Madison Talking About Eating Disorders

When it comes to eating disorders it’s a hard thing to talk about. It’s very difficult to explain exactly how it feels to experience what it’s like  because it differs from person to person.  Although I will tell you this, I would not want to go back to the way I was back then. When I was 16 I was anorexic, I only ate food when I had to, I would freak out if I went over 110 pounds, and no one questioned it until I really started showing how much I actually had lost. I don’t think l was truly happy with myself, nor did l believe that anyone would like me if I gained any weight.

So today I’m going to go over different Stereotypes as well as the different types of eating disorders.

 

Stereotypes.

  1. Only types of eating disorder are anorexia or Bulimia:

Actually there is multiple different types, but I’ll be only talking about 7 today. The first one is a simple one I think everyone knows a little bit about so I won’t spend too much time on it.

Anorexia Nervosa: Characterized by the clients refusal or inability to maintain a normal body weight, intense fear of gaining weight or becoming fat, significantly disturbed perception of the shape or size of the body, and steadfast inability or refusal to acknowledge the existence or seriousness of the problem.

Bulimia Nervosa: recurrent episode of binge eating followed by inappropriate compensatory behaviors to avoid weight gain such as purging, fasting or excessively exercising.

Binge eating disorder: uncontrolled, excessive intake of any available food and often occurring following stressful events.

This is when someone over eats, without the vomiting. This is another very popular eating disorder but is not typically labeled as an eating disorder. Most people will binge eat after a bad break up or a difficult day at work, something stressful that can trigger it. Some won’t even notice their binge eating. This also happens when people are trying to gain weight but in an unhealthy way. Most people don’t realize that putting that much food in you all at once doesn’t sit well with your digestion, and it’s harder for your body to break down.

Avoidance/restrictive food intake disorder: this eating disorder is more like anorexia but instead of refusing food it’s more of fear. Most people will avoid the food they dislike, for them they have a fear of the texture or of vomiting.

Calorie counting: for this there is a healthy way and an extreme way to count your calories. The unhealthy way is to the point where you will not even go one thing over your limit and ignore any nutrition if it happens to go over. It can also lead to a lot of health issues and make you sick without the proper balance.

Pica: it’s most commonly found in children. This eating disorder is when you eat mainly nonfood items such as dirt or glue and you typically outgrow this eating disorder after a certain age. There are still some people who still struggle with this eating disorder past that point. Don’t get me wrong the stage in life that kids go through eating everything is perfectly normal but at the age of say 20 for example it is not normal to be eating dirt off the side of the road for dinner.

Last one I’m going to be talking about is nocturnal sleep related eating disorder: these are interesting because people who are fully asleep will still eat this also ties into sleep walking as well.  Having it happen on a regular bases can be considered a nocturnal sleep eating disorder. I’m not sure exactly how it works but it does happen.

These are only a few of the eating disorder that are out there if you want to check out more I got my info from dictionary.com and healthyplace.com/eating-disorders/eating-disorders-overview/type-of-eating-disorder-list-of-eating-disorder/ check it out they have a lot of good information on there about the different types, they will also give you better detail on the different topics I’ve talked about as well.

  1. People chose to have an eating disorder to get attention and can snap out of it if they want. 

It’s funny when you hear someone say that, especially when you’re someone who has been through it, because most people don’t even realize they are doing it till someone points it out. I know for a fact I didn’t and after someone pointed it out I honestly tried to hide it after that because I felt so ashamed of my actions and I didn’t know how to stop either. Something like an eating disorder can differ between people and some people can’t even control it without help, and a lot of the time there is no help to be found at that time.

  1. it’s a girl thing. 

It’s definitely not a girl thing. I would say probably 50/50 or 40/60 at minimum. Yes you hear about girls more often but males go through the same situation and same struggle we females do. It’s a normal teenage phase that almost everyone one goes through, because of the stigma the media put out there of what we should look like. I’m sorry but half the models now don’t even look like that, it’s all computerized and Photoshop. No one is perfect and no one should be, imagining the world perfect to me it would get boring because everyone is the same.

  1. Eating disorder are unrelated to other behavioral disorders. 

Actually they can be related to some, as I said earlier one of the eating disorder can be related to sleep walking. other behavioral disorders that related to eating disorder are depression and anxiety. Depression is a very common one because a side effect from depression is lack of appetite or over eating, and that can cause or start the eating disorder habits. That being said not everyone who has an eating disorder has depression and vice versa.

“You can’t feel happiness with out sadness, you also can’t feel excitement without disappointment.”

~Madison Taylor.

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Brian View on Suicide

Suicide is a scary thought that no one should ever consider doing. Some of us I know if not most of us in the world go through a lot in our life and often times all we want to do is go somewhere far and just give up and end our life. Let me tell you something, I have been there many times in the past couple years and I cant even count the times I have attempted to end my life, at times I’m like why didn’t I kill myself when I had the perfect chase, why cant I just give up and go somewhere no one knows me or find me and kill myself, like why am I living, let me tell you something I wouldn’t be here right now if it wasn’t for the support of a couple friends holding me down and breaking me emotionally telling me how much life is going to get better soon. I should have been dead years ago when I held a gun to my head and couldn’t pull the trigger no matter how hard I tried to I just couldn’t do it, the one person that came to my mind when I closed my eyes was my baby niece, whenever I feel low I think of her and she just makes me feel better. Even though I can’t see her she is always close to me when I close my eyes.
I know how hard it is, where there’s days you just want to die and not live because you feel alone boys and girls whoever is reading this I want you to know, you are never ever going be alone in the world there is always going to be someone else in the world that is going through the same situation as you and that is ready to give up but I want you to know hang in there. No matter how hard life feels like its the end of the world its not, life is tough, life is rough, and often times we don’t know what to do, but there is so much you can do about it, when you feel like you want to end it all think of a love one and how hurt they would be if they found out you died? Think about the people that care and love you even when you deny that no one loves you, honestly you are loved and cared for its our intentions and negative thoughts that make us believe and think different. I know we all heard it before in life don’t be so negative and don’t be so upset, honestly its not a bad thing to be upset often times its good to be upset so you can release emotions and crying is good.
When you feel upset when you feel like the world is giving you hard times and feel like ending your life, think of someone you love dearly and talk to someone, talk to someone you can trust and tell them how your feeling, tell them that you want to give up be honest with them, I know I wouldn’t want anyone to go to that extreme, I know the struggle of suicide but remember there is someone else wanting to give up but don’t. The pain your battling, and your scars will change someone else’s life, I have my scars and I have my wounds but I’m still here surviving but what didn’t kill me in the past only made me stronger, I am a stronger and better person each day that goes by, each day I learn new things from people and talk to them about what I went through because I realized what I hid from everyone else only made things worse. Talk to someone about how you feel and don’t worry everyday is going to get better and better you are not alone.
this is Brian O’Connor stay beautiful

Brian’s Views on Addiction

Addiction is one common thing that can go two major ways in life, one it will break your family and friends apart and two it will end up with you being six feet deep, harsh I know but its true. I have seen a lot of my close family and friends go through addiction and trust me its not a pretty seen when you have to see your own blood smoke crack right in front of you. I have had my own share of addiction from drugs and alcohol, I have lost a lot of family and friends because they got fed up seeing me struggle with it, my mom walked away, my best friends everyone I ever cared about walked away, and I thought I would never see them again. I don’t know which was worse though at the time losing them or loving the addiction…? I know we all make mistakes in life not one of us is perfect but addictions kill us slowly.
How would you feel seeing your loved one walk away from you? Or seeing you kids get hurt by not having their mom or dad around, because they would rather party and drink or go do drugs…? Its the worse feeling ever putting someone you love in that position, I hated the fact I put everyone I love in the position seeing them walk away and leave me, I had to chose between liquor or family and sadly I chose liquor over them for a year, until I hated myself because I was lonely and hurt for not having anyone. But to be honest, after everyone walked away from me and after couple months of thinking I stopped because family and friends means more to me than liquor. I can say yes there are days where I can have a couple drinks and stop but there nights where I’ll go a couple days drinking then stop, I have gotten better after realizing what is more important in your life addiction or family?
We all have our addictions rather that is drugs or alcohol but we can all get better one day. It takes time for some of us to quit completely and for some of us we can quit cold turkey, either way we can quit on our own or quit with someone’s help. Don’t try to do something by yourself if you are unsure if its the right thing to do, talk to someone about the addiction, attend addiction seminars or meetings, find something that you can get help from, check into a rehab or treatment center. Once you get the help you need don’t think that its punishment think of it as a brand new start and a brand new beginning to a new you, life gets better when you have the love and support from your family and friends, sure it maybe tough but the reward at the end of it is worth all the stress. Believe in yourself and think positive and if your going through any addictions right now i believe in you that you can get better and you will.
Much love,
Brian O’Connor

Howie Discusses Domestic Abuse

“There are four lights!”- Jean-Luc Picard

Hey blog readers, it’s me Howie Defranco, firstly I hope you all had a good Halloween, secondly today’s topic is about Domestic abuse.  I’m going to take a minute to discuss the quote at the top, it’s a quote about psychological torture and making someone do what they don’t really want to do (it’s also a really good Star Trek episode).  Anyways the reason why I bring that up is that domestic abuse is both a physical and psychological torture that a person has an incredibly difficult time getting away from.  Now wait a minute here someone might disagree and say domestic violence isn’t the same as torture.  Domestic violence is defined “as a pattern of behavior in any relationship that is used to gain or maintain power and control over an intimate partner. Abuse is physical, sexual, emotional, economic or psychological actions or threats of actions that influence another person.”  In comparison to torture, “action or practice of inflicting severe pain on someone as a punishment or to force them to do or say something, or for the pleasure of the person inflicting the pain.”
The two definitions are actually quite similar, when you think about it which brings us to the fact that it’s horrible.  Take a minute for a second can you even imagine, imagine the person, the person that supposedly loves you hitting you, punishing you, controlling you, disrespecting you.  Picking at every piece of your self esteem to the point were all you can do is cry, living in fear of anyone finding out, because of what the person would do back or worse to them.  Domestic abuse is one of the worst thing a person can commit in this world, because they truly are destroying a person who won’t give up on them. You are acting like a monster, if you are committing this because it’s something no one in this world could look at and see a reasonable reason for it.
An eye for an eye does not apply to this kind of situation, so if your doing it out of spite that’s just shameful, if they hurt you just leave them don’t be petty and become this.  If it’s because it’s how you were raised, it’s what you saw when you were growing up, it comes in anyway from your upbringing then stop it right now, you have no right to be doing and neither did whoever taught you.  For the men that do this specifically think about your mothers when you are hurting the one you love, what would the women who brought you into this world think, without women we would not be here.  In the same vein girls, think about your fathers, who wanted you to be strong, what would they think if you were destroying another person.  Domestic abuse is one of the things in this world that shouldn’t exist at all.  If you’ve experienced it, or are experiencing it don’t stay quiet find a way to get it out, to expose the monster they are to the world.
Bibliography
www.icadvinc.org/what-is-domesticviolence

Madison Take on Learning Disability

This week during the learning disability, I wanted to talk about Dyslexia. Dyslexia is a learning disability that is really misunderstood. It’s also something that myself and my family struggle with? So like always I’ll start off with a definition I got off of Dictionary.com.

Dyslexia: Any of various reading disorders associated with impairment of the ability to interpret spatial relationship or integrate auditory and visual.

People with Dyslexia don’t always just struggle with reading. We also struggle with writing, spelling, math and many more that I’ll list later on in the Blog. I constantly have to check my writing over because I know how to spell most words now that I’m older but it doesn’t always come out on paper the right way. Numbers have to be the hardest for me because I would always draw them backwards so now that I have reversed that I can’t tell if there backwards or forward. It took a while for people to figure out what was wrong, and why I struggled so much as school. Most people don’t know is that Dyslexia doesn’t show up when taking a learning disability test, because it’s not that we don’t know the information it’s that are brain process things differently. For example I have weird tricks to remember my mathematics. I’ll try and make a video of the cool tricks I’ve learned and attach it to the Blog another week. The biggest issue with Dyslexia is that the warning signs for it can be so similar to other learning disability and mental health concerns that it’s typically over looked.

I wanted to write down a few of the most common warning signs for dyslexia

Pre-school/ Kindergarten

  • Has trouble recognizing the letters of the alphabet
  • Struggles to pronounce words correctly, such as saying “mawn lower” instead of “lawn mower”
  • Has difficulty learning new words
  • Has a smaller vocabulary than other kids the same age
  • Has trouble learning to count or say the days of the week and other common word sequences

Grade school/ Middle School.

  • Struggles with reading and spelling
  • Confuses the order of letters, such as writing “left” instead of “felt”
  • Has trouble remembering facts and numbers
  • Has trouble learning new skills and relies heavily on memorization
  • Gets tripped up by word problems in math
  • Has a tough time sounding out unfamiliar words
  • Has trouble following a sequence of directions

High School

  • Struggles with reading out loud
  • Doesn’t read at the expected grade level
  • Has trouble understanding jokes or idioms
  • Has difficulty organizing and managing time
  • Struggles to summarize a story
  • Has difficulty learning a foreign language

Here are a few more general warning signs that are not linked with age.

  • Labelled lazy, dumb, careless, immature, “not trying hard enough,” or “behavior problem.”
  • Complains of dizziness, headaches or stomach aches while reading.
  • Seems to have difficulty with vision, yet eye exams don’t reveal a problem.
  • Can be ambidextrous, and often confuses left/right, over/under.

Every one struggles with Dyslexia in their own way. Not something that you can outgrow but it’s something you can understand and work around. I struggled my whole child not understanding anything, I couldn’t figure out why people kept telling me I wasn’t trying hard enough when I was giving it my all. It wasn’t until grade 5 till I was Diagnosed and started understanding that I could learn I just had to focus on what my strengths were and use those. I learn allot through picture, I can remember stranding and mathematics through images in my head. It’s like flipping through a photo album and remembering everything you’ve done. That’s kind of similar to the way I think except I can’t always understand what I’m remembering or even chose what I want to remember.

A few sites that I suggest checking out I’ll link them to the Blog. It’s where I got the info above, they have great information on them, take a read if your infested on learning more :).

Nothing is impossible; the word itself says ‘I’m possible’! By Audrey Hepburn

-Madison Taylor ❤

Madison View on Infidelity

Like always I’ll start off with the definition of infidelity that I got off of Dictionary.com.

Infidelity: a breach of trust or a disloyal act; transgression.”

When it comes to infidelity there are so many different name for it; Cheating, adultery, affair. Honestly I’ve been through it all I’ve been cheated on, accused of cheating, and cheater. At the time being the cheater felt good at first since I had already been cheated on so many time before. But after a while I started hurting because I knew my partner at the time trusted me yet I didn’t know how to stop and tell him. In the end it ruined both relationship and I didn’t just lose one I lost both guys. When my ex found out I got put into one of the worse situations I had ever been in. let’s just say I never want to go back there again. Infidelity is not something I recommended people do, but everyone does their own thing. I just want everyone to remember that you don’t just hurt your sexual partner, you could also end up hurting yourself as well and maybe even people around you.

Everyone can take infidelity in all different types of ways. For some people the whole act of sleeping with another can be one way. As well as kissing can be another way to some people. It’s the break of trust to your partner, I know one of my ex’s that as soon as I told anyone else that I loved them he considered that cheating. So an open commutation is always the key. Plus it’s always better when the truth comes out it’s from the person telling the truth and not a friend. I always saw it that way, I would be a lot easier on my partner if he came up to me and told me the truth, then hearing it from one of our friends.

 Myths and stereotypes.

Affairs almost always spell the end of marriage

  • That’s not always true, it all depends on the couple. I also depend on circumstances as well, I mean say if It’s me and I’m sitting around with a group of friends and as my boyfriend walking in and someone kisses me, if I talk to my partner and there is communication and explanation, yes he will probably be mad at first but after the initial anger I’d be pretty sure we would be able to work on it. Same thing goes for if he cheated on me, if it comes from him yes I’d be angry but that doesn’t mean I would walk away from what we have. But hey that’s just me, I cannot speak for anyone else.

Once a cheater, always a cheater.

  • That is not true, some people can make honest mistakes. Also depends on the outcome, once an affair is brought to light, it’s up to that person to take the next step. Some people can have multiple affairs and others will do it once and never again. I have cheated before on my ex, I wasn’t happy and I was too afraid to end it. I will forever regret that choice, and I will never put someone through that again. It’s something I do not wish on anyone, that regret will pain me till the day I die. Yes it’s been 4 years now and my ex and I are now friends but now I can see how much I have really scared him, and it pains me to see how much he has trust issue and I can’t help to feel that it is my fault. I am now in a relationship with someone that I’m happy with and because of my past mistakes I never want to hurt him in the same way.

 Once an affair is out in the open, even if a couple stay together, they can never be happy together again.

  • Again not always the case. A couple can overcome anything if they want to, but it will take work and not everyone can get through it and that’s alright. It all depends on the relationship you have already built. If it is already a rocky relationship then there is a 50/50 chance the relationship can fall apart or it will bring you strong. I don’t mean go and test this theory because nothing I say is definite because every relationship is different. My current partner knows about my Past and has accepted me for who I am. Doesn’t fully agree with my choice but know the whole back story behind it as well.

That the end of my blog. Leave any comment, questions or concerns below, I’d love to hear from you guys. I’ll talk to you guys next week.

-Madison Taylor.

http://www.yourtango.com/experts/scott-haltzman/10-myths-about-infidelity

Sexual Abuse Myths #3

Welcome to the Fourth Installment of the Five part collaboration on Sexual abuse, thank you for the read. This Week we’re trying something new, as we were struggling with this topic on our own. Four of us have teamed up to answer some questions and dispel some myths. This team up is coming to you in five installments:

Monday Was of myths

Tuesday was answering questions

Wednesday was more baffling myths

Today is even more mind boggling myths

Finally Friday we have a ‘What if..’ question that we are going to answer.

Enjoy!

  1. Women get raped because they are dressed provocatively

Marie: As I stated previously in my last response, I could be standing there absolutely naked and that still does not say I want to take part in any sexual activity. The first time I was sexually assaulted I was seven wearing jeans and a fully buttoned up shirt. The last time I was sexually assaulted I was wearing yoga pants and a t-shirt. However I will sound like a broken record by saying it does not matter what I am wearing, even if I am absolutely naked in front of you I am not asking for it. Every time I was raped or sexually assaulted I had on pants and a shirt that did not show off my body. A woman does not get raped because of what she is wearing; they get raped because the other person had no concept of consent or controlling their urges.

Ivybelle: This is a big no, a girl can be wearing a long baggy shirt with baggy pants and she will still get sexually abused/rape. I know this for a fact because when it happened to me when I was younger. I was wearing a covered up with baggy t-shirt and baggy pants and yet I was sexually abused. A girl can wear a mini skirt and just a bra, or walk around naked but that still doesn’t mean a man or woman have the right to touch her body. A women should have the right to wear whatever she wants and still feel safe and not judged. It’s like saying if a guy walks around just in boxers, shorts or walks around naked then he is asking to be raped. It doesn’t make any sense.

Madison: when it comes to clothing it shouldn’t matter if a female wears short shorts and heels or baggy pants and a t-shirt, when it comes down to rape it could happen to anyone. Females do not go in to a store to pick out an outfit going “does this outfit help me get raped tonight” most females look for outfits that best fits their body, and makes them feel good.

Lynn: How one dresses has no relation to anything, sexual desires especially. The only thing it has relation to is what clothes a person feels happy and comfortable in and making them feel less so is a really dick move.

  1. When men become sexually aroused they have to have sex and cannot stop.

Marie: No, that’s rapists. Men respect women, they make sure their partner is consenting. Men do not rape. A man is able to control his urges when he becomes sexually aroused, he does not absolutely have to have sex. Males are not the only gender of rapists, women can be rapists too.

Ivybelle: It doesn’t matter if a man has sexual urges. If the person does not give you consent, you can’t just continue because you want it. If you really need to get some relief, pleasure yourself or find another consenting partner.

Madison: No, men can get an erection at random points of the day. Men aren’t always aroused when they have an  erection. Also men have just as much self-control as a female does.

 

  1. Rape only happens to young sexy women.

Marie: Then explain to me all the children, men and older women who are raped or sexually assaulted. Rape is not just a pretty young women issue, it’s everyone’s issue. Anyone can be a victim of rape, no one is safe. I was 7 the first time I was sexually assaulted, and I was barely 13 years old the first time I was raped… If that’s the definition of a young and sexy woman, what’s the definition of an innocent child?

Ivybelle: It happens to children and men too. There’s no specifics to who it happens, it just does. You can be 3 or 17, man or woman, be 90 lbs or 200, unfortunately it happens.

 

  1. A weapon is used.

Marie: One’s hands and body are a weapon in this kind of assault. I don’t need a gun pointed at me or a knife to know I am at danger. A weapon is not always necessary, the fear is more than enough to freeze someone and give their attacker an advantage. Never mind the fact that if your assailant overpowers you they don’t need a weapon to get their way.

Ivybelle: Weapons are not always used. Sometimes force is all they need and some people are too afraid to say no.

Madison: A weapon doesn’t always have to be used. A person could use body strength to overpower someone. You do not need to put a knife or a gun to someone head to assault someone else.

  1. If the attacker is drunk at the time of the assault then they cannot be accused of rape.

Marie: I’m torn on this, it all depends. I’d have to know all the facts as this varies from situation to situation. However just because the attacker is drunk it does not excuse raping another person.

Ivybelle: That’s like saying if a murderer was drunk then he cannot be charged for murder… how does that make sense? Whether you are drunk or not you still know that rape is wrong. Unless the person gives you their consent (says yes I want this), then you are not to have sex with them.

Madison: Yes and no, it all depends on the person. Some people can be much disoriented after it happens. But then there are some who are able to hide their pain better than other. There not really a toll tell sign of how someone acts after sexual assault.

 

  1. Women lie about being sexually assaulted to get revenge, for their own benefit, or because they feel guilty afterwards about having sex.

Marie: Why would a woman do that? It’s not funny nor is it something to be taken lightly. It’s a scary, life altering event and it’s not a scapegoat. If a woman uses it as an excuse then there’s something wrong with the whole picture.

Ivybelle: I’ve heard cases that a woman would lie about being raped out of revenge but some of them have a mental illness. I am not saying that they are right for doing it, but it happens. When women/men lie about that it makes it hard for cops to believe us victims. I once knew a guy who met this girl at a bar and they both agreed to a one night stand, but the next day she got attached. He told her that he made it clear that there’s nothing going on between them. She got so mad that she told the cops that he raped her and he had to go to court. He never got charged guilty because of proof, however she went to jail for falsely accusing him of rape. It was really sad because it had an impact on his career.

Madison: No not all of the sexually assault case are going to be lie. There may be the odd case where a female was upset. Majority of case that have to do with sexual assault are actual case and no matter what should be taken seriously. No assaults should be joked about it’s not a method to be taken likely because it can physically and mentally harm someone.

 

  1. You can tell if a woman is really sexually assaulted by the way she acts.

Marie: You may be able to tell she is uncomfortable in certain situations; but in no way can you tell for sure she has been sexually assaulted.

Ivybelle: Yes and no, everyone reacts differently. Some people will act distant yet others will act like nothing happened. Some people will want to stay single and not sleep with anyone for years while others will want to sleep around or want to be in a relationship. However most people, will have a bit of a change to their personality or attitude. They may either be bitter or just withdraw themselves from everything.

Madison: Yes and no, it all depends on the person. Some people can be much disoriented after it happens. But then there are some who are able to hide their pain better than other. There not really a toll tell sign of how someone acts after sexual assault.

 

We’d love to hear your opinion on this what if question and if to you there is still consent.

“Q: What if someone verbally consented to a sexual act, whether it was kissing, taking their shirt off, or having sex, but later, when they were in bed and making out, felt unsure and only said yes because the other person was pressuring them? Would you still consider that consent?”

We’ll be sharing our opinions on this on Friday!

Thank you for reading!

Looking forward to seeing you all tomorrow for more. Don’t be afraid to leave a comment leaving your opinion on any of these myths, our responses or any questions you may have. If you can think of a myth you’ve heard and haven’t seen here please don’t be shy and leave it in the comments.

Until tomorrow,

Marie Olsson, Madison Taylor, Ivybelle Teller, and Lynn Rascal

Sexual Abuse Myths #2

Welcome to the Third Installment of the Five part collaboration on Sexual abuse, thank you for the read. This Week we’re trying something new, as we were struggling with this topic on our own. Four of us have teamed up to answer some questions and dispel some myths. This team up is coming to you in five installments:

Monday Was of myths

Tuesday was answering questions

Today is more baffling myths

Thursday was even more mind boggling myths

Finally Friday we have a ‘What if..’ question that we are going to answer.

Enjoy!

A rapist is a stranger.

Marie: No, the rapist is not always a stranger. Personally I have been raped by 6 different men, only one of those six men was a stranger to me. Of the others 2 were friends and 3 were boyfriends. This isn’t even taking into account just sexual abuse that did not end in sex, but I think rape alone painted a good enough picture. This idea that you don’t know your rapist is not always true, many times you know your assailant well. It is very likely that your rapist be someone you trust.  Realistically 80% of assailants are friends and family of the victim making it a lot more likely that you are more likely to be assaulted when you feel safe then walking home alone.

Ivybelle: No, a rapist can be anyone: family, friend, boyfriend, ex, stranger, co-worker, etc… I personally know this because I was abused by family members, an ex-boyfriend, school mates and friends. A lot of people who go through abuse, rape is by someone you know and it makes it a lot harder to admit.

Madison: No, it’s not always the case. In cases when a child is the one being sexual assaulted it is typically coming from someone they already trust. In the case of a stanger taking sexually assaulting someone that has already been stalking them a while or they were an object of opportunity.

Lynn: Not always. Rapists can be strangers, but they can also acquaintances or friends or even family. Personally, I really trusted my sexual abuser until I found out what it was he was doing to me, seeing as it was my mom’s boyfriend at the time.

 

They didn’t struggle so they were not raped.

Marie: Personally I have fought back; but I only fought back the first few times or if it was a new assailant. I learnt pretty quickly that it hurt less and was over faster if I didn’t struggle or put my all into it. Overpowering my assailant was a fight I could not win, I was left drained and hurt but that did not stop me from being raped. That’s not to say that trying to stop your attacker from sexually assaulting you is useless or will not make a difference and I am not saying you should not try. All I am saying is that I knew my struggling was futile and I gave up, but that does not mean I consented. I was much younger and much weaker then all my rapists, leaving me at a disadvantage. But just because I did not give it my all to fight back does not mean I consented and was not raped.

Ivybelle:  That’s not true. Not everyone reacts the same way in the moment. Some people are too scared to do anything, some people are in shock mode, some people already have their trauma’s and they don’t just don’t want to fight it cause they know there’s no point. I can say that I’ve been sexually abused and raped but I’ve never actually fought to make it stop. I remember being scared and telling myself that if I tried anything I would probably get hurt.  When fear takes over you never know what’s going to happen. You cannot blame a victim for not defending themselves.

Madison: In my past I was sexually assaulted by the same guy for almost a year. After a certain point I couldn’t fight anymore. That is still considered rape, I was half the guy’s age and I did not consent to any sexual activity but after a certain point I couldn’t fight any longer. When it comes to rape it doesn’t matter if the female fight back or not, there was no consent. Your brain goes into the 3 f’s mode (Fight Flight or Freeze), if a person doesn’t fight back it could either they froze in fear or in a state of shock. If your judging someone on how much they fight back, that could be more harmful to their mental and emotional state the not giving any support.

There are always visible injuries when someone is sexually assaulted.

Marie: Just because there are no marks left on a victim’s body does not mean it did not happen. Just because you cannot see an injury doesn’t mean it’s not there; they could have hidden it or could be somewhere no one else should see. The trauma of sexual assault can scar you mentally, and that’s more than enough.

Ivybelle: No. Not everyone has marks left behind. It depends on the force of the rapist/abuser.

Madison: Not all sexual assault is rape. It can be anything, sexual assault can be; Groping, kissing, touching inappropriately, rape, it’s can be anything that would make you feel violated. It comes to a point where if that person crosses your boundaries willing or after you have clearly stated you are unwilling then that is clearly sexual assault.

You can identify a rapist by just looking at them – and they are usually from a particular race, or from a disadvantaged background.

Marie: yeah, sure, that makes complete sense… I mean just looking at my assailants you could clearly tell they were. I mean a couple white guys, an Asian and a Hispanic, how did I not see the pattern. Majority of my assailants came from a relatively advantaged background and most seemed like perfectly sweet gentlemen until you really got to know them. The only way to know someone is a rapist is from being told or experiencing it.

Ivybelle: The rapist can be anyone. Sometimes it can be a friend, family member but sometimes it can be a complete stranger. When it happens in the street or anywhere, you can’t always identify the rapist.  There’s no specific race or background that makes someone an abuser. The rapist can be white, black, Asian or any race.

Madison: If you are walking down the street I wouldn’t be able to honestly tell if someone has sexually assaulted someone or not. I believe there is no particular race or background that sexually assault someone, it honestly can be anyone. You may be able to tell if there is something off by their behavior, not by the way they look. If we start judging people by the way they look are jails will be ten time more crowded with innocent people. Let’s stop judging people by their ethnicity and cultural background and start looking at people with their own personality, because every person is their own person.

Lynn: Not at all. There is no “poster child” for rapists. Rapists come in all different shapes, sizes, races, and genders. Anyone could be a rapist.

 

Unless she is physically harmed, a sexual assault victim will not suffer any long-term effects.

Marie: Sometimes the most harmful events are the ones that don’t (always) leave physical scars. PTSD is a very real problem, and it can be an issue for sexual assault survivours. I personally have a hard time being intimate with another person in fear that if I say no they’ll ignore it or force me.

Ivybelle: No matter what way you were harmed; physically, mentally, or emotionally, you may suffer in the long term.  When you are being sexually abused it takes a big toll on you emotionally and verbally. You could spend most of your life looking over your shoulder, not being able to trust others. You may feel worthless and disgusting. When it comes to relationships you could have a hard time giving everything you have because you’re scared of what they can do to you or you may have problems expressing yourself. You may have trouble focusing in school or at work. Sexual assault trauma isn’t something that just goes away. Your life may change after that.

 

Rape is a sexual act that is taken too far.

Marie: Rape is rape. Rape is assault; it is violence. Rape is not a sexual act nor is it is not a sexual act gone too far. Rape is a physical assault violating someone’s body.  It is something to not be down played, justified or made excuses for; it is a vile act of ignoring a person’s wishes to not perform a sexual act upon them. Without consent a sexual act is not sexual, it is rape.

Madison: At what point is it too far? The moment the person says no or when the person is screaming in pain. For me as soon as a person says no and the other person continues then that is already going too far.

If a woman has had many sexual partners then she cannot be sexually assaulted.

Marie: Without consent a sexual act is sexual assault or rape, regardless of how many or few sexual partners the person has had.

Ivybelle: Sexual assault has nothing to do with how many partners you’ve had.  When’s there’s no consent, it is rape. Even if you are in a relationship it’s possible to be sexually abused.

Madison: It should not matter how many sexual partner she may have, it’s about having her rights stripped from her. What is the different is a female has 2-30 partners. The point is that no matter what no one deserves to be sexually assaulted

 

 

We’d love to hear your opinion on this what if question and if to you there is still consent.

“Q: What if someone verbally consented to a sexual act, whether it was kissing, taking their shirt off, or having sex, but later, when they were in bed and making out, felt unsure and only said yes because the other person was pressuring them? Would you still consider that consent?”

We’ll be sharing our opinions on this on Friday!

Thank you for reading!

Looking forward to seeing you all tomorrow for more. Don’t be afraid to leave a comment leaving your opinion on any of these myths, our responses or any questions you may have. If you can think of a myth you’ve heard and haven’t seen here please don’t be shy and leave it in the comments.

Until tomorrow,

Marie Olsson, Madison Taylor, Ivybelle Teller, and Lynn Rascal

 

Source:

“Sexual Assault Statistics in Canada.” N.p., n.d. Web. <http://www.sexassault.ca/statistics.htm&gt;.

Questions on Sexual Abuse

Welcome to the Second installment of our five part Collaboration!

This Week we’re trying something new, as we were struggling with this topic on our own. Four of us have teamed up to answer some questions and dispel some myths. This team up is coming to you in five installments:

Monday Was of myths

Today we’re answering questions

Wednesday is more baffling myths

Thursday even more mind boggling myths

Finally Friday we have a ‘What if..’ question that we are going to answer.

 

 

Questions about Sexual Abuse:

 

  1. Was it my fault?

Marie: No. When you are sexual assaulted or raped it is never your fault. It does not matter how many ‘what if..’ and ‘if only I had..’ thoughts went through your head, not consenting for a sexual act that took place makes it not your fault. Did you ask for it to happen? Did you consent to the activities that took place? If you answered no to either of these questions it was not your fault. I asked myself this question when it happened to me and sometimes I still do, but I have to keep reminding myself that I do not take any blame in my sexual abuse.

Ivybelle: No. No matter what people say, it is never your fault. When something is taken away from you without your consent, it is not your fault. Someone took advantage of you. For the longest time I thought it was my fault that I got abused because everyone told me that I started it, that I wanted it. At first I blamed them, but then I thought “what if I did start it? What if it was my fault” and I started to believe myself. I was lucky to have my best friend around at that time to help me and remind me that it’s not my fault and what they did is wrong.

Madison: No, if you are sexually assaulted it is not your fault.

 

Q: Will I ever feel better?

Marie: You may, it varies from person to person. You will not always feel as bad as you did right after it happened, but it may never fully go away. Personally I still have a lot of triggers and trust issues when it comes to touching me, which I don’t think will ever disappear. However I can say they are not as bad as they were, and I can learn to trust others and let them in. It may take baby steps but I no longer cringe every time a male is near me and I have managed to have a physical relationship since with a lot of trust building. Having support from friends, family and, if you decide to seek it, therapy.

Ivybelle: Honestly.. No. It doesn’t go away. The memories are still there sitting in the back of your mind. One day you may be fine and the next you might have a meltdown or not even want to get out of bed. You may be angry and push people away without realizing it. You have built this wall between you and the world, you might shut down. You may not be able to be intimate with someone for a long time. You may become more protective of your friends and family. You may always look over your shoulder. When a guy/girl flirts with you, you may get scared. When you drink you might feel vulnerable. You may have trouble sleeping at night, sometimes you may feel like someone is on top of you. Sometimes you may feel like you are being watched. There’s a lot of things that may happen. This constant fear might take over. I’m not saying that this will happen to everyone, but for a lot of people that’s the case. Please, don’t be afraid to get some help.

Madison: I agree with Ivy belle the memories will all be there, and it may not fully go away. But it’s the also the part of us that can make us stronger. I wouldn’t be where I am today if my past was not what it was.

Q: What do I do, or whom do I tell, if I am sexually assaulted or my child is sexually abused?

Ivybelle: Tell someone you trust, whether it’s a friend or a family member, also call the cops. It’s a scary thing to do, but the cops will be able to help you. If you can’t call the cops, try to get someone who you trust to call for you so he/she can send the cops to your home or wherever you feel safe. Maybe if you are scared to be alone with the cops, get someone to sit down with you and support you. The cops will give you a phone number or reference you to some therapy or someone to talk to. Therapy does help.  The cop will ask you to go to the hospital, so try to not take a shower after the assault has happened.

Madison: if my child or I had gotten sexually assaulted then I’d so to my family doctor or the police. But in a different situation especially when fear is involved then the only thing I can recommend is go to someone you trust. That can be anyone from friend and family to a social support work and counsellor.

Q: I do not know how to help a friend who has been sexually assaulted.

Marie: Be there for them. Be supportive and patient with them. When you find out they have been sexually assaulted ask if they’re safe, are they in any danger. Ask if they’ve reported, and if they have not ask why. They may be unsure of the process, they may be scared of their assailant, or they could feel like reporting it is not going to help. They could also be afraid of talking about it out loud, in a lot of detail over and over again; or that they will not be believed. Those on top of many other things are legitimate thoughts to think in that sort of situation; but urge your friend to report the incident and reassure them that you will be there for them and that it is a good thing to do. But never pressure your friend into anything, whether it’s talking to you or the police, that’s the last thing they need at that moment. Talk to them about the possibility of support groups or therapy and help them look for that if they’re interested. When someone reports their sexual assault to the police they can also be referred to services such as support groups and/or counselling through them as well. If they don’t want to report it or go to therapy or support groups don’t force them, be supportive of them. You can also ask if they have thought of seeing a doctor for screening (STI testing and such) to ensure their health.  All you can do is ensure their safety, and be there for them, reaching out is their job and you cannot force that to happen.

Ivybelle: All you can do is be there for them and don’t judge them. They are already struggling with expressing themselves and they feel like everyone will judge them. Tell them that things will work out, but never tell them to just get over it. Ask them if they have reported it, if not ask if they plan to. If they haven’t yet because they are afraid, ask them if there’s anything you can do to help. Sometimes they just need a little push to help them get the ball rolling. After I was sexually abused, I didn’t report it to the cops or get help, but my mom knew I needed help. She took me to therapy and my therapist gave me 2 choices. Either I go to the police station myself or he was going to call the cops to get them to meet me at my place. It took me a week, my mom knew I didn’t go. She grabbed me by the arm and made me make a report. It was hard, they didn’t want my mom to be in the same room, but I told them that the only way I was going to do this is if my mom joins me. They let her come in but I wasn’t allowed to talk to her. After the report, a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. I thank my mom and my therapist for it. I still struggled and when I needed a friend the most, my best friend was there for me. She gave me comfort, gave me hugs, reminded me it’s not my fault and talked a bit. It was a relief to know that my best friend wasn’t judging me. Sometimes people need a little push. Before taking that step, make sure the person asks for your help.

Madison: The one thing I needed most after mine attack was compassion. The only thing you can do is try to just listening and supporting them.

Q: Aren’t gay people more likely to sexually abuse children than straight people?

Marie: I hear this quite a lot and honestly, no they are not. That’s like saying girls are more likely to be smart then boys are. It’s quite an outdated, uneducated and baffling way to think. It’s not true and it never has nor will it ever be.

Ivybelle: Yes, I also ride a polar bear to work, live in an igloo and I drink maple syrup… No! I’ve never heard this before but no. Gays are just like straight people, there’s no need to label people. Anyone can be a rapist, gay, straight, transgender, etc..

Madison: No, Being gay does not automatically mean you will sexually abuse a child. People who sexually assault children struggle with something more the sexual identity. I don’t think it matters if you are straight, gay, bi sexual, lesbian when it comes down to it anyone could be anyone.

 

Q: Can I be sexually assaulted by my boyfriend, girlfriend, friend or acquaintance?

Marie: I cannot say this enough, without consent it is sexual assault. It does not matter what your relationship with the person is you still have to give consent for it to be a sexual act.

Ivybelle: Yes. I know this can be confusing for a lot of people… “He’s my boyfriend, they can’t rape me.” Yes there is. If you tell your boyfriend, girlfriend, friend or whoever else that you are not in the mood or no and the person is still being pushy about it – it is rape. Whether you are married or not, if you don’t want it and they force it, it is rape. It’s something that not a lot of people mention but yes it does happen. If there’s no consent, it’s rape.

Madison: not every person get raped or assaulted by their partners but it can happen. As soon as you say no and your partner does not stop it is consider assault/rape.  Doesn’t matter who it may be, as soon as you say no it means no.

 

We’d love to hear your opinion on this what if question and if to you there is still consent.

“Q: What if someone verbally consented to a sexual act, whether it was kissing, taking their shirt off, or having sex, but later, when they were in bed and making out, felt unsure and only said yes because the other person was pressuring them? Would you still consider that consent?”

We’ll be sharing our opinions on this on Friday!

Thank you for reading!

Looking forward to seeing you all tomorrow for more. Don’t be afraid to leave a comment leaving your opinion on any of these questions, our responses or any questions you may have. If you can think of a myth or question you’ve heard and haven’t seen here please don’t be shy and leave it in the comments.

Until tomorrow,

Marie Olsson, Madison Taylor, Ivybelle Teller, and Lynn Rascal

Marie Olsson on Grieving a Loved One (In honour of her Granddad)

Personally I am struggling even trying to write this blog for you; as I am still struggling with accepting the loss of my loved ones. However I am going to do my best to give you guys something, even if it is short. For that I apologise. Without further ado here is my blog on grieving a loved on.

—-

  “There are as many sorrows as there are people who feel them and there are no rules…

It is solitary… Grief is such a lonely thing. There is no-one in it with you – others may grieve for the same soul, but they do not grieve exactly for what you also grieve. No-one has lost precisely what you have lost. Not exactly, never exactly. We are in it alone…

 Oh it is wild and it is lonely. It is as if you’ve woken to a world that you recognise but it has been tilted, somehow – coated, or rubbed down, or made colder or less bright. It echoes where it should not echo; where it should echo, it is as echoless as a single, muffled thud. And grief is not merely sadness, as if sadness alone was not enough to bear. I had imagined the sorrow to be as deep as a well, a howling grief, but I had not imagined the other feelings that have no right to be there, which seem wholly misplaced in a state of grieving – rage, impatience, self-pity, disgust. They come from the dark and rush in upon you…”

― Susan Fletcher, The Silver Dark Sea

No one does things the same way another person does, no one feels the same way either. For some people moving forward is easier and for others it feels a lot harder. Everyone takes different amounts of time to move through the steps of grieving and encounters them in a different order; but everyone who has ever lost someone has been through them, and could still be going through it.  However I feel as though you’ll have seen all about the stages of grieving in at least one other blog so I will not be covering that.

As I am currently writing this it is five days before the fourth anniversary of my grandfather’s passing, and as the date (Saturday, Sept. 26) grows closer I am realising that I really am not done grieving. I’ve yet to accept he is really gone, that I will never hear his voice on the other end of the line, or be able to give him a hug.  For months after he passed I would still call my grandparents’ house hoping to hear his voice, asking me how I’ve been, yet I was met with a short clipped message of him apologising for not reaching the phone. I tried again and again, not ready to come to terms that he wouldn’t one day pick the phone up and we’d talk and laugh together. Eventually the number was disconnected and that’s when I started to really feel the loss. When reality hit me I didn’t break out sobbing or lock myself in my room for days, although I would have much preferred that, instead I felt numb… absolutely numb.  I continued on with life as I had been prior, I was just void of any and all emotions.

For months after the loss of my granddad I tried to fill the void in my heart and find some emotions by drinking every weekend. I found comfort in the alcohol induced emotions, figuring that even a ‘fake’ emotion was better than the nothingness I was feeling.  However that did not get me anywhere, when I would sober up I was back to feeling nothing, it did not help me move forward.

“You can’t truly heal from a loss until you allow yourself to really FEEL the loss.”

Mandy Hale, The Single Woman: Life, Love, and a Dash of Sass

I didn’t realise by feeling numb it wasn’t really helping me and the worst hadn’t even started yet. I had thought feeling numb had been a good step towards healing. However when the numbness faded I was not prepared for the tidal wave of emotions which rushed over me. I was a mess, I was crying, I wanted to curl up in a ball and rock back and forth, but I expected that. What I wasn’t expecting the short temper, exhaustion or codependency that came along with it.

“The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not ‘get over’ the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same nor would you want to.”

― Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

I have come a long way in my process of grieving for my granddad, but I still have a long road ahead of me. I don’t think the hurt will ever go away but I’m closer to fully accepting that he’s not with me anymore. I’ll love him forever and always, and he’ll always be alive and well in my heart, and that’s good enough for me.

“But in all of the sadness, when you’re feeling that your heart is empty, and lacking,

You’ve got to remember that grief isn’t the absence of love.

Grief is the proof that love is still there.”

― Tessa Shaffer, Heaven Has No Regrets

 In Loving Memory of my Grandad,

Marie Olsson xoxo

Ivybelle take on grieving a love one

“The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not ‘get over’ the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same nor would you want to.” ― Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

Everyone loses someone at some point and everyone grieves at some point. We’re often told to get over it or that eventually we will but it’s not that easy.  As for those who are suffering, grieving takes time. We need to go through all the stages of grieving; SHOCK & DENIAL, PAIN & GUILT, ANGER & BARGAINING, “DEPRESSION”, REFLECTION, LONELINESS, THE UPWARD TURN, RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH, ACCEPTANCE & HOPE. I’m not saying that everyone deals with it the same way everyone has a different way to cope.

I could give you a list of all the people my mom and I have lost, but it would never end. It’s really hard to see my mom grieving for that list. She tends to shut me out, sometimes she’ll lock herself in her room and cry.  Although she tries to hide it, I can hear it and it hurts me because I cant make her feel any better, I can’t bring back a loved one. I think I get that from my mom, I try to shut everyone out and cry myself to sleep.

It usually takes me a while before it hits me that I’ve lost someone. Sometimes it can take days, sometimes it takes weeks but when it sinks the pain kicks in. I feel like my lungs are giving out on me, my head starts spinning and my throat hurts from trying not to cry. Sometimes, I feel like I’m going to be sick. I’ve lost a lot of people especially family. My family is getting smaller and somehow my family is becoming more distant with one another, it hurts to see that.

When I lost my Great Grand Mother, my whole family fell apart. I moved out here to BC to live with my mom and a year after that is when she passed away. I got the news from my mom when she received it in an email from her brother. At first she thought it was a misunderstanding but then she realized that it wasn’t. She tried so hard not to cry, but for me it hadn’t sunk in yet. She broke down crying in front of her computer and I didn’t know how to react or what to do. When she calmed down she told me that she felt guilty. She felt guilty because she promised her that she would go visit her before she left us, and unfortunately she couldn’t afford to go see her. She felt that she failed as a grand daughter. That’s when it hit me… She’s gone…

I tried telling my mom that it’s not her fault, that there’s nothing she could have done. That life throws us curve balls and we try to make the best of it. We found out a month later when her funeral was, but my mom still couldn’t afford to go back east to attend. She cried for hours and told me “ I didn’t even get the chance to say goodbye. I should’ve started saving money years ago.”  My great grand mother was like a mom to my mother. She took care of her growing up when her mom was too busy working.

My mom went through all of the stages of grieving before accepting that her grandma is in a better place. Today she still hurts a bit, but she accepts it. Me on the other hand, took a bit longer to accept it. I knew for a couple years before her passing she wasn’t going to be around much longer. She was getting thinner and she was barely eating. I cried a lot before her passing because I knew I wasn’t going to have her around much longer. When she did pass away, in that moment it was unexpected. She was the one to make sure the family was close and taught us what we know today. She taught us the importance of family values.  It wasn’t until last year that I finally learned to let go.

If I had the chance to talk to her again I would ask her if she’s happy. Tell her that I miss her, that I think about her all the time and that I love her. That my mom wants her to know that she’s sorry for not being there for her. I wish I could tell her how much my life has changed and I’m doing things that I love. I would ask her for life advice and tell her we’re okay.  Grieving is a long process, but it takes time to heal. There’s no time or magical way of making it all go away. Take time to heal and don’t be afraid to ask for help. Remember that it’s not your fault and tell yourself that now, they are in a happier place and they are looking over you.
Breathe. You’ll be okay.

Stay strong, Stay beautiful, Stay you.
-Ivybelle- xox

Grieving A Loved One -Howie Defranco

Hey blog readers, it’s me Howie Defranco and today we’re gonna be discussing grieving the loss of a loved one.  Well not so much a discussion as its one sided with me on the keyboard and you doing the reading.  I guess the best thing to start out saying is that everyone deals with with the loss in different ways, not in the sense that they don’t encounter each stage of grief.  Instead it’s more like you don’t go stage one, two, three, four and five, you go stage one, two, one, three, two, four, one… Etc as it has no limit to how long grief can go on for.

Now I have not experienced the loss of a loved one personally since I was a child at least not anyone I was close to.  Therefore I’m unable to really speak from a personal standpoint about what it’s like to lose someone you love to death.  In spite of that though I’ve lost people in my life and seen others lose people in their lives go through different stages and cycles of grief over the loss of someone they love.  It’s painful and although the stages usually can bounce around and people need time to get past it, people can get lost in.
In the same way, the fallen loved one is lost the one still alive can become a shell of the person they were or who they want to be.  It starts because people have trouble letting go of the past, when they put on obstacle in the way of letting go.  Overworking, drug and alcohol abuse, compulsive behaviour, avoiding emotion and minimizing feelings are ways people avoid and obstruct themselves from moving on from the pain and learning to accept their life moves on.  It’s as simple as breathing to not even notice that you’re doing it, that you’re holding on to the pain of your loved ones memory.
Earlier I mentioned the stages of grief, they’re are five of them and everyone deals with them in their own time and way.  Denial and shock are supposed to be the first stage in which you don’t accept the fact that they’re gone, you just don’t believe it which is a good thing as it can diminish the impact of the loss on you.  Bargaining trying to figure out a way, a way you could have helped them something better you could have done, how you could of treated them better.  It helps to bargain as you come to better terms with what happened.  Depression is the worst of the stages although it’s only natural, if it persists too much can cause a lot of stress on your mental (feelings of isolation and loneliness) and physical health (with loss of sleep and appetite).  Anger is the stage that causes you to feel like your loved one abandoned you even though you know it wasn’t their fault and can cause you to just be angry at the world.
The fifth stage is acceptance the stage every one needs to reach but get trapped in the mentioned stages.  The best ways to help yourself or someone you know with dealing with these stages is to give them a way to express yourself or confide in someone you trust.  Allow yourself to just have sometime, to draw, to write, to create, something that opens your feelings and let’s out your emotions for you and others to see.  As well you could talk to a close friend, they’ll help you more than you think, find a support group that has people going through the same emotions or better talk to a therapist if you wish.  That’s what they’re there for, me personally I have a fear of speaking to professionals just cause I always have a fear of what there thinking.  How they’re reacting to what I’m saying, if they’re judging me, or fitting me for a straight jacket in their head.  So I don’t see them but it’s what they were trained to do and it’s an option for those of you who liked to talk.
Speaking of acceptance I mentioned earlier when I was kid was the last time I lost a loved one it was my great grandpa.  I was four years old, and he died peacefully in his own home in the kitchen, my great grandma found him in the morning.  My great grandpa is the reason I wasn’t given up for adoption when I was kid, I was an accident and my mom, and her parents wanted to give me up.  Mind you my mom wasn’t set on the idea but my great grandpa basically put his foot done, said I’m family and I belonged with them and that he and my great grandma would help my mom anyway they could.  I loved him, even though he was tough sometimes.  To be fair i hear they were times I was a little monster but the worst thing I ever did was I tried to climb up this old ladder.  It was outside my grandpa was doing something on the roof and I tried climbing the ladder, he comes over picks me up and spanks me.  I deserved it and when he died, my mom brought me to a therapist so I could process it properly.  He asked me to draw a picture and I drew my great grandpa climbing a ladder up to heaven.  That was my acceptance in my mind.
There’s not really much else to say I think but that if you feel the loss of someone you love is the end of your life.  Then talk to someone, I’m not saying your wrong because it’s your choice if you want your life to end or to wallow in self pity.  Just take some time talk to someone, express yourself, find something that gives your life meaning again.
Bibliography
“Stages of Grief: How to Cope With Grief and Loss.” WebMD. WebMD, n.d. Web. 04 Sept. 2015.

Madison’s Grieving a Love One.

Defintion of Grief: Keen mental suffering or distress over affliction or loss; sharp sorrow; painful regret.

When it comes to grief there are 7 stages. Not everyone goes through them in the same order, also stages can last longer for diffrenet people. Not one grieving is the same. I also believe that there is not time limit to grieving.

Stages of Grief.

  1. Shock & Denial.

In this stage typicaly come right after the anishal event happens. Your body and mind uses this time as a defence to shield you from the pain that you can’t quite understand yet.

2. Pain & Guilt.

When this stage comes it can hit everyone diffrently. For me my mind started to go through all the “what ifs?”, and “I should have’s”. I started dewlling on the past and I was unable to look forward. 

3. Anger & Bargaining

This is where your mind grabs on to the one emotion it can understand, because it’s alot easier to be angry at something then feel the loss sometime. This is also the stage where you will try anything to get that person back and start trying to feel alive again.

4. “Depression”, Reflection & Loneliness.

This stage is when you start feeling the effects of the loss. You start missing there presants, but it’s also the time you start to reflect on all the good memorys you once had with that person.

5. Upwards turn.

This point your starting to straighten out, and pick all the pieces you had dropped. This is also the time where you get control of your emotions again. you will also start thinking clearly and more positive again. 

6. Reconstuction & working through.

This is where we start working through anything that need to be delt with such as: work, school, funneral perperation, other family, ect… This is also the start of where you rebuild your self, by lying everything on the table and re-organize yourself to better fit this new situation. 

7. Acceptance & Hope.

At this stage you start moving forwards again, and accepting what has just happend. you will also start gaining some of that hope back. Hope can be a very powerful thing. I believe there is always a light at the end of the tunnel, my glass may not always be half full but I will chase that light. Just because you may have lost some hope doesn’t mean it is gone for ever, you can regain it. I found this quote that I feel best fit’s this paraghraft, “prehaps they are not stars, but rather openings in heaven where the love of are lost ones pour through and shine down to let us not that they are happy.” -Eskino Proverb. I believe it’s an amazing quote because it gives you something to believe in.

This is the end of my blog. I Appoligize for it being so short, I really had a hard time writing this with out tears. I lost 2 very close people to me when I was 8 and 1 only a couple months ago. But I will be posting a resource blog attacted to this, as the sencond half of my blog.