Fear of relationships Pt.2

It’s been 3 years since then, I thought that by now I would have healed and I would be able to get in a relationship no problem. Unfortunately that isn’t the case. Today, I am 25, single, living on my own and still no relationship.

When I came back to Vancouver, my ex was the last one to know. My best friend and I would take pictures together, hang out and post it on social media but without the location. For a few weeks he didn’t catch on I was back. He asked me a couple times if they were old picture or if I was back and I would just ignore his messages. Eventually, I figured me and my ex needed to talk so I told him I’ve been back for weeks and he got really mad at me. I didn’t feel bad about it and I felt like I didn’t owe him anything. I didn’t have to tell him anything but I did it because I wanted to move on with my life by talking to him face to face.

When my best friend and I went to go talk to him, it made me realize that I really did make the right decision by leaving him. He was still acting like a little boy and being selfish. He didn’t see the mistakes he made and the hurtful things he has said. He believed that I was at fault. I knew at that moment I didn’t need him in my life.

A year past when I saw him next. We are working on being friends and I get to see my Nephew more often. Him giving me my space was the best thing he could do. I had to think about where I was going in my life and who was I going to be as a person- was I going to hold grudges for the rest of my life or was I going to live my life in happiness? I admit, I feel better now that I’m not holding a grudges. It doesn’t mean though that I have forgotten or forgiven what happened, it just means that I’m not going to hate him for the rest of my life.

Hating on my Ex-Fiancé and holding on to my other Ex was killing me inside. I was holding on to things that are never going to come back or be like it used to be. I had to learn to let go of someone I loved and someone I resented. I had to learn that everything happens for a reason and not everything will go my way. What happened in my past has made me stronger and wiser.

Honestly, I’m not sure how I will react if I ever see ex again. I know there’s still a part of me that breaks when I hear his name, when I hear about his family. I still wonder if he thinks of me, wonders what I’m doing with my life or even if I’m happy.

I still wonder “what if”. I still carry a picture of him with me. Sometimes I think I torture myself by doing so. I do wish him happiness. I wish him the best of luck and I hope his wife gives him everything he needs and wants. I hope he lives in a beautiful house and has a job he loves. However at the end of day, I miss him.

Another reason why I fear relationships… Many men and women have sexually abused me. All these people would blame me and makes me feel so tiny, like I was nothing! They would say that I’m fat, ugly and that I pretty much deserved it. How does someone trust anyone if everyone they trusted betrayed them? I cannot say that I trust people because I don’t entirely. However, one day i hope that i will be able to do so.

Blogs

It’s that time of year again, our last blog of 2016 is going to be posted on December 21st and we will resume posting blogs on January 11th 2017. However our weekly affirmations will not be affected by our break. 

– This Is Me Entirely 

Lynn on Why I am Leaving TIME

So as you’ve probably noticed at this point in time, I haven’t been as active in TIME posts. This is due to my life becoming more hectic and trying to get a grasp on it for both my sake and the sake of my family. This has gotten to the point however that I can no longer focus on TIME as a whole and still manage to keep my mind. Heck, even this was supposed to be done…at least a month ago now I think? Sorry about the delay on that. With all that in mind I’ve decided to leave TIME, but if you’ll allow me I’d like to explain exactly why I feel I have to.

As it stands now, my family is barely making it paycheck to paycheck. My older sister is buying food for the three of us all on her own and that eats up her entire paycheck on its own. I try to help out when I can, but my work hardly gives me enough shifts to make any kind of decent money and now I’ve gotten no shifts in about a month now. My older sister and I have been so busy looking for new jobs, we hardly have time to think. Our dad is paying our rent, but he’s also paying his own and his bills and our situation is even running him out of money, so we’re trying to be able to take that off his hands. My younger sister still doesn’t have a job and she’s turning nineteen soon, so I’m trying to help her in getting that all sorted, but with her lack of drive and everything else on our plate, it’s hard to do anything. With all this and more happening, I can hardly make time for TIME.

Long story short, capitalism sucks. I’m joking, but in all seriousness, I find that my sister carrying all three of us alone is simply unacceptable. This entire situation needs to change and it needs to change now. I need to buckle down and work harder here so I can help her, my younger sister, my dad, and myself. I’m sorry to have to leave like this, but I really think it’s for the best. I mean if I can’t even help the people in front of me, heck even myself, who can I honestly say I can help?

  • Lynn Rascal

Ivybelle’s Life Goals

Life Goals

You know, I had to think about these life goals for a while because I wasn’t sure myself what I wanted out of life. However, after a lot of thinking I figured it out.

Here are some of my life goals;

• Become a musician: I know this might sound like a weird life goal but it’s something that I’ve been wanting since I was a kid. It’s something that I have to work really hard on. I know a lot of kids want to be a rock star when they get older, but today I’m an adult and I still have that goal. I’m working on taking some singing classes, guitar classes and saving up enough money so I can focus on my big goal in life.

• Help TIME get bigger: I really do want this organization to get bigger. Down the road I would love to say that I help people in any way possible and be able to go around to schools, work areas and etc., and keep building awareness. I would love to build shelters and travel the word and see what I can do to help. There is so much I want to do with this organization and I know it’s going to take a lot of work, especially financially.

• Be Happy: Happiness is something that I’ve been struggling for years to find. I really hope that one day I can learn to manage my depression and anxiety better so that I can be happy. It’s hard to either be worried about everything or not care at all and always being sad or angry. I do hope that one day I can find peace with myself, manage better and be happy. It’s something that I have to work hard for everyday whether it’s talking to a friend/family, going for walks, focusing on music or focusing on TIME.

• Being more patient: Patience is something I really need to work on; whether it’s with others or myself. Often, I get very impatient when I can’t get something right the first time or just in general. I lose patience when I have to wait after someone or etc. I think with by learning to slow down and accepting that everyone learns differently, with time I will be able to be patient. Growing up with a mother, who wasn’t very patient either, did not help.

• Inspire people: Ever since I was a kid, I would turn on TV and watch programs about kids who are in need and it would break my heart. I always knew I wanted to help the ones in need, whether it’s with self-harm, addiction, poverty, being homeless, mental health, etc. I’ve always hoped that my life story could inspire people to get help or inspire someone to help someone they know. One day I would love for someone to tell me “ hey, you inspire me to be a better person” or “ what you are doing is so inspiring to me”. Maybe it’s selfish for me to say, but knowing that I am doing something right makes me want to work harder. It makes me feel good to know that I CAN help someone.
-Ivybelle-

Stay Strong. Stay Beautiful. Keep Fighting.

Howie Defranco’s Favourite Video Game

Hey blog readers, it’s me Howie  Defranco and today is fun day and the topic is our favourite video games. Well look mine is a hard choice, I could say Arkham city for its well told story, I could say GTA V for its online aspect, I could say Pokemon for my sheer dedication over the last however long. None of those, though because it has to be the game I’ve played most, and have comeback to many times over the years, Kingdom Hearts 2. The first kingdom hearts was awesome don’t get me wrong but the second one was where the game hit its stride. So much so that that people still clamour to buy all the spin off games waiting for a true sequel, 11 years later now.
The game was incredible, combining a great story, with Disney characters and great gameplay that just drew you in. It’s a story I’ve played through maybe 30-40 times since the first time I picked it up because I just want to play it again, especially the battle for Hollow Bastion level. It was the best part because there’s a point in it when your team leaves you and your stuck fighting a thousand heartless alone and it’s purely a brave heart moment. Then there’s the song, Sanctuary, still one of my favourites today every time I hear it I just drift back into a simpler time when I’d play games all day long.