Ivy belle: Fear of relationships Pt.1

Fear of relationships


“It’s okay to be scared. Being scared means you’re about to do something really, really brave.” – Mandy Hale

Have you ever stopped yourself from being in a relationship because you’re too scared to get hurt or be in one? I have.

The last time I was in a relationship was when I was 19 and left him when I was 22. I was engaged to this guy and we lived together even though he put me through a lot. From cheating, to lying & even using me, I stayed with him because I thought that I was just being a bad girlfriend and I was overreacting. When you’re in a relationship with someone who blames you for everything and tells you it’s your fault- you start to believe it. That relationship was my first serious relationship and I think that’s why I kept forgiving him because I also thought that this is the only relationship I will ever have and that no one else will love me but him.

I remember being vulnerable, angry, anxiety, hurt and I felt betrayed 90% of our relationship. He would be with another woman but lie to me, and even if he wasn’t I got so paranoid that I couldn’t sleep at night until he would show up. When I would ask him where he’s been, he would get very defensive. I didn’t know at the time that lies could really destroy a person. I took him back at least 8 times but every time I told myself “ this time is it! Me and him are over for good.” However, I would always take him back even when I knew it was bad news. I stayed with him until I literally hated him. I couldn’t stand having him around anymore. I didn’t want to be intimate, I wanted him to go sleep over at his friends, I would get upset for no reason and I was angry all the time.

Instead of leaving him and saving myself the pain I stayed with him to the point that I hated him more than my dad. Later on, when we broke off the engagement and everything I told myself I wouldn’t get into another relationship but then my ex’s sister introduced me to someone else. He was a nice guy and with time I fell hard for him. He would always try to surprise me but little did I know, my ex knew him too and he didn’t like him- apparently he’s a “goof” whatever that means. My ex did everything in his power to make sure that we broke up. One say my ex called me and told me I had to chose to break up with my boyfriend or having no where to live. I remember being hurt, torn and I told him that I wasn’t going to break up with my boyfriend for him.

One night my ex called me really angry and told me we needed to talk face to face. When I showed up we got into a heated argument about my boyfriend and he kept asking me if I broke up with my boyfriend, I told him no. At this point it was 2 am and I was ready to walk out the door until he wouldn’t let me leave because it was late. Eventually I gave in and he told me we would watch a movie together until we fell asleep. At that moment I knew all this was wrong and I just wanted to sit in a corner and cry. When we were watching a moving my ex put his hands on me and I kept telling him no to take his hands off me. I thought he would of understood but next thing I know I was pinned to his bed and he forced me to have sex with him. I felt disgusted even though I kept telling him that this is a bad idea that we shouldn’t do this. It was too late. The next morning he left for work and I hurried to get all my stuff together to leave but his roommate told me that I shouldn’t of slept with him that I would hurt my ex’s feelings. I tried to explain to him that I tried to tell him no but he kept blaming me. When I got back to my ex sister’s place (where I lived) and I tried to avoided talking about the night before.

When I got home I was trying to get a hold of my boyfriend but I wasn’t able to get a hold of him. My ex’s sister confronted me about what happened last night because apparently my ex called her. I tried to explain the situation but she sided with him by saying that he didn’t point a gun to my head and I could of left at any point, I was hurt. I texted my ex telling him that that night wasn’t supposed to happened that he pressured me into sleeping with him but he said that I could of walked away. In that moment I was so confused if it was rape or if it was actual sex. My ex threatened to tell my boyfriend that I cheated on him and that I liked it and etc.. After 3 days I finally got a message from my boyfriend asking me what the hell happened and explained that he got a message from my ex and he was really mad. I explained that I didn’t want to sleep with him but he pressured me but my boyfriend only saw it as cheating not rape. At the moment, he broke up with me and I was devastated.

I didn’t really have anyone to talk to because I wasn’t on good terms with any of my friends and I didn’t want to have this talk with my mom. I had so many plans with my boyfriend: we were suppose to move in together, build a family and get married but that night of the break up he got back with his ex girlfriend and got engaged. Now he’s happily married and has 4 kids. Still today I miss him. I wish we could talk things through and be friends but I know that’s not possible. I keep telling myself that I might actually have had a good life right now and be happy.

After all the heartache I moved back to Quebec with my family to get my life back together. I told myself that I would be doing a job that I love, that I could heal my heart again, and take care of my family- but that wasn’t the case for most part. My ex-fiancé was always trying to get a hold of me-texting, snap chatting, Facebook, etc. I kept telling him to leave me alone but he wouldn’t. It took me a long time for me to be able to supress my anger and bitterness. I stayed single even though my friends and family tried to hook me up with people. I’ve had people ask me for one night stands but I’ve turned them all down because I don’t personally think that sleeping with someone while I’m healing will help me at all or just sleeping with someone for the pleasure of it.

To be continued….

Stay Strong. Stay Beautiful. Keep fighting -Ivybelle- Xx




Ivybelle On The Fear Of Intimacy

The Fear Of Intimacy

 “Aphenphosmphobia. The fear of intimacy phobia is known by several other names such as  Aphenphosmphobia (which is the fear of being touched) as well as Philophobia
(which is the fear of love).” – www.fearof.net/fear-of-intimacyphobia-aphenphosmphobia/

Intimacy means being vulnerable and that’s something that I’ve been struggling with for years. Growing up being sexually abused, bullied, and feeling like I’m not good enough or pretty; I think it has a lot to do with fearing intimacy. A lot of people knew I was vulnerable as a kid and they took that for granted by doing what they pleased with me.

Standing there and letting someone else put their hands on me or take off my clothes off is something that scares me a lot, I become very vulnerable. Knowing that the man standing in front of me and seeing every part of me is very hard. How do I know if they like what they see? How do I know that they aren’t using me? How do I know if I can please them?

When they lay their hands on my leg, on my arms or grab my hand and give me a back massage all I can feel is my heart pounding, my stomach is in knots and my legs start bouncing and hands shaking. All I want to do is cry and scream and for them to go away. There’s nothing wrong with the men who I try to date or who try to get intimate with me, there’s just an issue with me that I need to fix. Often I feel the pressure that I need to sleep with them to sleep with them but most of the time I’ll walk away or wont bother going on dates or get into relationships.

A few months after my dad sexually abused me, I moved with my mom and she could tell I needed help. Sometimes my mom would put her hands on my knees and I would start shaking and bouncing my leg. I knew that she wouldn’t sexually abuse me but there’s another part of me that wasn’t sure anymore. I would get very uncomfortable when someone would hug me or touch me…I really hope that one day I can face my fear.

Here are some things that might help understand the fear a bit…

(This may or may not be accurate for everyone)

What causes the fear of intimacy

  • Being sexually abused as a child
  • An abusive Childhood
  • Alcoholism
  • Self-esteem problems
  • Body image issues
  • Performance Anxiety
  • Previous Abusive Relationship
  • Betrayal

How to know if someone fears intimacy

  • They avoid any physical contact
  • They become very distant
  • They struggle expressing their feelings
  • They blush a lot when talking about anything intimate
  • They may be a bit shaky. Eg Hands shaking, bouncing their legs, etc.

How to Heal from it

  • Therapy
  • Taking time to fully trust someone
  • Try to find closure with the source of the problem

Please remember that even though you may be struggling with the fear of intimacy, it doesn’t mean that you’re not normal and there’s nothing to be ashamed of. If you need help please do not be afraid to communicate it with your partner or get some therapy. One day you will be able to trust and be able to be intimate with someone.
Don’t give up. Have faith.

Stay Strong. Stay Beautiful. Keep Fighting.
~Ivybelle~ Xx

Ivybelle: Safer Sex

Today in 2016 it’s so easy to get sex, whither it’s a friend or a girlfriend/boyfriend, a stranger, etc. However, how safe are we being when it comes to having sex? How many people out there use protection? How many people have gotten diseases or pregnant?

At 13-14 years old girls/boys are already having sex either from pressure or they are just sexually active at such a young age. A lot of these Teens look up to these celebrities/role models and want to be everything they are; dress up like them, talk like them etc. Whither it’s on TV, Magazines, radio, Sex is selling and people want it.
I know a lot of people as they got older they didn’t like using protection but they ended up pregnant (not that they regret it or anything) but wasn’t expected. I heard some people have got diseases from not having protection or not getting checked by a doctor.

It’s very important to remember;

  • Make sure its consensual
  • Make sure to use protection
  • (If you feel irritated, uncomfortable or sore it’s important to say something)

When you don’t use protection you can get HIV, Aids, STD’s, chlamydia, genital herpes, genital warts, hepatitis B, and syphilis. It’s very important to do checks up at either a walk in clinic or family doctor to make sure that you are okay. If you can’t use specific condoms, talk to your doctor about other options for you and your partner. If you do catch something please don’t be ashamed of talking to someone about it, it’s important to get help…

When I was young I didn’t really think about sex or boys. After I turned 12 boys started catching my attention but I was never the one to send pictures or run after boys. I was very shy and awkward. I didn’t sleep with anyone until after I was legal of age and I was very proud of myself for doing so. When I was in a serious relationship, me and my partner made sure that we were protected to make sure I wouldn’t get pregnant and we wouldn’t catch anything. Even though we were together for over 4 years, we didn’t want to risk it yet. And still today I think it’s very important for me and whoever I have that relationship with, to make sure to be protected.

I find it interesting how quickly kids want to grow up nowadays. They dress up like they are 18 and have that intimacy at young age already or sending naked  pictures like it’s not a big deal. What happened to just playing in the park and going to the movie theater and etc.? I mean, I can’t blame the kids at all, and I’m not judging but even myself I’m trying to understand. Kids don’t want to use protection but then one of them leaves because they have a kid or they got something. No matter what, it’s important to stick together. A person’s life can change in a split second by not protecting themselves. They can lose their job, their home, their partner, anything really. Please think twice and protect yourselves.

Stay Strong. Stay Beautiful. Stay You.

Howie Defranco on Sexual Health

Hey blog readers, it’s me Howie Defranco and today we are going to talk about sexual health. Sexual health is a topic that encompasses multiple other topics, including sexuality, rights, the obvious medical side and relationships. Today we’re going to touch on all those points because they’re all important aspects of maintaining sexual health. I will include some personal stuff along the way, about my own limited sexual experiences as well. Anyways though let’s get started, so ya see there are these birds and these bees and… Oh wait that’s not the right conversation.
First let’s start with sexuality, a fun part of this topic because it’s about who you are sexually and being comfortable with it. Sexuality, is our gender, our sexual orientation, our desires, our preferences, everything that makes sex fun is sexuality. Now being comfortable with what you like is part of being sexual healthy, I mean let’s just say you like something and you’re ashamed of it. That statement just doesn’t work because it hurts your mental state to think that way and that’s not good. Find a way to be comfortable with what you like and your sexual health and mental state will improve greatly. For example, I’m very comfortable with my sexuality, I know what I like and what I don’t and I let my partners know that and because of that I always enjoy it, and they generally do the same with me.
If you’ve read my other blogs you know I’ve never had a relationship, but I’ve had sex a few times now. It has always been consensual though which is important when you start talking about sexual health. The rights of people matter just as much in the bedroom as they do out of it, I mean sex without consent is nothing it has no meaning and it is something that just hurts people. There are lots of different kinds of sex but none are worth it without respecting the other persons rights.
Between the ages of 16 and 19 I was obsessed with the idea of losing my virginity, and it like consumed me. The reason I’m talking about this is because my sexual health back then was horrible, I wasn’t comfortable with my sexuality. I wasn’t comfortable because I was confused about what I even liked back then, I questioned everything did I like this, would I like this, I feel ashamed for liking this. It went on and on but at 19 it came to a point where it was enough, I did something to lose my virginity, and it was only a good experience because the other person consented to it. I’m just making the point that without those things not only is sex not fun, it’s not healthy for you, it hurts you.
Which brings us to the medical side, look if you’re having sex then be safe, wear a condom, use birth control. Be aware of possible diseases and how to prevent the, because in this day and age there’s every way to avoid catching something but it only takes one wrong move for that to go bad.
Finally it brings us to sexual relationships, sex is intimacy it really is and it brings two people closer by having it. I know a couple of the girls I been with after I felt like I could feel their heart beat with mine and it made a connection I don’t have with anyone. Just make sure that the relationship is both mutually beneficial and is in no way, something controlling you or hurting you. It’s supposed to be fun and feel good for everyone involved just remember that.
To end this all off I’m gonna say that sex is healing, it does relieve stress and clear your mind. Just make sure you do it right and that you are safe about it.

Marie Talks: Safe Sex

I don’t want to come off sounding like a PSA with this topic but it is one that we can hear a thousand times but still not completely use in our lives. We have heard it a thousand times.. ‘Wrap it before you tap it’ ‘Wear a condom’ etc. But how many people can say that advice is always taken to heart. Who can say that they don’t know anyone who doesn’t use a condom on a regular basis with a partner who is not a long term partner? Whether it’s you, your friend, or sexual partner (current, ex, or just a fling), do every one of you make sure you are not at risk of contracting an STI or creating a child when you get intimate? Most likely we all know one person who has carelessly forgone using a condom because sex isn’t the same with one on or they don’t have one ready, even just once.

Chances we’ve all heard it before but I’ll cover this because you can never hear it enough. Wear a condom, not just to avoid an unwanted pregnancy but to avoid STIs. No one wants to find out that they caught anything from a fun night, whether it’s anything from Chlamydia to HIV.

Get tested regularly, make sure you haven’t contracted anything.

Be honest with your partner if you do have anything, whether it be Chlamydia, herpes, herpes, HIV or anything.

YOU CAN WALK AWAY AT ANY POINT IF YOU ARE UNCOMFORTABLEWITH ANYTHING. JUST BECAUSE YOU GAVE YOUR CONSENT AT ONE POINT DOES NOT MEAN YOU CANNOT CHANGE YOUR MIND AND NOT CONSENT. It doesn’t matter why you changed your mind… whether it’s because you aren’t in the mood any more, they won’t wear a condom even though you want them to, they have a weird bump on their privates/mouth or they do something you don’t approve of, it does not matter you are not obligated to have any contact with each other’s genitals or any other intimate act.

Questions You Should Ask a New Sexual Partner?

  • Do you have a condom?
  • Do you have an STI? Is there anything I should know about?
  • When was the last time you were tested for STIs? Are you clean?
  • Are you on a form of contraceptive? If so what? (You should still use a condom)

You should also divulge all this information to your partner as well, it’s not a one way street, you both should be fully aware of what you are getting yourselves into.

There is nothing to be ashamed or afraid of about asking these questions to the person you are wanting to be intimate with. You are not bound by contract to have sex with them, you can change your mind at any point and there is nothing fun about having a fun night only to find out it led to a not so fun consequence. You can make a decision regardless of what comes out of their mouth, and you should not feel guilty if you find yourself doubting anything they say, it is your personal health that you are protecting.
Story Time:

When I was eighteen I started dating this guy, lets call him Dion. I had gone to get a STI screening and Pap smear recently and just gotten the results back, I was clean. I had the ritual of going every three months regardless of whether I was sleeping with a single partner, wasn’t sleeping with anyone or had had more than one partner. I also was getting tested after I slept with a new partner. Anyways me and Dion had the conversation about our sexual health and been through all these questions and I had trusted his answers. We used condoms the first few times and he agreed to get tested as it had been a while since he had been, he said he came back clean. We had been dating for a while and we stopped using condoms, as I was on depo provera (The shot), and I had felt comfortable trusting him.

A month or two later my birth control was running out which meant I needed to go back to the doctors for the shot and my routine screenings.  As always I thought nothing of this visit it was routine, take a pregnancy test, do all the STI testing, Pap test, get the shot, and come back in three months. However I got a call a week or two later, it was the clinic asking me to come back in asap, that they needed to talk to me. When I went back in they told me I had Chlamydia then gave me the pills I needed and did all that fun jazz, I immediately thought there was a mix up, both Dion and I were clean, and he wouldn’t lie to me. Afterwards I called Dion and asked him if we could talk about something, he was reluctant but finally agreed and met up with me to talk. When I told him what happened he started screaming at me that I was cheating on him, it was impossible for him to have something and all that. Through all of his fuss I had determined he had three things set in stone 1) he did not have chlamydia, 2) he would not get tested (nor would he take the pills to be safe), and 3) we weren’t breaking up over this. Well I was not happy with his response nor did I want to put myself in this position where I would be constantly putting myself in risk of getting chlamydia again, so I broke up with him and got retested two weeks later coming back clean.

I learnt a few things from this experience and the most important one being people can and some will lie about important aspects just so they can sleep with you. That I should trust my gut instinct when someone tells me something, and safe is always better than sorry, even if it means putting a barrier in between me and my partner in a moment of intimacy.

Stay True. Stay You. Stay Healthy Lovies,
Marie Olsson xx

Howie on Eating Disorders

Hey blog readers, it’s Howie Defranco and today we will be discussing eating disorders. Let’s start by saying they all include serious disturbance of eating behaviours and weight regulation. There are 3 main types of eating disorders and those are anorexia, bulimia and binge eating disorder all of which are a hindrance on a persons health. Speaking psychological and physically these disorders are huge impacts to a person’s self esteem, confidence and health. In the same breath the eating disorders can be psychologically caused by those exact same things.

Anorexia is among the top psychiatric disorders relating to its mortality rate as it is a disease that makes you so obsessed with your weight you starve yourself. You start out small you don’t eat certain foods or you portion your meals and then it becomes an obsession. You constantly weigh yourself, carefully portion food and cut out certain foods that are helpful in a normal eating cycle.

Symptoms of anorexia include:
Extremely low body weight
Severe food restriction
Relentless pursuit of thinness and unwillingness to maintain a normal or healthy weight
Intense fear of gaining weight
Distorted body image and self-esteem that is heavily influenced by perceptions of body weight and shape, or a denial of the seriousness of low body weight
Lack of menstruation among girls and women.
Thinning of the bones (osteopenia or osteoporosis)
Brittle hair and nails
Dry and yellowish skin
Growth of fine hair all over the body (lanugo)
Mild anemia, muscle wasting, and weakness
Severe constipation
Low blood pressure, or slowed breathing and pulse
Damage to the structure and function of the heart
Brain damage
Multi-organ failure
Drop in internal body temperature, causing a person to feel cold all the time
Lethargy, sluggishness, or feeling tired all the time

Then there’s Bulimia which is a huge obsession over weight where you binge eat uncontrollably and then compensate for it. This compensation can be regurgitating your food, excessively fasting, exercising, taking some laxatives or a combination. Most people who are bulimic are unhappy with their body, but manage to maintain their weight by doing this. It’s incredibly unhealthy as the body is not built to process and expel food at that rate.

Symptoms of bulimia include:
Chronically inflamed and sore throat
Swollen salivary glands in the neck and jaw area
Worn tooth enamel, and increasingly sensitive and decaying teeth as a result of exposure to stomach acid
Acid reflux disorder and other gastrointestinal problems
Intestinal distress and irritation from laxative abuse
Severe dehydration from purging of fluids
Electrolyte imbalance—too low or too high levels of sodium, calcium, potassium, and other minerals that can lead to a heart attack or stroke.

Finally there is binge eating disorder which unlike the previous two does lead to obesity as it does not involve controlling your weight. It does still include the extreme unhappiness with your body, but includes feelings of guilt and shame for eating. It is the uncontrollable urge to eat and eat vast quantities to feel better, which is followed by the above feelings. Usually this disorder not only leads to obesity but also can lead to cardiovascular disease and of course higher blood pressure.

There’s not much I can say personally about this topic, except that you know what how you look like doesn’t define who you are and people no matter their size can be beautiful.

N.p., n.d. Web. <https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/eating-disorders-new-trifold/index.shtml&gt;.