Brian View on Suicide

Suicide is a scary thought that no one should ever consider doing. Some of us I know if not most of us in the world go through a lot in our life and often times all we want to do is go somewhere far and just give up and end our life. Let me tell you something, I have been there many times in the past couple years and I cant even count the times I have attempted to end my life, at times I’m like why didn’t I kill myself when I had the perfect chase, why cant I just give up and go somewhere no one knows me or find me and kill myself, like why am I living, let me tell you something I wouldn’t be here right now if it wasn’t for the support of a couple friends holding me down and breaking me emotionally telling me how much life is going to get better soon. I should have been dead years ago when I held a gun to my head and couldn’t pull the trigger no matter how hard I tried to I just couldn’t do it, the one person that came to my mind when I closed my eyes was my baby niece, whenever I feel low I think of her and she just makes me feel better. Even though I can’t see her she is always close to me when I close my eyes.
I know how hard it is, where there’s days you just want to die and not live because you feel alone boys and girls whoever is reading this I want you to know, you are never ever going be alone in the world there is always going to be someone else in the world that is going through the same situation as you and that is ready to give up but I want you to know hang in there. No matter how hard life feels like its the end of the world its not, life is tough, life is rough, and often times we don’t know what to do, but there is so much you can do about it, when you feel like you want to end it all think of a love one and how hurt they would be if they found out you died? Think about the people that care and love you even when you deny that no one loves you, honestly you are loved and cared for its our intentions and negative thoughts that make us believe and think different. I know we all heard it before in life don’t be so negative and don’t be so upset, honestly its not a bad thing to be upset often times its good to be upset so you can release emotions and crying is good.
When you feel upset when you feel like the world is giving you hard times and feel like ending your life, think of someone you love dearly and talk to someone, talk to someone you can trust and tell them how your feeling, tell them that you want to give up be honest with them, I know I wouldn’t want anyone to go to that extreme, I know the struggle of suicide but remember there is someone else wanting to give up but don’t. The pain your battling, and your scars will change someone else’s life, I have my scars and I have my wounds but I’m still here surviving but what didn’t kill me in the past only made me stronger, I am a stronger and better person each day that goes by, each day I learn new things from people and talk to them about what I went through because I realized what I hid from everyone else only made things worse. Talk to someone about how you feel and don’t worry everyday is going to get better and better you are not alone.
this is Brian O’Connor stay beautiful
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Marie Olsson on Grieving a Loved One (In honour of her Granddad)

Personally I am struggling even trying to write this blog for you; as I am still struggling with accepting the loss of my loved ones. However I am going to do my best to give you guys something, even if it is short. For that I apologise. Without further ado here is my blog on grieving a loved on.

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  “There are as many sorrows as there are people who feel them and there are no rules…

It is solitary… Grief is such a lonely thing. There is no-one in it with you – others may grieve for the same soul, but they do not grieve exactly for what you also grieve. No-one has lost precisely what you have lost. Not exactly, never exactly. We are in it alone…

 Oh it is wild and it is lonely. It is as if you’ve woken to a world that you recognise but it has been tilted, somehow – coated, or rubbed down, or made colder or less bright. It echoes where it should not echo; where it should echo, it is as echoless as a single, muffled thud. And grief is not merely sadness, as if sadness alone was not enough to bear. I had imagined the sorrow to be as deep as a well, a howling grief, but I had not imagined the other feelings that have no right to be there, which seem wholly misplaced in a state of grieving – rage, impatience, self-pity, disgust. They come from the dark and rush in upon you…”

― Susan Fletcher, The Silver Dark Sea

No one does things the same way another person does, no one feels the same way either. For some people moving forward is easier and for others it feels a lot harder. Everyone takes different amounts of time to move through the steps of grieving and encounters them in a different order; but everyone who has ever lost someone has been through them, and could still be going through it.  However I feel as though you’ll have seen all about the stages of grieving in at least one other blog so I will not be covering that.

As I am currently writing this it is five days before the fourth anniversary of my grandfather’s passing, and as the date (Saturday, Sept. 26) grows closer I am realising that I really am not done grieving. I’ve yet to accept he is really gone, that I will never hear his voice on the other end of the line, or be able to give him a hug.  For months after he passed I would still call my grandparents’ house hoping to hear his voice, asking me how I’ve been, yet I was met with a short clipped message of him apologising for not reaching the phone. I tried again and again, not ready to come to terms that he wouldn’t one day pick the phone up and we’d talk and laugh together. Eventually the number was disconnected and that’s when I started to really feel the loss. When reality hit me I didn’t break out sobbing or lock myself in my room for days, although I would have much preferred that, instead I felt numb… absolutely numb.  I continued on with life as I had been prior, I was just void of any and all emotions.

For months after the loss of my granddad I tried to fill the void in my heart and find some emotions by drinking every weekend. I found comfort in the alcohol induced emotions, figuring that even a ‘fake’ emotion was better than the nothingness I was feeling.  However that did not get me anywhere, when I would sober up I was back to feeling nothing, it did not help me move forward.

“You can’t truly heal from a loss until you allow yourself to really FEEL the loss.”

Mandy Hale, The Single Woman: Life, Love, and a Dash of Sass

I didn’t realise by feeling numb it wasn’t really helping me and the worst hadn’t even started yet. I had thought feeling numb had been a good step towards healing. However when the numbness faded I was not prepared for the tidal wave of emotions which rushed over me. I was a mess, I was crying, I wanted to curl up in a ball and rock back and forth, but I expected that. What I wasn’t expecting the short temper, exhaustion or codependency that came along with it.

“The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not ‘get over’ the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same nor would you want to.”

― Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

I have come a long way in my process of grieving for my granddad, but I still have a long road ahead of me. I don’t think the hurt will ever go away but I’m closer to fully accepting that he’s not with me anymore. I’ll love him forever and always, and he’ll always be alive and well in my heart, and that’s good enough for me.

“But in all of the sadness, when you’re feeling that your heart is empty, and lacking,

You’ve got to remember that grief isn’t the absence of love.

Grief is the proof that love is still there.”

― Tessa Shaffer, Heaven Has No Regrets

 In Loving Memory of my Grandad,

Marie Olsson xoxo

Grieving A Loved One -Howie Defranco

Hey blog readers, it’s me Howie Defranco and today we’re gonna be discussing grieving the loss of a loved one.  Well not so much a discussion as its one sided with me on the keyboard and you doing the reading.  I guess the best thing to start out saying is that everyone deals with with the loss in different ways, not in the sense that they don’t encounter each stage of grief.  Instead it’s more like you don’t go stage one, two, three, four and five, you go stage one, two, one, three, two, four, one… Etc as it has no limit to how long grief can go on for.

Now I have not experienced the loss of a loved one personally since I was a child at least not anyone I was close to.  Therefore I’m unable to really speak from a personal standpoint about what it’s like to lose someone you love to death.  In spite of that though I’ve lost people in my life and seen others lose people in their lives go through different stages and cycles of grief over the loss of someone they love.  It’s painful and although the stages usually can bounce around and people need time to get past it, people can get lost in.
In the same way, the fallen loved one is lost the one still alive can become a shell of the person they were or who they want to be.  It starts because people have trouble letting go of the past, when they put on obstacle in the way of letting go.  Overworking, drug and alcohol abuse, compulsive behaviour, avoiding emotion and minimizing feelings are ways people avoid and obstruct themselves from moving on from the pain and learning to accept their life moves on.  It’s as simple as breathing to not even notice that you’re doing it, that you’re holding on to the pain of your loved ones memory.
Earlier I mentioned the stages of grief, they’re are five of them and everyone deals with them in their own time and way.  Denial and shock are supposed to be the first stage in which you don’t accept the fact that they’re gone, you just don’t believe it which is a good thing as it can diminish the impact of the loss on you.  Bargaining trying to figure out a way, a way you could have helped them something better you could have done, how you could of treated them better.  It helps to bargain as you come to better terms with what happened.  Depression is the worst of the stages although it’s only natural, if it persists too much can cause a lot of stress on your mental (feelings of isolation and loneliness) and physical health (with loss of sleep and appetite).  Anger is the stage that causes you to feel like your loved one abandoned you even though you know it wasn’t their fault and can cause you to just be angry at the world.
The fifth stage is acceptance the stage every one needs to reach but get trapped in the mentioned stages.  The best ways to help yourself or someone you know with dealing with these stages is to give them a way to express yourself or confide in someone you trust.  Allow yourself to just have sometime, to draw, to write, to create, something that opens your feelings and let’s out your emotions for you and others to see.  As well you could talk to a close friend, they’ll help you more than you think, find a support group that has people going through the same emotions or better talk to a therapist if you wish.  That’s what they’re there for, me personally I have a fear of speaking to professionals just cause I always have a fear of what there thinking.  How they’re reacting to what I’m saying, if they’re judging me, or fitting me for a straight jacket in their head.  So I don’t see them but it’s what they were trained to do and it’s an option for those of you who liked to talk.
Speaking of acceptance I mentioned earlier when I was kid was the last time I lost a loved one it was my great grandpa.  I was four years old, and he died peacefully in his own home in the kitchen, my great grandma found him in the morning.  My great grandpa is the reason I wasn’t given up for adoption when I was kid, I was an accident and my mom, and her parents wanted to give me up.  Mind you my mom wasn’t set on the idea but my great grandpa basically put his foot done, said I’m family and I belonged with them and that he and my great grandma would help my mom anyway they could.  I loved him, even though he was tough sometimes.  To be fair i hear they were times I was a little monster but the worst thing I ever did was I tried to climb up this old ladder.  It was outside my grandpa was doing something on the roof and I tried climbing the ladder, he comes over picks me up and spanks me.  I deserved it and when he died, my mom brought me to a therapist so I could process it properly.  He asked me to draw a picture and I drew my great grandpa climbing a ladder up to heaven.  That was my acceptance in my mind.
There’s not really much else to say I think but that if you feel the loss of someone you love is the end of your life.  Then talk to someone, I’m not saying your wrong because it’s your choice if you want your life to end or to wallow in self pity.  Just take some time talk to someone, express yourself, find something that gives your life meaning again.
Bibliography
“Stages of Grief: How to Cope With Grief and Loss.” WebMD. WebMD, n.d. Web. 04 Sept. 2015.