“We accept the love we think we deserve” – Stephen Chbosky

Ivybelle: We accept the love we think we deserve is one of my favourite quotes of all time! To me it’s a quote that reminds me that I deserve the best and not what I think I deserve. I haven’t really been with a lot of people however, all of them ended badly. I should be able to be with someone who makes me happy, who can open a door for me, be nice and respectful.

Madison: what I think this quote means to me is, when it comes down to falling in love if we think we deserve negativity we will look for a negative relationship. An example of this is when say you found someone you really care about and everything is going well, you will start doubting yourself and your relationship, and pulling way because you don’t believe you deserve to be happy. This can be very upsetting because this can lead to you putting yourself in a dangerous situation. On the brighter side there is always a positive side and if you believe you deserve the best, you will get the best. The meaning of this quote I feel is a lot about self-worth, and having confidence in yourself. I was always told if I did not believe I worth anything then how could anyone one else. If you think about how much you are really worth, how high would that be? Would you keep yourself on a pedestal or would you be down in the showdowns? I believe it is all about how you present yourself, I’m not the most attractive women in the world, but I still believe I’m beautiful which my fiancé find the most beautiful. So no matter what you believe you deserve, everyone deserves to be treated with respect and you are so much more then you are worth.

Marie: I’ve read plenty of things on why we have this idea of what type of love we deserve, and I’ve read many reasons. For instance no one sees a person in the same way as others do, and no one can see themselves for what others see them as. We know every dark secret, every mistake we’ve made, and know all of our own baggage; which affects how we see ourselves and sometimes for the worse. We also know how we’ve been treated whether in past relationships, by family, friends or others in general and all of that impacts how we see ourselves and how we think we deserve. Sometimes it goes beyond that and to the relationships we see our loved ones go through. However one thing that is definitely true is that we deserve better than we think when it comes to love.

Howie: The quote happens to be very true about some people,especially the ones who have been ‘scorned’ and hurt in th past.  For we put up walls and barriers made of the hurtful things and words used against us. The words there to make us feel like we don’t deserve the love we are given by anyone. Even people that truly love because we have been conditioned to think we do not deserve it, that it is too good for us. We do not even believe it sometimes we are shown genuine affection. Too afraid risk the belief, the faith, and the trust that we can be loved for who we are. The sad thing is that often we are proven right in that aspect for there are so many people that will hurt a person in their lives.

Even the people you do not let in, will hurt you sometimes or trigger those walls. We have to find a way to love ourselves and accept that we will get hurt. If we don’t those walls could trap us, making us bitter and cold. Afraid that we don’t deserve love and we’ll just be hurt again.

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Fear of relationships Pt.2

It’s been 3 years since then, I thought that by now I would have healed and I would be able to get in a relationship no problem. Unfortunately that isn’t the case. Today, I am 25, single, living on my own and still no relationship.

When I came back to Vancouver, my ex was the last one to know. My best friend and I would take pictures together, hang out and post it on social media but without the location. For a few weeks he didn’t catch on I was back. He asked me a couple times if they were old picture or if I was back and I would just ignore his messages. Eventually, I figured me and my ex needed to talk so I told him I’ve been back for weeks and he got really mad at me. I didn’t feel bad about it and I felt like I didn’t owe him anything. I didn’t have to tell him anything but I did it because I wanted to move on with my life by talking to him face to face.

When my best friend and I went to go talk to him, it made me realize that I really did make the right decision by leaving him. He was still acting like a little boy and being selfish. He didn’t see the mistakes he made and the hurtful things he has said. He believed that I was at fault. I knew at that moment I didn’t need him in my life.

A year past when I saw him next. We are working on being friends and I get to see my Nephew more often. Him giving me my space was the best thing he could do. I had to think about where I was going in my life and who was I going to be as a person- was I going to hold grudges for the rest of my life or was I going to live my life in happiness? I admit, I feel better now that I’m not holding a grudges. It doesn’t mean though that I have forgotten or forgiven what happened, it just means that I’m not going to hate him for the rest of my life.

Hating on my Ex-Fiancé and holding on to my other Ex was killing me inside. I was holding on to things that are never going to come back or be like it used to be. I had to learn to let go of someone I loved and someone I resented. I had to learn that everything happens for a reason and not everything will go my way. What happened in my past has made me stronger and wiser.

Honestly, I’m not sure how I will react if I ever see ex again. I know there’s still a part of me that breaks when I hear his name, when I hear about his family. I still wonder if he thinks of me, wonders what I’m doing with my life or even if I’m happy.

I still wonder “what if”. I still carry a picture of him with me. Sometimes I think I torture myself by doing so. I do wish him happiness. I wish him the best of luck and I hope his wife gives him everything he needs and wants. I hope he lives in a beautiful house and has a job he loves. However at the end of day, I miss him.

Another reason why I fear relationships… Many men and women have sexually abused me. All these people would blame me and makes me feel so tiny, like I was nothing! They would say that I’m fat, ugly and that I pretty much deserved it. How does someone trust anyone if everyone they trusted betrayed them? I cannot say that I trust people because I don’t entirely. However, one day i hope that i will be able to do so.

Ivy belle: Fear of relationships Pt.1

Fear of relationships

 

“It’s okay to be scared. Being scared means you’re about to do something really, really brave.” – Mandy Hale

Have you ever stopped yourself from being in a relationship because you’re too scared to get hurt or be in one? I have.

The last time I was in a relationship was when I was 19 and left him when I was 22. I was engaged to this guy and we lived together even though he put me through a lot. From cheating, to lying & even using me, I stayed with him because I thought that I was just being a bad girlfriend and I was overreacting. When you’re in a relationship with someone who blames you for everything and tells you it’s your fault- you start to believe it. That relationship was my first serious relationship and I think that’s why I kept forgiving him because I also thought that this is the only relationship I will ever have and that no one else will love me but him.

I remember being vulnerable, angry, anxiety, hurt and I felt betrayed 90% of our relationship. He would be with another woman but lie to me, and even if he wasn’t I got so paranoid that I couldn’t sleep at night until he would show up. When I would ask him where he’s been, he would get very defensive. I didn’t know at the time that lies could really destroy a person. I took him back at least 8 times but every time I told myself “ this time is it! Me and him are over for good.” However, I would always take him back even when I knew it was bad news. I stayed with him until I literally hated him. I couldn’t stand having him around anymore. I didn’t want to be intimate, I wanted him to go sleep over at his friends, I would get upset for no reason and I was angry all the time.

Instead of leaving him and saving myself the pain I stayed with him to the point that I hated him more than my dad. Later on, when we broke off the engagement and everything I told myself I wouldn’t get into another relationship but then my ex’s sister introduced me to someone else. He was a nice guy and with time I fell hard for him. He would always try to surprise me but little did I know, my ex knew him too and he didn’t like him- apparently he’s a “goof” whatever that means. My ex did everything in his power to make sure that we broke up. One say my ex called me and told me I had to chose to break up with my boyfriend or having no where to live. I remember being hurt, torn and I told him that I wasn’t going to break up with my boyfriend for him.

One night my ex called me really angry and told me we needed to talk face to face. When I showed up we got into a heated argument about my boyfriend and he kept asking me if I broke up with my boyfriend, I told him no. At this point it was 2 am and I was ready to walk out the door until he wouldn’t let me leave because it was late. Eventually I gave in and he told me we would watch a movie together until we fell asleep. At that moment I knew all this was wrong and I just wanted to sit in a corner and cry. When we were watching a moving my ex put his hands on me and I kept telling him no to take his hands off me. I thought he would of understood but next thing I know I was pinned to his bed and he forced me to have sex with him. I felt disgusted even though I kept telling him that this is a bad idea that we shouldn’t do this. It was too late. The next morning he left for work and I hurried to get all my stuff together to leave but his roommate told me that I shouldn’t of slept with him that I would hurt my ex’s feelings. I tried to explain to him that I tried to tell him no but he kept blaming me. When I got back to my ex sister’s place (where I lived) and I tried to avoided talking about the night before.

When I got home I was trying to get a hold of my boyfriend but I wasn’t able to get a hold of him. My ex’s sister confronted me about what happened last night because apparently my ex called her. I tried to explain the situation but she sided with him by saying that he didn’t point a gun to my head and I could of left at any point, I was hurt. I texted my ex telling him that that night wasn’t supposed to happened that he pressured me into sleeping with him but he said that I could of walked away. In that moment I was so confused if it was rape or if it was actual sex. My ex threatened to tell my boyfriend that I cheated on him and that I liked it and etc.. After 3 days I finally got a message from my boyfriend asking me what the hell happened and explained that he got a message from my ex and he was really mad. I explained that I didn’t want to sleep with him but he pressured me but my boyfriend only saw it as cheating not rape. At the moment, he broke up with me and I was devastated.

I didn’t really have anyone to talk to because I wasn’t on good terms with any of my friends and I didn’t want to have this talk with my mom. I had so many plans with my boyfriend: we were suppose to move in together, build a family and get married but that night of the break up he got back with his ex girlfriend and got engaged. Now he’s happily married and has 4 kids. Still today I miss him. I wish we could talk things through and be friends but I know that’s not possible. I keep telling myself that I might actually have had a good life right now and be happy.

After all the heartache I moved back to Quebec with my family to get my life back together. I told myself that I would be doing a job that I love, that I could heal my heart again, and take care of my family- but that wasn’t the case for most part. My ex-fiancé was always trying to get a hold of me-texting, snap chatting, Facebook, etc. I kept telling him to leave me alone but he wouldn’t. It took me a long time for me to be able to supress my anger and bitterness. I stayed single even though my friends and family tried to hook me up with people. I’ve had people ask me for one night stands but I’ve turned them all down because I don’t personally think that sleeping with someone while I’m healing will help me at all or just sleeping with someone for the pleasure of it.

To be continued….

Stay Strong. Stay Beautiful. Keep fighting -Ivybelle- Xx

 

 

Madison Taylor’s Life Goals

My Life Goals
1) Make my family proud
2)Get married
3)Buy a house/land
4)Have more kids
5)Go back to school and get my masters in social work
6)Travel
7)Grow old with the one I love
8)Have grand-kids
9)Be happy

1)Make my family proud
No matter what I do in life I know that I will always struggle to achieve this goal because you’ll never know until the end whether or not you have succeeded.

2)Get married
Hey? who doesn’t want to get married some day or at least common law. just the chance to spend the rest of my life with someone I love. To me a wedding/marriage is more then just a ceremony, it’s a promise you make to your partner on the wedding day and the marriage is proof of your commitment and loyalty to your partner.

​3)Buy a house/land
I know that one day I would love to sit in our front yard and watch my children grow up, rather then a stuffy apartment.​

4)Have more kids
well I don’t want my son to be an only child forever I would like to give him at least 1 playmate.

5)Go back to school and get my masters in social work.
I’d love the chance to further my education and further my career.

6)Travel
Traveling would be amazing, seeing all the different types of cultures and life styles around the world.

7)Grow old with the one I love
I want to get the chance to grow old and
​the last two should be well easy to figure out.:)​​

Marie Talks: Abortion

Whether you are pro-life, pro-choice, or have any opinion on abortion that’s great. You are entitled to your own opinion on abortion. What you are not entitled to is to have a say in someone else’s body.

I do believe in most cases the father of the fetus should have a voice in the decision making. I believe that if the act leading up to the pregnancy was consensual that the fathers feelings should first be taken into account. If the woman does not want the child and wants an abortion because she does not want to be a mother, that’s alright; however what if the father wants the kid and is willing and capable of raise the child completely independently, that should be taken into consideration. However on the flip side if the father is pushing the abortion and the mother is perfectly capable and willing to raise the child on her own, an abortion should not be pushed on her. In no case should a woman feel that she’s being forced through a decision concerning her body.
Yes, I believe that everyone has a right to their choices concerning their body, but I do also believe the decision should be a well educated decision and well thought out as the repercussions of an abortion can be long term. Abortion is an option, no better or worse than keeping the child or putting the child up for adoption, it’s all up to what is best for the mother first and everyone else second.

If the acts leading to the pregnancy was not a consensual act it can be hard to carry the child for nine months. It can be mentally damaging, it can take a major toll on ones wellbeing and emotional state. A lot of people see abortion as the best option, others see putting the child up for adoption as the best option. Whether you choose to abort, keep or put the baby up for adoption no one’s decision was better than the other. It’s all up to what the woman sees fit. I have a huge respect for woman who carry the child to term and put them up for adoption, along with the woman who raise the child, it’s not an easy thing to do.

Whatever the reason may be, whether it’s you are not ready, a medical concern, or anything the choice ultimately is yours and yours alone. It’s not an easy decision to make, no matter what decision you make. No matter the decision, you should never be guilt Ed or put down for it. It is your body not someone else’s.

Personally I am pro-choice. I believe that you have the right to choose what you do to your own body and I will respect and stand by your decision. For myself I am pro-life, as I don’t think I could live with the knowledge that I chose whether or not a living being would have life.

Be Safe. Be Educated. Be Happy.
Marie Olsson xx

Marie on the difference between infidelity and rape

Warning: talks about rape

Infidelity or cheating in my eyes is something that should never be done. To me the act of cheating is unforgivable. However that does not mean I am a saint, I have been unfaithful in the past. I was raised to see cheating as any action that should be reserved for your partner happening with someone else. (eg. Dates, kissing, sex etc.) It was very black and white, if it happened it is cheating, no ‘if’s, ‘and’s or ‘but’s.

I was dating a man a few years back and my best friend invited me to a party. My boyfriend, lets call him Craig, had no reason to have a problem with me attending. I’d gone to plenty of parties with my best friend without him in the past with no issues arising. So with no reason to not trust me going he told me to have fun and he’ll pick me up afterwards. The party was being held on a party bus and we had a blast; we were drinking, dancing, and conversing the night away. By the time the party was over everyone was fairly intoxicated, and we were all splitting ways: some to continue drinking and others to go home. My best friend and I said goodbye as we had to go opposite directions for our rides.

I’ll admit I had a bit too much to drink and was not fully aware of my surroundings.  As I was walking towards my destination one of the guys who we were partying with appeared next to me.  He seemed nice enough and we were both heading the same way, me for my ride and him for the bus.  We easily fell into conversation, and were seemingly walking innocently down the street. I knew the area pretty well and it was a pretty safe place so I felt fairly comfortable.  However I did not take into account that the person I was walking with could potentially be a threat. Although he seemed nice enough, that night my attempts to fight off and plead with him to stop were futile and he is now my rapist.

When I finally met up with Craig I felt dirty, violated, and ashamed.  I wanted to go home, sleep, and tell him what had happened. However seeing as he had a bunch of friends in the car with him who wanted food, that did not happen as the only way to make him change his mind was to blurt out in front of everyone what had just happened. Which put off me telling him for the night seeing as I was dead tired by the time he dropped the last friend off at home.

In my state of intoxication I knew it was rape, and not my fault. I had no issues telling him about what happened, Craig was my boyfriend and I trusted him.  However when I woke up in a clearer, more sober state of mind I started second guessing myself.  I still knew I was raped, however I started blaming myself. I chastised myself over getting drunk and the ‘what if’s started arising. What if I had gotten Craig to pick me up closer? What if I had been more aware of my surroundings? What if I kept my guard up? Countless scenarios went through my head including if I had fought harder, I tortured myself with these thoughts for months. Along with these thoughts came the fear that Craig would see it the same way. Would he blame me? Would he consider it cheating? That scared me and pushed me into not telling him.

Months went by and I was withdrawn, depressed and ashamed. Eventually I tried to tell Craig and it came out as a garbled mess.  By that point some part of me had twisted it into I had cheated and I was to blame. Thankfully he did not see it that way, he saw it just as rape and not an act of infidelity.  It had taken me quite a while for me to revert to that way of thinking as well.

Infidelity is the action or state of being unfaithful to a spouse or other sexual partner. I had classified my rape as infidelity because someone other than my boyfriend had been ‘intimate’ with me regardless of consent. Someone else had touched me places reserved for my boyfriend.  I had in my mind skipped over the part where I had not willingly allowed those events to happen, I only focused on the fact that it happened.  I should not have thought that way, but I had.

Rape is not an act of infidelity.  No one chooses to be raped. Infidelity is a choice someone makes. The only part of rape that is a choice is the rapist’s choice to violate someone when they have not consented. No one should blame themselves of cheating if it was rape.  The person did not choose for those events to take place, they did not consent, making it rape.  If someone you are with is raped and you blame them for cheating you are wrong.  No one should feel or be blamed of cheating if they were raped. It took me a long time to separate the two, but I don’t know if I would have without the help of my boyfriend.  If he had blamed me I don’t know if I would be able to separate the two and be able to say I was raped without classifying it as infidelity.

Unfaithful: engaging in sexual relations with a person other than one’s regular partner in contravention of a previous promise or understanding.
Rape: unlawful sexual intercourse or any other sexual penetration of the vagina, anus, or mouth of another person, with or without force, by a sex organ, other body part, or foreign object, without the consent of the victim.
They are not the same.

Stay Loud. Stay Proud. Stay Faithful.
Marie Olsson xx