Madison’s Struggle with Depression

I suffer from Depression, which is no news flash for anyone who knows me. I struggle every day with it, it is not something that will ever go away. I know that, and I’ve grown to accept it, so in a way I have it under control with just the acceptation. I’ll give you a definition on depression then I’ll get into a little more detail about what brought upon this topic.

Depression: a condition of general emotional dejection and withdrawal; sadness greater and more prolonged than that warranted by any objective reason.

I got this definition from Dictionary.com

I wanted to bring this topic to light because I have been struggling with my emotions lately, and it’s starting to drain me physically as well as emotionally. With people who have depression of any kind go through emotional detachment between them self and others or themselves and object/activity they enjoy. They may even withdraw from people or certain objects due to their emotional detachment. A big one for me is a loss in energy or motivation to do anything. There can be days where I don’t even have the motive to lay in bed, and all I want to do is disappear. Another one that I go through is feeling lost and alone even though I may have 2-200 people around me. Sometimes my emotions will get the best of me and I have thoughts. Thoughts about packing my stuff up and taking a trip no phone, not internet, nothing, and only telling family where I’m going and seeing how many people notice. Though that may be fun and relaxing that’s nothing more than a thought for two reasons. One: because I do not want to put my friends through that, two: I don’t want to know the answer. Depression can send your head through so many situations and put every day fears in you then times them by 10.

There are some pros that my depression has brought into my life. One of the pros in my depression are that I feel it has given me is empathy. I have a great sense of empathy for those around me, and with that it’s given me the strength to help and relate to others who are struggling, and the power to say you are not alone. The second pro is my friends, it’s given me a group of friends to relate to and confide in. And the biggest pro is me, I wouldn’t be me without my depression, nor would I be capable of being who I am at without going through the struggles I have.

What I am about to talk about is going to be a little touchy because it’s going to be of how I feel and act when I’m the middle of my depression, so I advise you to read with caution from here.

I go through what I call episodes where my depression affecting me the most  and then I have my highs which means I’m alright and then my lows where I’m not doing so well. My episodes only typically happen for a week maybe a week and a half at most before I reach out for help. Right now I’m sitting at my 12th week in a very bad low, my worst in a long time. This episode has taken over me emotionally, right now I feel like an empty shell with over bearing emotions that aren’t mine. Because of this it is causing paranoia, fear, desperation, OCD, and anger. I’ve been going through multiple anxiety attacks, yet I got it in my head that I cannot show it, because I’m afraid of being judged and it’s funny because the only one who would judge me is me. I was once told that we are our own worst critics. In many ways that is too true and I am afraid of letting myself down, I have been trying for so many years to prove to everyone around me that I am better then what I am now. I have pushed myself further than I ever thought possible, but not for the right reasons. I shouldn’t have had to prove I was better to anyone else but myself. My depression stems from a lot of my fears, my worries, my lack of self-worth, my lack of self-confidence, etc.… I don’t know how to correct it, but I have learn to live with the fact that I am better then what I think I am. People always tell me it will get better if you talk to someone, but what I don’t understand is how you are supposed to approach someone and go “hey I feel depressed today because I feel unimportant”. One if I say that to someone all there going to say back is that I am important to them, which is nice to hear don’t get me wrong but that not what I need to hear. But at the same time I don’t know what I want to hear. It’s funny cause I just said that my friends are a pro to my depression and in many ways they are, but sometimes I just feel that if I keep them in the dark I give them a better chances to let go of their emotions and help them deal with what their struggling with.

I have always been told I act older for my age when I’m having to deal with situations, yet every other time I act too young for my age and people always seem to wonder why. It’s simple that’s a wall I’ve had up since I was little, you can’t hurt someone who is already insulting themselves it takes the fun out of it. The same way how I always talk myself down, because no I’m not the smartest pea in the pod but you can’t talk me down when I’ve already said it myself. It is not a healthy way to live and I’m trying to break the habit just for the fact that I’m not a dumb women I can be smart if I tried but after being told that so many times it’s hard not to always believe that, but hey I’m still working on it and my boyfriend is calling me out on it. As well as a son that always tells me I’m beautiful, when I’m feeling down.

I apologize, I know it’s not really a blog it’s more just vomit of words and emotion, but to be honest I am feeling a bit better now that it is out. Feel free to leave any comment, concerns, questions anything I’d love to hear from you.

 

~Madison

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Brian View on Suicide

Suicide is a scary thought that no one should ever consider doing. Some of us I know if not most of us in the world go through a lot in our life and often times all we want to do is go somewhere far and just give up and end our life. Let me tell you something, I have been there many times in the past couple years and I cant even count the times I have attempted to end my life, at times I’m like why didn’t I kill myself when I had the perfect chase, why cant I just give up and go somewhere no one knows me or find me and kill myself, like why am I living, let me tell you something I wouldn’t be here right now if it wasn’t for the support of a couple friends holding me down and breaking me emotionally telling me how much life is going to get better soon. I should have been dead years ago when I held a gun to my head and couldn’t pull the trigger no matter how hard I tried to I just couldn’t do it, the one person that came to my mind when I closed my eyes was my baby niece, whenever I feel low I think of her and she just makes me feel better. Even though I can’t see her she is always close to me when I close my eyes.
I know how hard it is, where there’s days you just want to die and not live because you feel alone boys and girls whoever is reading this I want you to know, you are never ever going be alone in the world there is always going to be someone else in the world that is going through the same situation as you and that is ready to give up but I want you to know hang in there. No matter how hard life feels like its the end of the world its not, life is tough, life is rough, and often times we don’t know what to do, but there is so much you can do about it, when you feel like you want to end it all think of a love one and how hurt they would be if they found out you died? Think about the people that care and love you even when you deny that no one loves you, honestly you are loved and cared for its our intentions and negative thoughts that make us believe and think different. I know we all heard it before in life don’t be so negative and don’t be so upset, honestly its not a bad thing to be upset often times its good to be upset so you can release emotions and crying is good.
When you feel upset when you feel like the world is giving you hard times and feel like ending your life, think of someone you love dearly and talk to someone, talk to someone you can trust and tell them how your feeling, tell them that you want to give up be honest with them, I know I wouldn’t want anyone to go to that extreme, I know the struggle of suicide but remember there is someone else wanting to give up but don’t. The pain your battling, and your scars will change someone else’s life, I have my scars and I have my wounds but I’m still here surviving but what didn’t kill me in the past only made me stronger, I am a stronger and better person each day that goes by, each day I learn new things from people and talk to them about what I went through because I realized what I hid from everyone else only made things worse. Talk to someone about how you feel and don’t worry everyday is going to get better and better you are not alone.
this is Brian O’Connor stay beautiful

Howie Discusses Domestic Abuse

“There are four lights!”- Jean-Luc Picard

Hey blog readers, it’s me Howie Defranco, firstly I hope you all had a good Halloween, secondly today’s topic is about Domestic abuse.  I’m going to take a minute to discuss the quote at the top, it’s a quote about psychological torture and making someone do what they don’t really want to do (it’s also a really good Star Trek episode).  Anyways the reason why I bring that up is that domestic abuse is both a physical and psychological torture that a person has an incredibly difficult time getting away from.  Now wait a minute here someone might disagree and say domestic violence isn’t the same as torture.  Domestic violence is defined “as a pattern of behavior in any relationship that is used to gain or maintain power and control over an intimate partner. Abuse is physical, sexual, emotional, economic or psychological actions or threats of actions that influence another person.”  In comparison to torture, “action or practice of inflicting severe pain on someone as a punishment or to force them to do or say something, or for the pleasure of the person inflicting the pain.”
The two definitions are actually quite similar, when you think about it which brings us to the fact that it’s horrible.  Take a minute for a second can you even imagine, imagine the person, the person that supposedly loves you hitting you, punishing you, controlling you, disrespecting you.  Picking at every piece of your self esteem to the point were all you can do is cry, living in fear of anyone finding out, because of what the person would do back or worse to them.  Domestic abuse is one of the worst thing a person can commit in this world, because they truly are destroying a person who won’t give up on them. You are acting like a monster, if you are committing this because it’s something no one in this world could look at and see a reasonable reason for it.
An eye for an eye does not apply to this kind of situation, so if your doing it out of spite that’s just shameful, if they hurt you just leave them don’t be petty and become this.  If it’s because it’s how you were raised, it’s what you saw when you were growing up, it comes in anyway from your upbringing then stop it right now, you have no right to be doing and neither did whoever taught you.  For the men that do this specifically think about your mothers when you are hurting the one you love, what would the women who brought you into this world think, without women we would not be here.  In the same vein girls, think about your fathers, who wanted you to be strong, what would they think if you were destroying another person.  Domestic abuse is one of the things in this world that shouldn’t exist at all.  If you’ve experienced it, or are experiencing it don’t stay quiet find a way to get it out, to expose the monster they are to the world.
Bibliography
www.icadvinc.org/what-is-domesticviolence

Howie’s take on Healthy relationships mixed with unhealthy relationships

Hey blog readers it’s me Howie Defranco and this week’s topic is healthy relationships.   A healthy relationship is a mutually beneficial bond between to people based on mutual trust, mutual compromise and mutual interests.  In this day and age finding something like that is getting harder and harder, just look at the topics we’ve wrote about so far here that are about relations between people.  I mean the relationship, whether it be friendship, family or a love relation can turn bitter sweet, or even sour before you even know what caused it to turn.  I’m going to talk today about the very healthy relationships I have in my life in contrast to the unhealthy ones I’ve had.

Let’s start off actually with sour and bitter sweet relationships, these come from a few different things, broken trust, heart ache, jealousy, unbalanced feelings and power struggle being the chief among them.
Broken trust is one that has haunted me quite a bit, it’s pulled me to the point where I went from being someone who trusted people until they did something wrong to someone who holds back more.  There’s a lot that doesn’t go outside my inner circle that used to be public I didn’t care how much people knew about me because it was my life, why hide it?  If you’ve read my depression blog you know I had a friend blow a secret I kept for basically a year and a half to the one person I was keeping it from.  I’d say though the real kicker came about a year ago though, I did something I shouldn’t have… It is the one thing I refuse to share on this blog.  To this day I regret getting involved in it and falling back on it for almost a year at my lowest points.  I told a few people, just a few about it and of course next thing I know everyone knows.  I told them to keep it secret but no, now I don’t mind that a few people know they know everything about my life but it pains me that some people, people that treat me differently because of it know.
There’s not much more I can say on heartache I haven’t said in a previous blog, it poisons a relationship.  It can cause turmoil, feelings of doubt, and can turn you into someone you don’t like.  So let’s move on to jealousy, when a person is jealous it can cause them to do things that cause the relationship to become unhealthy.  These include but are not limited to, insults, belittling you, talking about you behind your back.  The people in your life that turn out this way are what should be called two faced and unlike the batman villain you don’t see the other side till its to late.
Which brings us to unbalanced feelings, the person on one side cares way more than the person on the other side.  I guess this category is pretty fitting for me, as I always seem to be the one that cares more.  It almost always ends up hurting me, once again I refer to my depression blog but beyond that.  Let’s start with the fact I’ve been friend zoned by almost every other girl I’ve ever liked beside Sarah.  I can list them all in fake names just for fun here, Monica, Erica, Rita, Tina, Sandra, Mary, Jessica (please someone get the reference haha).  Anyways it never ends well there’s a point yes we’re gets a bit better but there is that part of you that is always hurt the other person didn’t care as much as you.
Finally power struggle, this is where a person becomes that micro managing, controlling person we all know and love.  I’m talking more so about the ones that it’s there way, no highway option, then just a person who is the leader of the friendship.  Basically the person who decides everything, overshadows you, bosses you around and generally makes you feel small.  I used to have a friend like that, we’ll call her Amy, like amazing Amy from Gone Girl.  She basically controlled everything we did everything our group of friends did and got really upset when it wasn’t her way.  So much so that when I finally just decided I was done with her she went behind my back and made some people I considered good friends stop spending time with me.  Told them I wasn’t a good person and to stop hanging out with me, more than one person told me what she said.  When I was friends with her though it felt like she always came first like I wasn’t as important as her.  I’m a big guy and she’s the only person in this world that made me feel like I was Jiminy Cricket sized.
Let’s move on though and talk about what a healthy relationship looks like to describe it I’m going to talk about Raph, Leo, Karai, Mikey, Paris, Marie and Madison.  Raph and Madison, are to very good friends of mine that I don’t get to see that much anymore.  Well more since I joined time, I’ve helped them out of a couple jams and there always a phone call away if I need them despite the fact there always busy, then again so am I.  Leo and Karai, first they just got married so happy for them, they live a few blocks from me and I see them probably once a week.  They’re always there when I need them too and I’ve been there for them through some of there toughest times, were planning on moving out all together somewhere.  In reference to Raph and Leo, I’ve given both a lot and they’ve paid me back in spades with their friendships for what I have done.  Then there’s Mikey, now Mikey and I have drifted apart over the years and have only recently become close again but he’s probably the most understanding friend there is, and he always has my back and vice versa.  Paris, oddly enough is a bond that was strengthened by unbalanced, her and I became closer because she knows how I feel about her.  Which is kinda cool, she’s pretty awesome and never judges me for anything.  Finally there’s Marie who with Madison invited me to be a part of this very organization, by doing so she’s given me something to do that’s helping me feel better about me and in return, I’m doing my best.
I love my friends through the good and the bad because at the end of the day we just make each other laugh and forget our worries, there are more I could of listed here but hey maybe they’ll be in another blog.  I leave you with a final thought, what’s the point of a relationship if both people don’t feel good about themselves because of it.

Sexual Abuse Myths #2

Welcome to the Third Installment of the Five part collaboration on Sexual abuse, thank you for the read. This Week we’re trying something new, as we were struggling with this topic on our own. Four of us have teamed up to answer some questions and dispel some myths. This team up is coming to you in five installments:

Monday Was of myths

Tuesday was answering questions

Today is more baffling myths

Thursday was even more mind boggling myths

Finally Friday we have a ‘What if..’ question that we are going to answer.

Enjoy!

A rapist is a stranger.

Marie: No, the rapist is not always a stranger. Personally I have been raped by 6 different men, only one of those six men was a stranger to me. Of the others 2 were friends and 3 were boyfriends. This isn’t even taking into account just sexual abuse that did not end in sex, but I think rape alone painted a good enough picture. This idea that you don’t know your rapist is not always true, many times you know your assailant well. It is very likely that your rapist be someone you trust.  Realistically 80% of assailants are friends and family of the victim making it a lot more likely that you are more likely to be assaulted when you feel safe then walking home alone.

Ivybelle: No, a rapist can be anyone: family, friend, boyfriend, ex, stranger, co-worker, etc… I personally know this because I was abused by family members, an ex-boyfriend, school mates and friends. A lot of people who go through abuse, rape is by someone you know and it makes it a lot harder to admit.

Madison: No, it’s not always the case. In cases when a child is the one being sexual assaulted it is typically coming from someone they already trust. In the case of a stanger taking sexually assaulting someone that has already been stalking them a while or they were an object of opportunity.

Lynn: Not always. Rapists can be strangers, but they can also acquaintances or friends or even family. Personally, I really trusted my sexual abuser until I found out what it was he was doing to me, seeing as it was my mom’s boyfriend at the time.

 

They didn’t struggle so they were not raped.

Marie: Personally I have fought back; but I only fought back the first few times or if it was a new assailant. I learnt pretty quickly that it hurt less and was over faster if I didn’t struggle or put my all into it. Overpowering my assailant was a fight I could not win, I was left drained and hurt but that did not stop me from being raped. That’s not to say that trying to stop your attacker from sexually assaulting you is useless or will not make a difference and I am not saying you should not try. All I am saying is that I knew my struggling was futile and I gave up, but that does not mean I consented. I was much younger and much weaker then all my rapists, leaving me at a disadvantage. But just because I did not give it my all to fight back does not mean I consented and was not raped.

Ivybelle:  That’s not true. Not everyone reacts the same way in the moment. Some people are too scared to do anything, some people are in shock mode, some people already have their trauma’s and they don’t just don’t want to fight it cause they know there’s no point. I can say that I’ve been sexually abused and raped but I’ve never actually fought to make it stop. I remember being scared and telling myself that if I tried anything I would probably get hurt.  When fear takes over you never know what’s going to happen. You cannot blame a victim for not defending themselves.

Madison: In my past I was sexually assaulted by the same guy for almost a year. After a certain point I couldn’t fight anymore. That is still considered rape, I was half the guy’s age and I did not consent to any sexual activity but after a certain point I couldn’t fight any longer. When it comes to rape it doesn’t matter if the female fight back or not, there was no consent. Your brain goes into the 3 f’s mode (Fight Flight or Freeze), if a person doesn’t fight back it could either they froze in fear or in a state of shock. If your judging someone on how much they fight back, that could be more harmful to their mental and emotional state the not giving any support.

There are always visible injuries when someone is sexually assaulted.

Marie: Just because there are no marks left on a victim’s body does not mean it did not happen. Just because you cannot see an injury doesn’t mean it’s not there; they could have hidden it or could be somewhere no one else should see. The trauma of sexual assault can scar you mentally, and that’s more than enough.

Ivybelle: No. Not everyone has marks left behind. It depends on the force of the rapist/abuser.

Madison: Not all sexual assault is rape. It can be anything, sexual assault can be; Groping, kissing, touching inappropriately, rape, it’s can be anything that would make you feel violated. It comes to a point where if that person crosses your boundaries willing or after you have clearly stated you are unwilling then that is clearly sexual assault.

You can identify a rapist by just looking at them – and they are usually from a particular race, or from a disadvantaged background.

Marie: yeah, sure, that makes complete sense… I mean just looking at my assailants you could clearly tell they were. I mean a couple white guys, an Asian and a Hispanic, how did I not see the pattern. Majority of my assailants came from a relatively advantaged background and most seemed like perfectly sweet gentlemen until you really got to know them. The only way to know someone is a rapist is from being told or experiencing it.

Ivybelle: The rapist can be anyone. Sometimes it can be a friend, family member but sometimes it can be a complete stranger. When it happens in the street or anywhere, you can’t always identify the rapist.  There’s no specific race or background that makes someone an abuser. The rapist can be white, black, Asian or any race.

Madison: If you are walking down the street I wouldn’t be able to honestly tell if someone has sexually assaulted someone or not. I believe there is no particular race or background that sexually assault someone, it honestly can be anyone. You may be able to tell if there is something off by their behavior, not by the way they look. If we start judging people by the way they look are jails will be ten time more crowded with innocent people. Let’s stop judging people by their ethnicity and cultural background and start looking at people with their own personality, because every person is their own person.

Lynn: Not at all. There is no “poster child” for rapists. Rapists come in all different shapes, sizes, races, and genders. Anyone could be a rapist.

 

Unless she is physically harmed, a sexual assault victim will not suffer any long-term effects.

Marie: Sometimes the most harmful events are the ones that don’t (always) leave physical scars. PTSD is a very real problem, and it can be an issue for sexual assault survivours. I personally have a hard time being intimate with another person in fear that if I say no they’ll ignore it or force me.

Ivybelle: No matter what way you were harmed; physically, mentally, or emotionally, you may suffer in the long term.  When you are being sexually abused it takes a big toll on you emotionally and verbally. You could spend most of your life looking over your shoulder, not being able to trust others. You may feel worthless and disgusting. When it comes to relationships you could have a hard time giving everything you have because you’re scared of what they can do to you or you may have problems expressing yourself. You may have trouble focusing in school or at work. Sexual assault trauma isn’t something that just goes away. Your life may change after that.

 

Rape is a sexual act that is taken too far.

Marie: Rape is rape. Rape is assault; it is violence. Rape is not a sexual act nor is it is not a sexual act gone too far. Rape is a physical assault violating someone’s body.  It is something to not be down played, justified or made excuses for; it is a vile act of ignoring a person’s wishes to not perform a sexual act upon them. Without consent a sexual act is not sexual, it is rape.

Madison: At what point is it too far? The moment the person says no or when the person is screaming in pain. For me as soon as a person says no and the other person continues then that is already going too far.

If a woman has had many sexual partners then she cannot be sexually assaulted.

Marie: Without consent a sexual act is sexual assault or rape, regardless of how many or few sexual partners the person has had.

Ivybelle: Sexual assault has nothing to do with how many partners you’ve had.  When’s there’s no consent, it is rape. Even if you are in a relationship it’s possible to be sexually abused.

Madison: It should not matter how many sexual partner she may have, it’s about having her rights stripped from her. What is the different is a female has 2-30 partners. The point is that no matter what no one deserves to be sexually assaulted

 

 

We’d love to hear your opinion on this what if question and if to you there is still consent.

“Q: What if someone verbally consented to a sexual act, whether it was kissing, taking their shirt off, or having sex, but later, when they were in bed and making out, felt unsure and only said yes because the other person was pressuring them? Would you still consider that consent?”

We’ll be sharing our opinions on this on Friday!

Thank you for reading!

Looking forward to seeing you all tomorrow for more. Don’t be afraid to leave a comment leaving your opinion on any of these myths, our responses or any questions you may have. If you can think of a myth you’ve heard and haven’t seen here please don’t be shy and leave it in the comments.

Until tomorrow,

Marie Olsson, Madison Taylor, Ivybelle Teller, and Lynn Rascal

 

Source:

“Sexual Assault Statistics in Canada.” N.p., n.d. Web. <http://www.sexassault.ca/statistics.htm&gt;.

Marie Olsson on Grieving a Loved One (In honour of her Granddad)

Personally I am struggling even trying to write this blog for you; as I am still struggling with accepting the loss of my loved ones. However I am going to do my best to give you guys something, even if it is short. For that I apologise. Without further ado here is my blog on grieving a loved on.

—-

  “There are as many sorrows as there are people who feel them and there are no rules…

It is solitary… Grief is such a lonely thing. There is no-one in it with you – others may grieve for the same soul, but they do not grieve exactly for what you also grieve. No-one has lost precisely what you have lost. Not exactly, never exactly. We are in it alone…

 Oh it is wild and it is lonely. It is as if you’ve woken to a world that you recognise but it has been tilted, somehow – coated, or rubbed down, or made colder or less bright. It echoes where it should not echo; where it should echo, it is as echoless as a single, muffled thud. And grief is not merely sadness, as if sadness alone was not enough to bear. I had imagined the sorrow to be as deep as a well, a howling grief, but I had not imagined the other feelings that have no right to be there, which seem wholly misplaced in a state of grieving – rage, impatience, self-pity, disgust. They come from the dark and rush in upon you…”

― Susan Fletcher, The Silver Dark Sea

No one does things the same way another person does, no one feels the same way either. For some people moving forward is easier and for others it feels a lot harder. Everyone takes different amounts of time to move through the steps of grieving and encounters them in a different order; but everyone who has ever lost someone has been through them, and could still be going through it.  However I feel as though you’ll have seen all about the stages of grieving in at least one other blog so I will not be covering that.

As I am currently writing this it is five days before the fourth anniversary of my grandfather’s passing, and as the date (Saturday, Sept. 26) grows closer I am realising that I really am not done grieving. I’ve yet to accept he is really gone, that I will never hear his voice on the other end of the line, or be able to give him a hug.  For months after he passed I would still call my grandparents’ house hoping to hear his voice, asking me how I’ve been, yet I was met with a short clipped message of him apologising for not reaching the phone. I tried again and again, not ready to come to terms that he wouldn’t one day pick the phone up and we’d talk and laugh together. Eventually the number was disconnected and that’s when I started to really feel the loss. When reality hit me I didn’t break out sobbing or lock myself in my room for days, although I would have much preferred that, instead I felt numb… absolutely numb.  I continued on with life as I had been prior, I was just void of any and all emotions.

For months after the loss of my granddad I tried to fill the void in my heart and find some emotions by drinking every weekend. I found comfort in the alcohol induced emotions, figuring that even a ‘fake’ emotion was better than the nothingness I was feeling.  However that did not get me anywhere, when I would sober up I was back to feeling nothing, it did not help me move forward.

“You can’t truly heal from a loss until you allow yourself to really FEEL the loss.”

Mandy Hale, The Single Woman: Life, Love, and a Dash of Sass

I didn’t realise by feeling numb it wasn’t really helping me and the worst hadn’t even started yet. I had thought feeling numb had been a good step towards healing. However when the numbness faded I was not prepared for the tidal wave of emotions which rushed over me. I was a mess, I was crying, I wanted to curl up in a ball and rock back and forth, but I expected that. What I wasn’t expecting the short temper, exhaustion or codependency that came along with it.

“The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not ‘get over’ the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same nor would you want to.”

― Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

I have come a long way in my process of grieving for my granddad, but I still have a long road ahead of me. I don’t think the hurt will ever go away but I’m closer to fully accepting that he’s not with me anymore. I’ll love him forever and always, and he’ll always be alive and well in my heart, and that’s good enough for me.

“But in all of the sadness, when you’re feeling that your heart is empty, and lacking,

You’ve got to remember that grief isn’t the absence of love.

Grief is the proof that love is still there.”

― Tessa Shaffer, Heaven Has No Regrets

 In Loving Memory of my Grandad,

Marie Olsson xoxo

Ivybelle take on grieving a love one

“The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not ‘get over’ the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same nor would you want to.” ― Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

Everyone loses someone at some point and everyone grieves at some point. We’re often told to get over it or that eventually we will but it’s not that easy.  As for those who are suffering, grieving takes time. We need to go through all the stages of grieving; SHOCK & DENIAL, PAIN & GUILT, ANGER & BARGAINING, “DEPRESSION”, REFLECTION, LONELINESS, THE UPWARD TURN, RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH, ACCEPTANCE & HOPE. I’m not saying that everyone deals with it the same way everyone has a different way to cope.

I could give you a list of all the people my mom and I have lost, but it would never end. It’s really hard to see my mom grieving for that list. She tends to shut me out, sometimes she’ll lock herself in her room and cry.  Although she tries to hide it, I can hear it and it hurts me because I cant make her feel any better, I can’t bring back a loved one. I think I get that from my mom, I try to shut everyone out and cry myself to sleep.

It usually takes me a while before it hits me that I’ve lost someone. Sometimes it can take days, sometimes it takes weeks but when it sinks the pain kicks in. I feel like my lungs are giving out on me, my head starts spinning and my throat hurts from trying not to cry. Sometimes, I feel like I’m going to be sick. I’ve lost a lot of people especially family. My family is getting smaller and somehow my family is becoming more distant with one another, it hurts to see that.

When I lost my Great Grand Mother, my whole family fell apart. I moved out here to BC to live with my mom and a year after that is when she passed away. I got the news from my mom when she received it in an email from her brother. At first she thought it was a misunderstanding but then she realized that it wasn’t. She tried so hard not to cry, but for me it hadn’t sunk in yet. She broke down crying in front of her computer and I didn’t know how to react or what to do. When she calmed down she told me that she felt guilty. She felt guilty because she promised her that she would go visit her before she left us, and unfortunately she couldn’t afford to go see her. She felt that she failed as a grand daughter. That’s when it hit me… She’s gone…

I tried telling my mom that it’s not her fault, that there’s nothing she could have done. That life throws us curve balls and we try to make the best of it. We found out a month later when her funeral was, but my mom still couldn’t afford to go back east to attend. She cried for hours and told me “ I didn’t even get the chance to say goodbye. I should’ve started saving money years ago.”  My great grand mother was like a mom to my mother. She took care of her growing up when her mom was too busy working.

My mom went through all of the stages of grieving before accepting that her grandma is in a better place. Today she still hurts a bit, but she accepts it. Me on the other hand, took a bit longer to accept it. I knew for a couple years before her passing she wasn’t going to be around much longer. She was getting thinner and she was barely eating. I cried a lot before her passing because I knew I wasn’t going to have her around much longer. When she did pass away, in that moment it was unexpected. She was the one to make sure the family was close and taught us what we know today. She taught us the importance of family values.  It wasn’t until last year that I finally learned to let go.

If I had the chance to talk to her again I would ask her if she’s happy. Tell her that I miss her, that I think about her all the time and that I love her. That my mom wants her to know that she’s sorry for not being there for her. I wish I could tell her how much my life has changed and I’m doing things that I love. I would ask her for life advice and tell her we’re okay.  Grieving is a long process, but it takes time to heal. There’s no time or magical way of making it all go away. Take time to heal and don’t be afraid to ask for help. Remember that it’s not your fault and tell yourself that now, they are in a happier place and they are looking over you.
Breathe. You’ll be okay.

Stay strong, Stay beautiful, Stay you.
-Ivybelle- xox

Madison’s Grieving a Love One.

Defintion of Grief: Keen mental suffering or distress over affliction or loss; sharp sorrow; painful regret.

When it comes to grief there are 7 stages. Not everyone goes through them in the same order, also stages can last longer for diffrenet people. Not one grieving is the same. I also believe that there is not time limit to grieving.

Stages of Grief.

  1. Shock & Denial.

In this stage typicaly come right after the anishal event happens. Your body and mind uses this time as a defence to shield you from the pain that you can’t quite understand yet.

2. Pain & Guilt.

When this stage comes it can hit everyone diffrently. For me my mind started to go through all the “what ifs?”, and “I should have’s”. I started dewlling on the past and I was unable to look forward. 

3. Anger & Bargaining

This is where your mind grabs on to the one emotion it can understand, because it’s alot easier to be angry at something then feel the loss sometime. This is also the stage where you will try anything to get that person back and start trying to feel alive again.

4. “Depression”, Reflection & Loneliness.

This stage is when you start feeling the effects of the loss. You start missing there presants, but it’s also the time you start to reflect on all the good memorys you once had with that person.

5. Upwards turn.

This point your starting to straighten out, and pick all the pieces you had dropped. This is also the time where you get control of your emotions again. you will also start thinking clearly and more positive again. 

6. Reconstuction & working through.

This is where we start working through anything that need to be delt with such as: work, school, funneral perperation, other family, ect… This is also the start of where you rebuild your self, by lying everything on the table and re-organize yourself to better fit this new situation. 

7. Acceptance & Hope.

At this stage you start moving forwards again, and accepting what has just happend. you will also start gaining some of that hope back. Hope can be a very powerful thing. I believe there is always a light at the end of the tunnel, my glass may not always be half full but I will chase that light. Just because you may have lost some hope doesn’t mean it is gone for ever, you can regain it. I found this quote that I feel best fit’s this paraghraft, “prehaps they are not stars, but rather openings in heaven where the love of are lost ones pour through and shine down to let us not that they are happy.” -Eskino Proverb. I believe it’s an amazing quote because it gives you something to believe in.

This is the end of my blog. I Appoligize for it being so short, I really had a hard time writing this with out tears. I lost 2 very close people to me when I was 8 and 1 only a couple months ago. But I will be posting a resource blog attacted to this, as the sencond half of my blog.