyes open is okay as well.
Step 2) Have them take a deep breathe.
Step 3) Ask them if they can tell you five things they can remember seeing around them. (eg. clock, chair, food or a person) Remember to validate what they are telling you, and to repeat what they have told you in a calm, friendly voice.
When they’ve told you five things tell them that they have done a good job.
Step 4) Ask them to tell you five things they can hear around them. (eg. clock, breathing, vehicles) Again don’t forget to repeat back and reassure them on what they are saying in a calm friendly voice. If they get stuck make a sound (cough, tap the ground, or humm etc.)
When they’re done again reassure them that they’re doing well.
Step 5) Ask them how they are feeling and how they feel about the exercise.
Step 6) Repeat steps 3 and 4 except instead of asking for five things ask for four. Then repeat the steps for three instead five. Then repeat step 5.
Step 7) Repeat steps 3 and 4 for two things they see and hear and then one.
Step 8) Ask them to open their eyes and ask how they are feeling.

I hope everyone can take something out of this, even if it’s not what you are looking for.

Love, Peace and Serenity Lovies,
Marie Olsson xx

 

Source:

IvyBelle Talks Depression

“Everybody feels these moments of sadness and moments of loss and sometimes I think everybody can relate to sitting alone and feeling like crap and a friend of yours comes up and starts like, you know, ‘come on, feel happy,’ and you don’t want that. Sometimes it’s alright to let yourself live in a moment and let yourself be upset about something and so that you can show yourself that regardless of how low you feel, you can always rise out of it, but not in that moment. And so the song ends with the lyric, ‘I believe we all fall down’ but I don’t say ‘but we get back up’. It’s just, sometimes you fall down and sometimes you feel low and that’s okay.”    – Andy Biersack
(in reference to the song Lost It All https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8IE6HfvtX5g )

Talking about my experience with depression is hard. Ive been staring at this blank page for hours not sure where to start or what to say. I can say that it’s not something that is easy to talk about. I can’t really explain how it all started or what triggered it, because I don’t really know myself. All I know is that I was never really happy. If I was, it would maybe be a day or an hour and then I would just hit rock bottom again. It wasn’t that I was ungrateful, it’s just that it seems like I didn’t know how to be happy. It wasn’t a familiar feeling. Still today I’m not really sure if I will find true happiness one day. If I’ll actually wake up in the morning be happy about my job, not fight with my mom, not just sit and just feel sad or always be angry. Some days I worry that I’m going to lose my job because every day I become more and more aggressive. This filter that I once had doesn’t exist anymore. I see my manager’s reaction to what I say sometimes and I can tell she’s not too happy about it. I know if I keep this up, I won’t have a job soon.

Happiness is hard for me to find.I’ll be somewhere with a friend or family, and yet in the back of my mind, I just miss someone, or just want to sit at home and not do anything. I’ll be sad about something that happened years ago or I’ll just get irritated. My mom would bug me a bit and I would snap back even though I know shes joking, I just can’t control myself. Every time I move I keep telling myself, this time I’ll be happy! This time, my depression will go away. But the next day, sadness and anger comes back.

I didn’t really think much about the fact that I have depression until I looked up the symptoms of depression.  Theres days that I hear my alarm go off and I just roll over and try to ignore it-  but unfortunately, I need to pay my bills, rent, food, etc…  motivation is something that I lack big time! It’s something I struggle with. Im passionate about a lot of things but it hard for me to reach my goals, it’s a constant battle with myself. There’s days I wake up and just start crying, not wanting to get up, tired of hurting, tired of struggling. When I looked up on google the symptoms of depression this is what I found:

What Are Symptoms of Depression?

According to the National Institute of Mental Health, symptoms of depression may include the following:

  • Difficulty concentrating, remembering details, and making decisions
  • Fatigue and decreased energy
  • Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, and/or helplessness
  • Feelings of hopelessness and/or pessimism
  • Insomnia, early-morning wakefulness, or excessive sleeping
  • Irritability, restlessness
  • Loss of interest in activities or hobbies once pleasurable, including sex ( Depending on person )
  • Overeating or appetite loss
  • Persistent aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems that do not ease even with treatment, etc…
  • Persistent sad, anxious, or “empty” feelings
  • Thoughts of suicide, suicide attempts

Source:   http://www.webmd.com/depression/guide/detecting-depression

When I read the symptoms it definitely helped me understand why I was/am being the way I was/am. Ive heard that you can take medication and I’ve tried it, but it didn’t really work for me. Ive had therapy, it made me feel better for that one hour. I told myself that one day ill be able to walk out of there with a smile and be “fixed”. Unfortunately, that wasn’t the case. Ive had therapy for 3 years and I don’t regret it. My therapist was great, taught me things about life, and made me understand things that I didn’t know before. Helped me be wiser. When I told people I was in therapy they would look at me like I’m crazy or like I’m mental. I had to tell my friends that I had therapy because I kept telling them that I had a doctor’s appointment every 2 weeks and they thought it was weird until I told them that I wasn’t actually going to see a doctor.

“Here is the tragedy: when you are the victim of depression, not only do you feel utterly helpless and abandoned by the world, you also know that very few people can understand, or even begin to believe, that life can be this painful.” – Giles Andreae

One of the feeling I hate is feeling helpless. You see a friend or family member hurting and you feel bad, you want to take their pain away but at the same time you feel awkward because you’re not sure what to do. That’s when the feeling of being helpless comes in. I can sit here and be someone’s therapist – give advice cause in that moment I’m not thinking about me, Im thinking about someone else’s issues. Sometimes I think that I’m not worth it. When I’m in a relationship I tell myself “why is he even with me? Im broken, I’m depressed and lost.” Even my friends, I wonder why they are even my friends. All I do is either talk about my problems or I shut them out. I feel like I shouldn’t be talking about my problems because I feel like I’m a burden or sometimes I feel like they will judge me even though they don’t. It can be really frustrating.

Some days I go without eating or I’ll over eat… but then when I look in the mirror I keep seeing that I’ve gained weight and I tell myself that I’m ugly. Some days I’ll get irritated about little things or everything and it just cuts my appetite. Food is not the only reason why I’ve gained weight, it’s also because of how stressed and depressed I’ve been. Every night I try to go for walks, try to just forget everything by listening to music when it’s late and quiet out. I don’t really do it to get in shape. I do it because I need to get away from everything.

Sleep is my only safe haven. It’s the only place where 80% of the time I can have dreams and be happy without anyone telling me what to do or judge me. A place where I don’t have to worry about work, people, money, my depression, thinking about self-harm, all that goes away and that’s why I like to sleep. I love to sleep. Most of the time I can sleep for more than 12 hours and yet I still want to sleep. Even though I like sleeping, sometimes I hate it. When nightmares come around it’s a painful time, I can’t wake up from it until it’s done. Whatever feeling I have, injury or etc., I feel the pain when I wake up. For example if I get stabbed in my nightmare, when I wake up I will feel the pain exactly where I got stabbed. Waking up is a relief at that point except for the pain. However, when I have dreams waking up is painful because it reminds me of that everything was just a dream. Sometimes the hardest thing is to wake up after a nightmare and feel like you’re also living a nightmare. Some days I can’t sleep or I don’t want to sleep. Too many things are on my mind or I’m scared of what the night holds for me. I’ll go to bed crying not sure why, just this heavy feeling in my chest.

“There are many who don’t wish to sleep for fear of nightmares. Sadly, there are many who don’t wish to wake for the same fear.”

― Richelle E. Goodrich, Dandelions: The Disappearance of Annabelle Fancher

Over the years, I lost interest in all the things I was passionate about. Still today even though I love music, acting and writing, I seem to have loss interest, motivation for. When I was a kid, that’s all I cared about. Told myself I would be in the showbiz but today I’m 24 and Im just working in a store full time and trying to finish college. Don’t get me wrong, it’s still something I want to do – sing, act, write, but I struggle with getting out of bed. I don’t sing, play piano, write poetry, or act anymore. For someone who struggles with depression it’s really hard. We often get told that we’re lazy, we don’t care enough, that we expect people to just hand it out to us and honestly, hearing that frustrates us.

I’d love to be able to say it gets better, but unfortunately it doesn’t happen for everyone.X Some people never truly get over depression. I, myself am still struggling with depression but it doesn’t mean you will never feel that moment of happiness. It doesn’t mean that no one will get over depression- some people overcome it and others keep fighting. Depression doesn’t make you crazy, worthless or unloved; it makes you resilient. If you need help or support, don’t be afraid to ask for it.

Stay strong. Stay you. Stay beautiful. Keep fighting.
Ivybelle – XOX –